Halloween Husband

I feel sorry for anyone who isn't married to this man!

My Imaginary Friends

When I was a kid, I had a lot of imaginary friends. As far as I was concerned, they were the coolest, most supportive friends a girl could want. I would teach them how to dance and we would put on Annie together in my front living room and, when I was sad and scared and alone, they were always there.

I am 32 and tonight I miss those friends.

It's a sad moment when you wake up in your 30s and realize that, aside from knowing a million people, you could fall off the planet and none of them - except for your spouse and a few relatives - would even have a clue that you were gone. Not for weeks, not for months. That is a god awful feeling.

It's like a line I wrote in my most recent play Porchlight Confessions - "I've got 461 Facebook friends and absolutely no one to talk to". No victims, though. I got myself into this mess and it's time I got myself out...

Another Man's Shoes

Some days I wanna be anyone other than myself. I wonder what it would be like to be someone who could shave all their hair off and still feel sexy? Or what life would be like to be the parent of infant triplets? How about a born again Christian with total faith that I had it right and everyone else was going to hell? Sometimes I dream of being an electrician with an obsession for model trains. Or a perpetual student surrounded by the solace of echoing hallways. Perhaps I could be an alternative rock musician who showed up late to everything and never took notice of the dirty futon I called my bed or a Canadian delegate working overseas and involved in highly secretive government initiatives.

I see my blessings, I do. I make money doing stuff that thousands of people dream of doing - singing, dancing, acting. I am a home owner, I am fit and attractive, my marriage is a total joy, my family is supportive and honest, I've got money to spend and tons of free time to myself. But haven't you ever had those days where you wonder what it might be like to trade lives with someone else? Oh, the things one could learn from having the ability to jump into someone else's life for 48 hours! It might make you realize just how good you had it...or that people are generally miserable...or that you are not alone in the many thoughts that occupy your mind on a daily basis.

I'm probably just feeling melancholy from rehearsals. They are truly exhausting and feel infinitely long. I have only myself to blame. Knowing what you don't want doesn't get you anywhere. Until I figure out what my DEFINITELY WANT list is most everything I do is going to feel exhausting and infinitely long.

THAT'S the person whose skin I would like to jump into - just to see. A person who knows without doubt or question what it is they DEFINITELY WANT to do. I wouldn't even care if they were currently doing it, as long as they were clear what it was.

Until then, I will keep on trying to enjoy the good stuff in my own life. And if anyone out there would like to come and take over my life for a 48 hour trial, let me know, and we'll set something up.

World Full Of Weirdos

I have had such an interesting couple of days.

My first story starts with a message. The director of my show handed me a piece of paper on Wednesday of this past week with a message on it from a recording studio guy. It was messily scrawled and seemed to be saying that this gentleman was looking for singers to sing on demos. The director and I both assumed this was probably a call out to freelance singers to come in and do some background vocals for some established artist's CD. I agreed to call the guy on my first day off.

I called on Thursday night and left a message, secretly glad that he was going to have to phone me back since I didn't want to incur a lot of long distance charges. An hour later he calls me back and the first thing he says is "hey, look, I, uh, was thinkin' maybe you could just hang up and call me right back?" I was so shocked that, frowning, I agreed. "Cool," he mumbled, "uh, you can use the same number...you know, it's the number that dreams are made of" he finished. At this point I was so confused by what was unfolding that I was pretty sure that I had dreamed up his little turn of phrase. I mean, who ACTUALLY says "it's the number that dreams are made of"?? My articulate response was some sort of grunted 'Huh?" and which point he quickly mumbled something about taking a Buchaneer's cheerleader and putting her on the cover of Cosmo. After I pulled the phone away from my head to take a closer look and make sure I wasn't using a prank phone, I squeaked out a pathetic "Oh, wow?" Slightly happier with himself, he tacked on a final, earth shattering statement. "And let me tell you, THAT came with a nice, fat $60,000 cheque. OK...call me back." And with that the call ended.

