Toronto Nostalgia

I never miss Toronto. There is no exaggeration in me when I say that I have not missed Toronto for one second of one day since the moment I drove outta there in Aidan's old beat up car in 2003. It was one of those clean break ups, with no residual anger, guilt, longing or doubt. It was over. I knew it, Toronto knew it and when I said goodbye I never looked back.

But what I do miss, every now and then, is my gang from that time period. I miss having SJ as my other half. I miss having house parties all the time and hanging around in our cozy, cheap living rooms 'til the wee hours. I miss going to the Salvation Army and the Goodwill and Value Village every second day and Sundays when we all gathered at the greasy ol' Tennessee for a $5 brunch. I miss having eighteen friends all living a few blocks away...and trust me, the irony that I had to live in Canada's largest city to have my friends all live close by is not lost on me. I miss how bonded we were because we were all just starting out in this industry...in our love relationships...in being truly adult. We were babies with big dreams and we had each other ...and even though I don't miss Toronto, I do miss that.

The 404 Gang in Vancity brought me some of that feeling, for sure. There we were, all in our late twenties, a little bit more jaded and a little bit more lost. Still, we had each other and like the lyric from Avenue Q describes "it sucks to be us, but not when we're together". Yup, Vancouver was good times as well, but it didn't have the same youthful innocence of Toronto. The gang was older and thus not quite as closely interwoven.

Ah, but those Toronto days...the nights Norbert, Aidan and I would sit in the office and dream up fantastical plans for our uncertain futures. The evening escapades to Dutch Dreams and innumerable movies we rented from the Blockbuster just outside our back door. Hanging on the street car and relating our audition horror/success stories. The dark, scummy fun of that concrete jungle!

I think it is time I went back for a visit. Not sure when or how or why, even, but something seems to be calling me back. Just for a couple days...to remind myself that that part of my life really did exist.

Suppose curiosity is killing my cat.

That, or it's all that T.O. smog.

Baby Train

I suppose it's inevitable. When you are a newly married couple and you're 32, you ask yourself the question that everyone else keeps asking you? Are you going to have kids? Thinking yet about babies? Do you think having a family is part of your plan?

Leon asks himself the question as much as I do and on any given day you will get both of us at varying ends of a wide range of feelings. When I met Leon, I was at the height of my "I think I've changed my mind and I want to have a baby" phase and he was perplexed and intrigued by my passion. These days, I have returned to the Krista I know and love and can't imagine having a baby...or better yet, can't imagine giving up the lifestyle that I lead. Leon, on the other hand, is more deeply conflicted than ever before. Some days he'll eagerly tell me about his uber-cool boss who has this adventure life and great marriage and - you guessed it - no kids. Other days, he grows softer, confused. He isn't sure if he is missing out, but not factoring in a baby.

Thus, my newest Konkin Question. It is Leon's question this time, asked by us both, to all of you.

It poses the question - should we all want a child? Should we all have a child? Is having a child something that you can never be ready for until it is thrust upon you? What is our obsession will following such a rigid template of how our lives should unfold? Or is it a rigid template for a reason?

I don't want to be tied down. Marriage hasn't felt that way - not much anyway. Married, I still do as I please, I just make sure to communicate it before hand to my partner. There are compromises, sure, but none that are monumental. None that challenge what is most profoundly important about how I live my life. Not yet, at least. If I need to stay in Vancouver for September because on some level It just feels like the right thing to do for myself, I do it. That can't be true with a child. I couldn't leave that child to go off and live on my own somewhere for a month! I couldn't pull my child away from it's routine to drag it along on my self-discovery adventures - that wouldn't be fair to the child. Which leaves me with the option of not doing what I am called to do so that the needs of my child are the priority.

Sounds noble, for sure. And like a big, fat nightmare. No wonder so many mothers I know have a deep, bubbling of resentment flowing through the centre of their lives. I don't want that.

