What's Going On With Me?

I woke up this morning at ten to five. In the morning. I was awakened by the same discomfort that I have had for several nights now. My feet are hot and feel swollen, my body is aching and it feels like my heart is racing.

At ten to five, I got out of bed and came here, to the TV room. I grabbed my MacBook and started googling my symptoms. From the sounds of it I could have anything from hypothyroidism to a neuropathy. Although I dislike western medicine, I am considering going to a doctor. Because something is up with me.

I feel loaded with odd and unusual symptoms these days. Weird neck pain, wild mood swings, strange digestive activity, disrupted sleep, physical cramping in my limbs, tingly, hot feet. It worries me about me. Am I bringing all of this on myself with the self-induced stress that I create with my feelings of discontent? Or am I feeling more discontent than usual because of something physical that is going on in my body? I am so tired and want to sleep, but feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

Hell, I am feeling uncomfortable in my own life.

My emotional anxiety is embarrassing sometimes. Tonight I talked to two friends of mine that I haven't spoken to in forever. And they were both dealing with the kind of life events that REALLY shake a person up. There I was, commiserating with their moods, and yet I had nothing concrete to complain about. Boring stuff like 'I don't like living here' or 'I am lonely and friendless' or 'three years later and I still don't know what it is I truly want to do with my life!!' In fact, in some areas my life soars while most of my friend's lives falter. Why can't I celebrate those successes and ignore the areas where I am stuck?

Why are my feet feeling this way? What is my physical discomfort all about?

What if I have some strange brain tumor or life threatening cancer?

Which reminds me, I gotta answer my Bucket List question.

Just in case.

Bucket List

I'm still a little sad today, so I will merely post a link to my New Konkin Question...

Let me know what you would make sure you did if you only had six months to live.

I will put my answers on the Konkin Question page, too.

The Only One

I had a reaction last night that I think makes me unique. Even weird. And definitely a minority.

A friend of mine purchased me tickets to The Dark Knight. I didn't want to go, but was touched at the sweetness and generosity of the ticket purchase and talked myself into going. Leon has been on my ass lately for being close minded when it comes to movies and, considering that as well, I went.

My reaction to the film was severe. About half way through I got this tightening in my chest like I was having a heart attack and I felt dizzy. There I sat (why I didn't get up and walk out I do not know) and watched person after person get murdered, slaughtered, one death more creative than the one before. The action was non-stop - no doubt one the reasons that the movie has broken records for sales in its first weekend - and the noise was deafening. It made me nauseous, that amount of violence, and the void, numb way everyone in the theatre sat back and watched it gave me the creeps. I gripped my hands together and prayed for the end. The end was a long time coming and after two and a half hours I left the theatre feeling violated and terribly sad.

The minute Leon and I got into my car and away from our friends, I burst into tears. There was no explanation for the tears. I suppose I felt the need to purge myself of all the toxic images I just witnessed. I needed to mourn for all the characters that died in the story and yet had no effect on any of us. I was sad for our species...to know that this is the way we entertain ourselves...filling our free time with violence, violence and more violence. Finally, I cried because I didn't walk out and take a - peaceful - stand for what I believe.

How can we watch that crap and call it fun and the next minute be so angry at violence we encounter in real life? Why are we so confused at how we - as a global community - have disintegrated so totally when all we ingest day after day is violence in the name of entertainment? How can I say I long for peace - in my life, in my country, in the world - if I sit casually by and witness images of violence for fun?

Because they aren't real people? Nope, that doesn't fly with me. It is proven that our brains doesn't know the difference between running a marathon and imagining running a marathon. THOUGHTS ARE THINGS and words have power and what we eat, we are. We can't say we want a healthier digestive system and then swallow a spoon full of poison. There is no congruency this behavior.