Most of me was thinking "no f**king way am I calling you back you weirdo", but the other part of me was thinking back to Leon telling me that my problem was that I don't 'date' or dive into new career paths, always convincing myself before hand the reasons that they won't work. I was also damn curious about what the heck this guy ultimately wanted.

To save on the long distance charges that this guy obviously wanted ME to swallow, I decided to call him back using my Skype. My Skype is super free and super - well - echo-y. I called this guy back and immediately he asked if I was on speaker phone. I told him with a rather pissed off tone that I was using my Skype to call him since I didn't want to rack up long distance charges. "Well, the connection is awful," he said sulkily, "I can't talk to you like this." Very uncharacteristically, I said nothing. After an awkward pause he shot out "can't you find a land line to call me from?" "No," I said evenly, "I can't." All I kept thinking was WHO IS THIS GUY AND WHAT DOES HE WANT??!! Finally, he reluctantly launched into a pitch about how he is the only Saskatchewan record company working along side a major label and how is looking for the 'next big thing'. At this point, I was just annoyed and was wishing I hadn't called him back. He went on to tell me about all these big stars he has launched and about a hundred other tall tales, but when I finally had a chance to speak he would get so annoyed with the echo that he would bristle. "Listen," he finally said, "this could be your big break. I have a conference call, but I will try to call you back later. We have lots to talk about."

I hung up and switched on Grey's Anatomy.

He has now called me a total of four times, holding his phone up the speaker of a stereo to leave recordings of the big stars that have had the good fortune to dial the 'number that dreams are made of'. Sheesh. That's what you get for dating...a stalker.

My next story is of a blind man and his obese wife massaging me for free in the dark confines of their pet infested house. But perhaps I will leave that one untold for now because it seems that the power has gone off in Regina - a city wide blackout - and my internet connection is gone. I will say, however, before saving this as a draft, that I did go on one 'date' that was promising. Alas, I think my date wants a longer term commitment than I am able to give right now. I put it out there that perhaps we could still enjoy each other in the Right Now, but my date isn't interested in casual, Right Now-ness and has stated that it must be All or Nothing.

Ah, what can you do? Keep calling up your ex for a booty call until you find something new, I guess. A cowardly, albeit seductive, choice.

Oh, and did I mention that my car broke down again? Yes, It HAS been a full couple of days off...

A Life GPS

I have begun my rehearsals for Applause. It is like I have pushed a 'repeat' button on the stereo of my life and I have been sucked back to the winter of 2006. Like 2006, I am living (mostly) at Leanne's. The script is scarily similar and the cast virtually identical. Don't get me wrong, the winter of 2006 was a pretty great time in my life because it was the first time that entire year that the permafrost around my heart had started to melt. Regina represented a place to escape to - a place where I could hide from the 'real world' of Vancouver and Jordan and bedbugs and a very empty apartment. So, if I was going to have to push 'repeat' on a particular time of my life, that wouldn't be the worst time to pick.

Yet, I do feel like I am going through the motions. I LOVE being funny and getting paid to make people laugh and, for this part of my current job, I am grateful. But I can feel in every fiber of my being that this isn't what I am supposed to be doing. The voice in my head is gentle but firm when it says 'you wanna do this again? ok, if you must. but you know, krista, you are just avoiding. you are still avoiding.' That voice drives me crazy because then I scream back at it (silently so that I am not committed to a mental ward) "SUPPOSED TO DO WHAT?????" It has the infuriating way of never getting angry back...it just calmly and kindly says 'oh, you know. you do know.' Which I don't. Or at least which I am not able yet to discern through all my avoiding and resisting and searching and gnashing-of-teeth.