Still, it is a mysterious concept, romanticized and idolized by my culture AND my gender. It keeps me wondering - what if I get to be too old to change my mind and realize that my life has been meaningless without that experience of motherhood? What if?

That wise voice inside says - life is simply what you make it. Meaning is what you decide. No outside circumstance - even a child - defines Who You Truly Are. Have a baby if it calls to you the same way the staying self-discovery adventures might. If it doesn't, don't. No apologies.

Wise voice. But what about Leon? Where do his wants fit into this equation?

Is procreating a type of destiny that one should not try to control?

What do you think??

YAY!!

Opening night went beautifully. I mean, other than the fact that the track on one of our closing numbers stopped half way through, leaving us to sing the rest of the number a cappella. Still, a lady from Austin, Texas in the audience came out into the lobby afterward exclaiming how much she loved the a cappella number! So, all is well that ends well...

Now, the run begins. I am writing this in between matinee and evening show with tomorrow's show ending what has been a very, very long week. There were dark moments, but now I can proudly say - the show is funny and fun. Come check it out. It's where I am going to be until August...

and then I am going back to the ocean.

Excuses, Excuses

We are a whiny bunch, aren't we?

Human beings have made a habit out of finding excuses for everything. It seems to be almost against our human nature to take 100% responsibility for anything. It's easy to see how this is true for other people, but one has to ask, how is it true for myself? Right now, a night before opening night, when everything is in chaos and it feels like we'll never be able to pull the show off, blame becomes a hot commodity. I watch it. If any of us adhered to 'he amongst you without sin, cast the first stone' every single one of us - including myself - would have to stay silent. But it seems the harder someone is sucking at their own crap, the more blame they lay on other people's crap. Actors love to blame direction or writing, directors love to blame diva actors or their production crew, production crew likes to blame the lack of proper tools or facilities, the producers love to blame the director and the media, dancers like to blame choreographers and choreographers like to blame the bad coffee. It is a vicious circle with not one person stopping to say 'until every single thing I do is being done to the very best of my ability and unless their isn't one more thing I could rehearse or perfect or research or communicate I shall stay silent and work harder'.

I am trying to practice what I preach. Of course, when I am feeling the most insecure and afraid, I fall to blame...but at least now I can hear how lame ass my blaming is. "I need more light" or "the hat is stupid" or "s/he isn't picking up their cues" is just an easy out. It all might be true, but that isn't the point. The point is I don't want to become an unconscious, habitual blamer or victim. I'm gonna give it my best shot.

So, here is the part where I ask you to pray/hope/send good energy for my show. We open tomorrow and god knows if we are gonna be able to pull off an entertaining, high quality show. I am terrified and exhausted, but so incredibly anxious to get this sucker on its feet and get on with enjoying my summer. 48 hours from now this bird will have jumped from its nest...

...I just don't hope I end up regretting the flight.

Click here for the show times and ticket info!

And Finally The Sun

I had a beautiful birthday and I thank gleefully everyone who helped make it that way. I am pretty sure that I received practically everything on my list - other than ankles of course - and was also given enough down time to gear up for this coming week. Tech week. Tech weeks are always a test of faith and my starts today.

It doesn't feel that odd to be 32. Happily I went back to my birthday blog posts from 2005, 2006 and 2007 just to see how I have been coming along and was delighted to find that my 30th and 31st year have been incredible. I mean, back into big theatre contracts, leaving Vancouver to gypsy for over a year, losing Jordan, finding my spine, meeting Leon, MARRYING Leon, buying my first house, opening my first theatre company, moving to Moose Jaw, etc. etc. It has been two consecutive years of manifesting big change and big dreams.

Dare I ask for another year right in a row? For this 32nd year I want consistent contracts, money rolling in those from contracts and from real estate, BC to be my home again, my healthy body weight to be achieved, perhaps an uber-cool road trip to ensue, everyone to come to my third and final wedding celebrating in Sechelt, new friends to do things with and my old friends close by.