The change must start with me. From here on in, I will not consume violence. If It leaves me desperately alone, I don't care. There are more than enough people who fight for the side of war, conflict, violence. I will cross the line and stand on the other side. My husband will not cross with me, I know. He loves his share of violence for entertainment...even now, as I write this, he plays a video game where the objective is to kill anything that gets in the way your personal goal. I love him, but I will oppose him on this for as long as I live and, even though I will not control his choices on the matter, I will not partake.

I choose peace for real, not just in concept. I attempt to find it inside of me every day. To silence the voices that beat me up when I make a mistake, to be particular about the words that come out of my mouth and the thoughts I hold in my mind. I will read books that nourish me and turn away from the films and TV that do nothing to promote love and patience and tolerance and peace.

I will not do it in the name of a particular religion, but because I am a human with the faith that I - that we - can be better.

The Kinshellas

Since last I blogged, something truly weird and wonderful has happened.

Before I tell you, I will reiterate the story of my past, quickly. At four years old my mother escaped my terribly abusive and alcoholic father. Names were taken out of phone books, restraining orders were developed and we went into a type of hiding. Ever since, my father has only been spoken of in distant ways like someone from another time and place. About five years ago, mom found out that he had moved back to Moose Jaw and was very upset, but he seemed to be keeping to himself and life went on.

Last week, a woman facebooked me telling me that she was a long lost cousin of mine from my dad's side. She told me that that side of my family has wondered about my whereabouts for a long time. She filled me in on the death of my grandmother and my half-brother and told me all about my sisters. Weird to think that I have sisters - half-sisters, but sisters none the less. She has sent me pictures and sure enough, there they are all blonde and blue eyed like myself. This cousin of mine remembers us playing together when were super little, riding ponies and playing on the farm.

She is even in contact with my dad, which is the only piece of this that I don't like. I found out that he has been reading about me in the paper due to River Street publicity and wants to come and see my show. I assume - and hope - that if he does, he will do so from afar and not attempt to talk to me afterward, but who knows? I am not really afraid of him, not anymore, but when he is drunk he is a bit of a monster. Surely, I don't need to worry about anything negative happening in this regard, but part of me wishes I never had to start thinking about any of this in the first place.

But the universe never sends you anything that you aren't strong enough to handle. And I am happy to get to know the rest of my father's side. It isn't their fault that he is a man inflicted with a dense pain-body. My cousin seems really friendly and positive and meeting new people - related or not - is always fun.

I am not like alot of people. I don't focus my identity on my genetics. I know that Who I Am is much greater than who I am genetically linked to. My family is a human family and I am part of It All...I love people because that is my default nature and I hate and fear people because I am human and have an ego. Perhaps this is why I don't have the same reverence for the traditional definition of 'family' that so many do. Maybe this is why I can't imagine feeling that my life will have been for nothing if I don't procreate.

Anyhow, it has been quite the event. Luckily, I got to go out to my friend's cabin this weekend (shortened considerably by the rainy, BC-ish weather) and concentrate on what is really important...which is...sucking all the juice out of what I am seeing may be a very very short summer.

That being said, I see some sun so I am going to tan.

'Til next we speak, check out my new Konkin Question!!

She Power

Two nights ago I had a feminist panic attack.

What had I become, I suddenly thought? I had always declared that I would carve out a different path for myself as a female. I wouldn't follow the exact same template that so many other women fall into. I would have lovers instead of husbands, I would travel and live in exciting locations, I would leave babies to the women in the suburbs and I would be dedicated to smashing as many female stereotypes as I possibly could in a lifetime.

Then I got married and moved to Moose Jaw. I live in a house with a white picket fence that I constantly clean. People ask us when we are going to have a baby and I find myself sometimes fantasizing about Leon making the big income so I could stay home and not have to work.

See what I mean!!!!!!