It makes it slightly hard to be doing this contract. I ask myself if I would be feeling any differently if I was to be doing a more prestigious contract with better pay, that was more challenging. That is when my Ego voice pipes up and says "TOTALLY DUDE!" But the kind, gentle, infuriating voice just shakes its head and with a touch of laughter says 'i am not so sure'. And I know that It is right. I'm not so sure either. It would feel good to be around super talented people that pushed me to be at the top of my game and to have the credit on my resume, but, ultimately, the same uneasy feeling would exist.

I guess that leaves me with just needing to allow my true path to emerge. And on good days, I think it is. Slowly - sometimes too slowly for my Ego - slowly it is molding itself into an identifiable path. I like to remind myself how if only I was able to rise above my life map and look down on it, I would see how I was right around the corner from my destination. Inside the map, around the corner feels like a million miles away. Above the map, though, it is a breathe away.

A breathe away, I wait. I wait and rehearse and try not to take it all too seriously. I enjoy acting like Marilyn Monroe and singing Buddy Holly tunes and I let go of the fact that my cast doesn't want to do any choreography. I take it for what it is worth, get lots of sleep and keep on with my InDesign lessons.

And I consider buying a GPS.

The Ugly Inevitability

Sometimes it seems like it is inevitable human nature to be unfaithful at some point in ones relationship. In the beginning we have the best of intentions and, of the few that stay together, even fewer make it through without straying. Most of us get weak and start believing that the adrenaline of that one (or many) naughty moments filled with electricity is worth a million tears.

Sometimes it is physical infidelity. Sometimes it is emotional. Sometimes it is a one time fuck up, but more often than not, it is a long term mistake that compounds upon itself. It seems to effect the rich and the poor, the old and the young, the good and the bad. Celebrities with perfect teeth and 2% body fat have their hearts broken by partners who got bored or selfish or confused. Nobody is immune and it floats seductively in front of all our lives as a very real option to numbing our pain.

I am not sure, as a happily married woman, how to hold this information without feeling fear. So, I don't hold it...I let it go...until the next story of some family being ripped apart falls onto my ears. That will never be me, I think. I could never do that, he could never do that. But I know. Nobody thinks of themselves as a cheater. Nobody stands in front of their partner in a beginning full of soaring hearts and pulsing crotches and thinks 'some day my beloved will feel like a stranger and I will allow another to wrap their naked body around me while I sleep'. Nobody thinks that when they first fall in love. Nobody is immune.

Change is inevitable. If I resist it, I call it to me. So, I love. I love and love and mostly, love myself. I keep connecting to That Which Is Bigger Than My Relationship so that no matter what happens I will have an indestructible strength to carry me through. This way, by knowing that my spiritual safety net is there, I can walk this monogamy tight rope with utter confidence.

I love my husband and I know he loves me. We talk more than best girlfriends and make love like playful soul mates. When we disagree it can have the fuel of a hundred fires, but when we make up, it is the sun again after a rainy day. We are as far from as we can be from having an affair. But we will not get lazy, because we know that we are not immune. This too shall pass and the talking needs to keep on so that honesty can save us before we choose less. Connecting to something larger needs to keep on so that we aren't clinging to each other as the ugly inevitability of change unfolds.

It isn't that I am pessimistic. Quite the opposite in fact. In some ways, I am thankful.

But mostly, I have faith.

Vote For My W Network Video!

Feel awful about the election results last night? Feel like your vote didn't make a big enough difference or like you suddenly have a great distaste for the color blue? Here's a way, perhaps, that you can right the wrong:

Leanne and I decided to submit a video to the W Network's "Expert Search" contest. Easily and with great confidence, Lee and I agreed that we deserved to have our own TV show based on how good we both are at decorating gorgeous houses on very tight budgets. Nowhere did it say that we could submit as a partnership, but nowhere did it say that we couldn't. We just thought if you combined the fact that we both love talking, thrive on being the centre of attention and would only give those two things up for one reason - interior decorating - then you'd have a winning combo. Take a look:



But even though I have embedded it here for your viewing ease, I am still gonna need one more favour. If you could now go to the link below and click on how many stars out of five you think we should have (aka vote 5 stars and only 5 stars) and maybe leave a comment (aka regardless of how you feel about the video, use hyperbolized language to tell the producers how ridiculously obvious it is that we should win) then I would forever be in your debt.