Short post, as I am now off to one of my birthday gift - a massage! My poor aching body needs it. Wish me luck on this tech week. I have never been this nervous for an opening night before. But once the show is up and running, it'll be smooth sailing.

The best gift I received was that the sun has come back. Summer may just be starting.

As is the rest of my life.

32

I can't believe it. I am 32.

I get that 32 is just a number. We can attach whatever story we want to that number. So, I guess I am here to talk about the attachments I have to that number. The stories I tell about 3 and 2 together and the stories I tell about lots of other things.

32 feels old.
By 32 one should have figured out what they want to ultimately do for a living.
A 32 year old shouldn't feel like she married young when she just got married the year before.
By 32 babies need to become a topic of discussion.
All 32 year old women have feelings of maternal instinct.
Marriage means no more freedom.
Babies are like adding another padlock to already padded cell of marriage.
At this age, you're only gonna get fatter and more unattractive.
Normal means to become content with an unadventurous, stagnant life.
All women care about owning many pairs of shoes.
My wardrobe should more accurately portray my age...which is 32.
Women who are 32 are running out of time.

And here is a big one that I think I discovered I've been feeling for awhile...the fact that I am turning 32 and am now married, living in a house in MOOSE JAW makes me a sell out.

Why sell out you ask? Because I was always gonna be the girl who didn't get married, didn't weed the garden and didn't ever live in Moose Jaw. I was the one female I knew who was as happy single as I was partnered and who put her needs first and not behind that of a man. I wanted to be someone who broke the mold, who played by different rules.

Thing is, I feel like I am still that girl, I just happen to have made my commitment to a fantastic guy legal. Sure, I live in Moose Jaw physically, but I am here to make money, not because I am suddenly deluded into thinking this is where I belong. And I weed because it adds value to my investment. And although I love my husband - and I do love my husband - I have remained pretty aware and attentive to my own desires and needs. I also think that I could be just as happy single, if I needed to be. Yet, on nights like tonight, as I turn 32, I question myself. Have I become someone that I am not or is the real me just finding herself in surface circumstances that are a bit incongruent to her nature? Or am I over thinking all of this way too much when I really should be sleeping?

Here are some positive thoughts I have about stuff:

32 year old woman have never been sexier - in the media or in real life.
Marriage can be a something that makes you even more free, if you create that kind of union.
There are levels of attractive that the thirties bring you that just do not exist when you are in your twenties.
Babies - or men - do not make a woman. We have things going for us that are just as, if not more, significant.
Super cool women spend more time worrying about their global footprint than they do about shoes.
It is up to us to refuse to worry about having perfect bodies. We are smarter than that!
Things only get better at 32.
At 32, you're still a newbie...take all the time you need.

Just a number, lots of stories. Me, 32. Wonder where I will be a year from now? If I have it my way, I'll be in a place so unique and layered that I can't even imagine it right now.

I refuse to act my age.

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

If You Don't Have Some Enemies...

...then you must be doing something wrong.

I've always liked that quote. I have historically had a long line of enemies and seem to make enemies as consistently as I make friends. A long time ago this bothered me, but now I embrace it. I am an out loud person who wears my heart on my sleeve - both when I am happy and when I am not. You'll always know where you stand with me and if I don't like you or what you're doing, I won't hide it. This doesn't mean I am confrontational, just that I am not invested in sugar coating things in order to make them more palatable. I try to be kind - and often I am - but I will never pretend.

Why am I saying all this? I dunno...tough rehearsal tonight, I guess. There is one person in particular who I have been as patient as I can be with, but who has now worn me down into frustration. A cast is like a sports team...if one player doesn't pick up the ball, the whole team suffers. That is why it is called a team. You're only as strong as your weakest link...and the perfectionist in me gets frustrated with weak links. I guess it makes me feel powerless, like no matter how hard I work, if this other person doesn't work equally as hard, the scene/song/show fails. Soooooooo scary and such an awful feeling. Perhaps It has entered my path to help me work on letting go of control, since there ain't nothin' I can do about it at this point.