So, yesterday I had a She Power day. I got on my computer and started doing some of my own work. I inquired about taking some online classes in the fall, studying things that I want to study and have nothing to do with anyone or anything else but myself. I sold some stuff, got my house in order and then went into the basement and started helping Leon. Up until now I have left the building part to him, but in my feminist panic, I decided that enough was enough. I went down, grabbed some panels, measured them and then grabbed the loudest power tools I could find. I cut and nailed and bashed and cut and got extremely dirty and unbelievably sore. BUT GOD IT WAS GREAT. When I get into these hyperactive, type A moods I am a machine. So, while I built, I also did laundry and cooked dinner. ME!! I also scheduled rehearsals for this short film I am doing and contemplated going on another theatre hiatus (but that's a whole other post). It was a day of accomplishment, of burning with the fierceness of my independence and not allowing myself to slump into some passive, soggy space.

I will be married but I refuse to become a typical wife. Babies I will still leave to the women in the suburbs and soon enough I will be traveling again and broadening my horizons. My partner will be skillful at cooking and cleaning. And we will always have tons and tons of hot, hot sex.

Today I am off to a massage, lunch with my doctor friend and then my show.

Who said you need to make a million bucks to feel like a million bucks;-)

A Poem and A Video

Stumbled upon this poem and was astonished at how appropriate it was for a girl who owns a website entitled Finding Me...

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the others welcome, and say, sit here. Eat
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate
notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life

- Derek Walcott

And in an attempt to capture what my baby has been going through, crouched in our silly little basement doing renovations while all the other kids are outside playing in the sun, a video:

Look Out Hollywood

There are things I know I am good at and things I know I am not good at.

Film acting is one thing that I know I am not good at. Perhaps I can follow this up by saying "yet" but as it stands it is just not something I excel at. I am at peace with it, having never been in love with the medium anyway. A big, ol' stage actor I am and that is okay with me.

Now, this hasn't stopped our new friend Daniel from asking me to play the lead role in his next short film. Daniel plays Leon's brother in River Street and gets a huge thumbs up from both of us. There is nothing I wouldn't do for this guy - I like him that much. So, when he asked me to be in his film, I couldn't say no. I warned him, though, about my lack of talent. It hasn't seemed to faze him...and so it seems that I will be filming a very dark and twisty love story in the next few weeks. And then it will be there...permanently recorded forever. It isn't even an easy role...it's full of that layered acting stuff that is needed in the telling of dark and twisty love stories.

I am totally terrified.

Perhaps I will post in on my blog when it is complete. If it is okay. If it isn't totally embarrassing. Or, who knows, maybe it will even be pretty good? Perhaps it will go to film festivals and I will win acting awards and the next thing you know I will be cast in the next season of One Tree Hill???!!?

Certainly a lack of talent can't be THAT big of an issue?

It never seemed to affect Keanu.

In-Law Ecstasy

My mother in law is in town for a visit and I have a kink in my neck that won't let go. The in laws visiting and a pain in the neck...coincidence you ask? I dare not comment.

One gift she does bring is the viewing of Moose Jaw through new and appreciative eyes. She sees the quaintness of the downtown core, the charm of our little house, the seeming friendliness of the people, the young families, the tree laned streets. In a rush, it makes me imagine staying here, having a baby and living a precious little life in our charming house with our adorable - ficitional - baby.

Then I remember. I remember the snow, the cold, the revved up pick up trucks with their gun racks, the lack of people that are anything like us. Last night I read a book that talked about the geographical freedom that comes from living in a place that you feel you belong and I remember that I have never felt a belonging here, not then, not now.

Of course, I should want to live somewhere close to family if I was to have a baby so that the extra, free, help would be around. But a) I don't really want to have a baby and b) I think it would drive me crazy to have either my mom or mom-in-law around all the time if a baby was present. There is something about the nature of a mother figure that brings me stress...perhaps it is the constant criticism or the extra duty of caring for their fears as well...but I know that If I was to procreate I would want it to be in a place that I feel happiest myself geographically and does present some distance from family.

I suppose this doesn't make me very family oriented. But I suppose I have always known that.

The family I do miss is my friend family. Having them close by again is something I long for. Imagining a lot of them with my - fictional - baby makes me smile. Maybe it is because there would be no way of being made to feel incompetent since all of us are about as new at the baby-thing as the other. Anyway, let me stop talking about a baby that I have no intention on having.