Click Here To Help Konkin Find A Life Purpose

Hahaha. I'm just kidding....no, I'm not. Yes, I am. Well....maybe...

Snow?

This is gonna need to be a short post, as I am flying out the door in the next couple of minutes to a Thanksgiving brunch. Luckily, I have a few seconds to kill while I let my husband SHOVEL US OUT OF OUR GARAGE.

Yup, you heard right. Yesterday, on Oct. 12th, Moose Jaw got its first snow fall. And I am not talking a little, itty, bitty bout of snow that has already melted. I am talking over 30cm. Huge amounts. Snow. Winter. And it's not even Halloween yet.

Do I even need to talk about how this makes me feel? Me, who dreams Brazil-in-summer heat? Me, who has been unimpressed with living in Moose Jaw from the get-go? Snow. Pretty, perhaps, yes. But a pain in my butt? An even bigger yes.

Thank god we are going to move. I don't know where and I don't know when, but after having to spend a second winter here in this siberian waste land, I am going to embrace leaving. And to think part of me was actually considering staying! I mean, they were fleeting thoughts at best, fueled mostly by not knowing where else to go, but come on Konkin...

I've gotta go warm up the car. Hrmpgh. Happy Thanksgiving.

The Last Time I Cried? Reading This Letter.

Dear Krista,

So, I read your blog today and I had to write to you. It makes me sad to hear that you struggle with your career and what it is that you desire in that department. I know that comes from the fact that you are a very pasionate person and if you are going to spend that much time in your life doing something it better be something that you LOVE. I completely and totally understand that sentiment and you shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to marry something that doesn't feel right. Too many people do that.

I guess I just want you to know that you are, without a doubt one of the smartest, wittiest, most creative, talented, MULTI-talented, bright, artistic, funny, and innovative people that I know. You could honestly DO whatever you wanted!! Whomever and whatever was reaping the benefits of your time would be so blessed. I think whatever you decide to do, that it needs to encompass ALL the talents that you have. You have to make sure that it does. I thought your idea of designing Websites was Brilliant! You have so much passion for the internet, for people and it's so artistic and creative. I think you could open your own DESIGN company in general... Designs By Konkin.... You could design rooms for people, websites, romantic getaways.

You could become a full time choreographer/director for dance troupes and for theatre productions. You could give seminars to women, women less fortunate. Teach them to tell a good story, design the life they want... etc.
YOU COULD DO ANYTHING YOU WANTED!!!!

You could send a DVD to a few TV stations and have your own show! Start it as a Video Blog and watch it grow. You could start getting paid to write. You love writing! Write a series of books about your life til now.... There are plenty of great love stories there. You could write a book for every relationship you've had (including the female ones) and the second to last one could be entitled "Leon" and the Final one could be entitled "Finding Me". They would sell, I tell you. Maybe we could make a TV series of it. The next "Sex and the City" style sitcom. MAN, the more I write to you I realize AGAIN how much of a power team we could make and how we could do so much together, how much I miss you and want you to live HERE!!!!...Aaaaaaaaaaah!! OKAY BACK TO YOU... LOL!!

I also can see you as the personal assistant to somebody very rich and powerful in a company that you believe in! You're so organized, you'd be good at that!

I guess I just want you to know that you, my dear friend, have the skills and the talents to be anything in this world that you want to be. i also don't think that you should pressure yourself to be any ONE thing. I think you should start by making business cards that list everything and anything that you KNOW you could do. Be the everything girl, believe in it and find employment doing several different things. OR just find one thing, marry it, make it the best thing that ever happened to you professionally and watch it grow!!