I just don't wanna stink in front of an audience. And I want the show to be excellent.

We open a week today ... or should I say yesterday since it is already after midnight? Oh God, six days. The next little while is gonna be a bitch.

Kinda like myself ;-)

Eat, Pray, Booooo

I just finished a book that has affected the lives of many women.

Thing is, I didn't really like it. And that shocks me, because everything about the book should be right up my alley. Like my blog, it is written by a woman who is searching and tells her story in a very personalized, stream of consciousness kind of way. It is filled with romance and heartbreak and travel and spiritual insight and ... It bored the life out of me.

First off, I didn't really like the woman. She seemed whiny, pathetic and unable to be on her own. I judged her for jumping from her marriage into another love affair and then, at the end of her travels, ending up with some random guy. It could be that I didn't like her because she represented all the parts of myself that I don't approve of...I am not certain. Point being, I wasn't on her side.

Not to mention the pages of description of the history of the countries she was traveling in and the background of the religions she was studying. That doesn't make for a badly written book - quite the opposite I'm sure - but it does make for a bored Konkin. I found myself constantly flipping forward pages and pages. Eventually, I was reduced to scanning whole pages in an attempt to make the book end faster.

Yet, within the story were gems. Little parts or sentences or concepts that stuck out. For example, the description of Indonesian meditation described by her old medicine man at the end of the book. He tells her to meditate by sitting quietly with a huge smile on her face for a period of time. It struck me as pure genius the minute I read it. Sitting, quietly, smiling. Brilliant. Meditation is always dealt with with such seriousness. I dare any of you reading this to try it. Sit with your eyes closed somewhere quiet and then smile. Regardless of the mood you are in, just grin like a fool. And sit. It transforms you. And for some insane reason it is really hard. Maybe because we have all gotten so damn good at our suffering.

Ah, well. This isn't the first time that my tastes haven't followed the pack. I laughed out loud after reading the first few pages of the first Harry Potter book...and not in a good way. And I would rather sit through a week long lecture on mathematical biosciences than read the Lord Of The Rings trilogy. I hate The Da Vinci Code and now I can say that I was sadly disappointed in this new bestseller.

Though I have found a new TV show to watch. Friday Night Lights. Hating the cool, feminine, spiritual book and loving the TV show about a red neck football town.

Shit. I gotta get out of Moose Jaw.

Biz E

Our roof is leaking.

Leanne is staying over at our house tonight and I can overhear the conversation her and Leon are having. They are talking about how is the hell Leon and I could ever afford to have a baby. This comes up at a time when Leon is working two jobs - the show and his other joe job at the spa - and is pulling days that last from 5am until 1am. He is burning out, we hardly see each other and still the income he/we make barely cuts the mustard. Not surprisingly so, he can't imagine how we would deal with this if we - god forbid - added a kid into the mix. I can't say that I disagree.

Tonight I don't want to have a baby.

It is a feeling that comes and goes these days. Lately, I have been back to my original feeling of never wanting to procreate. The other day, even, I visited new friends that have a seven month old baby. She is the sweetest, cutest, chubbiest of babies - the kind that make a womb swell. But there I was, back in my 20 year old mentality thinking -

ohmygodthankgodthatisn'tmineandIcangohomeanytimeIwantto!!!

No part of me ached for a child. No part of me looked over longingly at Leon and dreamed. Nope. I was thrilled to have at least that freedom. I was thrilled to not have to play mother on top of wife and home owner (I can't believe our roof is leaking!). Hell, playing wife and home owner is a million times more adult than I ever thought I would become. Nope...no, no, no...no babies. No thanks. That is were I am at these days.