In a few hours Leon's mom will meet my mom and it should be very interesting. Alex is also visiting. And Aunt Elaine will be there. It is a family day and my neck just keeps holding on.

"If you think you are enlightened, spend a week with your parents."
-Ram Dass

3/4 Gal

It could be a symptom of being on the fourth day of my cleanse and having consumed so few calories that I am starting to lose brain cells, but last night before I fell asleep I was engulfed with a huge wave of disappointment about ... well... everything.

It occurred to me that I am a jack of many trades and a master at none. I am a pretty good actor, pretty good singer and pretty good dancer. I have an emerging talent as a director and I am a passable choreographer. I believe I have some raw writing skills and an eye for design and when it comes to business, I have inherited the MacLise gene - sort of. It's like I am 3/4 the way to being excellent at a lot of things, but that is all.

Also, because I am not a 'stayer' I often experience many journeys in an almost fashion. Luckily, I doubt this will be true of my marriage and I am glad to be able to say that I completed college. Still, my wandering ways have led me to this jack of all trades, master of none conclusion. Most of the time I am okay with this, some of time I am devastated by this and last night, I was simply disappointed.

You know what I mean? Have you had those moments when you look at yourself and your life and you grade them at a mediocre B- which in a sense hurts more than a committed F? Or is it just me? Perhaps I am too extreme, preferring Fs to Bs and always disappointed when It's not an A. I just wish I knew I was excellent at ONE THING. Excellent, not very good or pretty good or good enough or better than most, but EXCELLENT.

Let's hope my 3/4 mood is due to my meals being made up of steamed broccoli, almonds and water.

Here's hopin' this detox will purge me of my toxic belief systems as well.

What I Have Eaten So Far

One Apple
One Plum
A bowl of raw buckwheat, sesame seeds, almonds and rice milk
One cup brown rice
Cauliflower pieces dipped in homemade guacamole (avocado, spinach, garlic and lemon)
Tons of Water

How I am feeling: good. lighter. slightly dizzy, but that could be because it is also over +30C today

24 hours down and only...264 more to go.

The 2008 Detox

I did it last summer and it totally turbo charged my summer of good health and skinny thighs, so I am going to do it again.

The Wild Rose Detox is well known by many. If you have ever researched a cleanse or shopped at a health food store you have probably bumped into it. It is an all natural, but not too severe cleanse that is comprised of many naturopathic supplements and a strict diet that excludes what seems like everything. But I am sick of feeling crummy as I have been lately and can feel that I am in need of a diet overhaul. For many reasons I am having a hard time getting myself out of a bad eating rut...so I am hoping this will help.

I have even purchased whole buckwheat and rice milk which I have told myself I will use as a substitute for cereal. Lord help me.

Luckily, organic butter is allowed and like Sarah was telling us a few posts ago, veggies with lots of butter and some raw salt can taste awesome. And they allow almonds to snack on, thank god. Another weird surprise on this cleanse is popcorn with butter. Too bad they recommend that you eat as much fish as you possibly can. Boo! I think I will try to stick to the almonds.

Oh, and corn. I can BBQ up some corn on the cob and eat it with butter. Can't think of a more wonderful summertime treat. Drinks-wise there isn't much I can drink other than water...but to make that a little more exciting, I am planning to buy myself a new stainless steel water bottle and get rid of my old, smelly Nalgene. Tonight I went out and got a crop of wonderful looking fruit and veggies and a big bag of brown rice which I can make in my rice maker and eat with Bragg (which I think tastes totally like soy sauce!). I can do this. Maybe not the wisest timing, with five very important shows coming up this weekend, but I feel really ready to rid my body of it's toxic feelings.

I will let you know how I do and if you have any questions, let me know. I am happy to share any info I might have on being a a cooking-phobic, undisciplined cleanser.

And heck, if It also accomplishes me looking better in my bikini, then so be it!