I will say from my side of things, that I can completely understand where you're at. I feel the exact same way you do but the opposite way around. I try EVERYDAY to be so grateful for the unbelievable career I am blessed to have... to not take it for granted. But I long for the feeling of stability in a releationship. I'm working on it....like you are in the career sense, but I haven't married anything yet... back to you again...

I love you, and you will find something that fits you just beautifully. Have faith in yourself, stop beating yourself up and give yourself the time to clear your mind of negative thoughts, and it will come to you. I AM CERTAIN OF THAT!!!

You are a gift.
Love,
Sara-Jeanne

If You Don't Have Something Nice To Say, Don't Say Anything At All

Like all publicity being good publicity, I figure I shouldn't be so worried when my blog takes a negative, self-pitying turn. Yet, I feel guilty when I log on more than a couple times in a row to say how useless and lost I feel - and I feel like I fraud if I say anything different.

I am a horrible wife. I spent my husband's birthday gnashing my teeth and crying tears of frustration while I stuck my head under the ginormous mound of pillows that exists at the head of our consciously decorated bed. He had called in sick to work that day, feeling some cold symptoms, but mostly because he felt he deserve to pamper himself on his 32nd birthday. All said, I should have been comforting him, feeding him chicken noodle soup, baking him a cake or cradling him nurturingly to my breast. Instead, I woke for the fifth day in a row with a sense of doom so large that I immediately longed to go back to sleep. Never one to ignore my black moods, Leon asked me to share and the next thing we knew I was throwing my limp body around our bedroom, banishing myself to a life of misery all because I don't really have a passionate career path to follow.

Ok, that wasn't the only reason. Because I don't have a passionate career path to follow, because I feel like I have fallen back (for much too long now) into the rut that I wanted to get out of in 2004, because I don't really have any friends that I can hang out with on a daily basis, because my husband is an actor and his jobs take him away for long periods of time and because I have no idea whether or not I can, should or want to have a baby.

I am a big, indecisive, sad mess. So, what's new?

Could I move to Windsor? Sure, why not? Are my problems going to magically disappear if I stay in Moose Jaw or move to back to BC or adventure out to Ontario? Nope. One thing I know - despite always having the itch to go, go, go - my issues follow me and WILL follow me to the ends of the earth. So, I suppose we should make a good real estate investment decision. It isn't like I am going to have a whole bunch of friends lined up to hang out with me if I move to Nanaimo. As for what I should do...

Ug. I hate this question. I truly want to pick it up and punch it in the face, this question.

I use the analogy all the time about dating all these career paths, but not finding The One. I am willing to date and even get somewhat serious with some of these paths (eg. Live Out Loud Theatre), but no part of me wants to marry them. I see other people happily in love with their careers and I feel a determination to not settle until I have what they have. So, I keep on dating and years later I have found that I am no further ahead.

Leon's criticism (umm, I mean loving advice) is that I am doing is not REALLY dating.OK, Real Estate I dated. With Real Estate I dove in pretty far...worked for over a year in the field and completed my UBC course. My only other date was starting my own business this year, but it was a business that simply built on what I had been previously doing, so it didn't feel like a fresh start. Any other path I have only thought about, dabbled in, contemplated. Essentially, I am being asked out by these paths and I am not even giving them my number. Perhaps my husband is correct and I need to dive head on into some more pools before I conclude that the water ain't the right temperature.

God, I'm addicted to metaphors.

He says I didn't ruin his birthday, but I think I am going to have to make it up to him this weekend. And it is Thanksgiving this weekend, so I will be darned if I am not going to get out of my funky mood and celebrate the BIGGEST blessing in my life. My partnership.

I might suck at dating, but how many people can say that they have such a Wonderful Willey in their lives?

A Konkin Market Tip

Move to Windsor, Ontario.

Seriously. I am thinking of changing the plan from Nanaimo to Windsor and just coming up with a new life plan. (Or - ha ha ha - ANY life plan). Windsor, Ontario has knocked my socks off. Let me explain:

A huge fan of the MLS website, I ventured on earlier today to check out a property that Mom had been commenting on. The site has been revamped as of late and I thought I should navigate around it and get more familiar with its new layout. So, for fun, I used its across Canada search option, new to this updated design, and plopped in some fanciful figures. My parameters were a detached house with four or more bedrooms with a price range of $100K to $125K. I thought I would get about 25 hits tops.

Was I wrong! Over 400 hits popped up and many, many of them seemed to be located in Windsor, Ontario. These houses were massive and brick and charming and listed at prices like $104K! And there were hundreds of them. It was startling and exciting and then, a little sad. It was obvious that something was not going well in this city - a city I had visited many times during my ten years in the GTA and always thought was pretty cool. Later this evening, while showing my family my gold mine, I found out the reason. Windsor, practically connected at the hip with Detroit, has been devastated by the automotive industry crash. And like all things connected, when Detroit hurts, so will Windsor. When markets crash, certain cities get hit the hardest. Poor Windsor.

So, is it opportunistic to feast on the carcass of such an economic disaster? And do I really want to move to Windsor, Ontario where I know no one and have no emotional connection? True, Windsor ironically has come up in conversation several times this week after years of never having thought of the place because this week I have been looking at potential university options. University of Windsor and Sheridan have been in talks to allow the MT Performance grads to transfer their three years of credits to U of W in liu of year one and two of a BFA. Nothing has come through yet, but never the less, that was something I had been thinking about. Then BOOM, it comes up on my just-for-fun MLS search. It would also be a fine career place for Leon being so close to Stratford, Kitchener-Waterloo, Hamilton and, of course, Toronto. Ontario is never a bad place to live for a theatre professional.

It isn't lost on me that this random property search is yet another symptom of my don't-know-where-I-belong-lament. But when you are finding old, charming character homes with six bedrooms and 3 bathrooms for $109K, you dream. At least I do.

I mean, If I am going to be lost, I may as well make some savvy RE investments along the way, no?

Click here to see an example of what I am talking about...

Sick Day Sick Day Blah Blah Blah

Here I go again.

2009 looms in front of me as a blank canvas in which I can paint any picture I want. But I am not sure of what I want. Same old story, same old pattern. Grant #1 is a long shot, but the one I am most interested in and Grant #2 is one I sorta got swept into and have mush less enthusiasm for...both of these are my main source of potential income in 2009. What if neither happens? Would I even care?

I think about a lot of things at times like these. I think about Dawson, going back in the spring and having another Yukon adventure. I think about going back to school full time to focus my path in a different direction and allow me to cocoon for awhile. I think about having a baby now, while I am not distracted by any passion filling career and my ovaries are still producing eggs. I think about giving up. I think about giving in.

But the thing is - where will I be after Dawson or some other remote, adventurous locale? The same old story, the same old pattern. And as for school - a noble choice - but what do I study? If I am going to go into debt, I don't want to study something that sucks my soul dry. I also don't want to study something that will leave me a degree in a field that will leave me telling the same old story, stuck in the same old pattern. As for a baby...I somehow doubt that 'do it now to get it over with' or 'do it now because I am bored' is a recipe for success.

Giving up is too dramatic and giving in is what I have been doing, mostly happily, since Jordan left. Giving in to the fact that I have no clue and just flowing with it. I guess I can keep doing that. Flow into work or into unemployment and flow right on through to something else. Follow the choices that make me feel less like stabbing myself in the face and then celebrate the baby step. I suppose.

But I feel like my husband is now in the direct line of my fire. He needs a partner that can be his equal and I know that he didn't sign on to a lifetime of saving me from drowning simply because I can't decide what boat to get into.

This kind of thinking has made me feel terrible physically and so I have called in a sick day. Mentally blue and physically ill - always hand in hand.

If only I could have a lightbulb moment concerning what I want to do with the rest of my life.

If only I could be PAID to figure out what it is I want to do with the rest of my life.

Then I'd be the CEO for sure.