In fact, sometimes I think about all the responsibility I have taken on and I want to run backwards into my past where it was just me and my one bedroom apartment with the Vancouver rain pounding against the patio door and the strains of swing music playing in the background. It is useless to tell myself that it is selfish or childish to feel this way. The feeling comes up and swells inside my chest like a pressure balloon, choking me. Part of the weight of me missing Vancouver is me missing my freedom.

I gotta go back.

I just gotta.

Crappy Weather and A Must See Musical Event

It is freezing cold and rainy today. It's June. And it's cold.

Sigh.

The silver lining? Hmmmm, sleeping in to the sound of rain on the windows. Our plants and lawn and big, backyard tree coming into bloom. Saskatchewan farmers crops flourishing. And, I suppose, I needn't care less since we are in rehearsals all the time.

Rehearsals are going well. Rehearsals are always intense times for actors. Full of exploring, frustration, over-flowing brains. My personal experience is a challenging one, because my control freak comes out to play during rehearsal periods. I strive immediately for perfection and don't allow myself to play in the muck, much. My ability to learn everything incredibly fast is both a blessing and a curse. My intention for this show was to have fun and make some money - period. So, I am trying to remember that and choose to smile more than frown in concentration. I know many people say this, but I am a perfectionist when it comes to the stage. And perfection is not always that creative, I acknowledge that.

The show is going to be good. Excellent, even...perhaps. But good for sure. I have many songs and dances and Leon is practically always on stage, much like last summer. It is a busy show for us...but funny and...fun. For lack of better words. Here are the show dates this summer for anyone that is thinking of dropping through Moose Jaw this summer:

June 20 @ 8pm

June 21 @ 2pm and 8pm

June 22, 24, 29 @ 8pm

July 3, 4 @ 8pm

July 5 @ 2pm and 8pm

July 6, 10, 11 @ 8pm

July 12 @ 2pm & 8pm

July 13, 15, 16, 24, 25 @ 8pm

July 26 @ 2pm & 8pm

July 27, 29, 30, 31 @ 8pm

August 1 @ 8pm

August 2 @ 2pm & 8pm

August 3 @ 8pm

Tickets: Adults $25

Seniors & Students (with I.D.) $20

For reservations call:
1-306-693-4700
or
1-800-970-7328

Personally, I think absolutely everyone should come see us in this show. #1 - because I am lonely and want to see anyone and everyone who is willing to come and see me! #2 - because if this show is well attended and well received they will most likely mount it again next summer which could mean more employment for L and I. #3 - to observe the coolest profession for married people aka getting to see Leon make out with another woman while I stand idly by...Oh and #4 - because you will laugh and cry and shake your head and have the kind of fun that you can only have at a musical.

Plus, the weather may be crappy enough that swimming, biking or bbq-ing won't be much fun.

Ah, now there's a good marketing pitch...

"Avoid The Effects of Global Warming - See River Street!!"

My 32nd Birthday Wish List

I have never been beneath writing out a birthday wish list every year. I figure it is a good exercise for putting intentions out there in the world. Ya find that most of the stuff ventures onto your path eventually, even if it wasn't by way of traditional gift giving. So, here are a few different lists (I love lists!):

The Real List
----------
-- White iPod dock
-- Adobe InDesign CS2 Classroom in a Book
-- Tutorials with Erika from Fire Monkey Design
-- Yoga classes package (sugar shack for info)
-- Sewing lessons
-- Ikea gift certificate
-- House and Home Magazine subscription
-- An Eckhart Tolle DVD Retreat Series (there are a few...I would love any of them!)
-- Clinique Happy Heart perfume
-- External Hard Drive, more RAM, Leopard....or....a whole new MacBook!!!
-- Guitar lessons...and if they take, a guitar
-- Sahara Spa massage

The Super Expensive Things List
-------------------------
-- A new car, preferably a Toyota Echo/Yaris, Honda Fit, Pontiac Vibe or Chevy Aveo.
-- New headshots by Rob Daly
-- Guess the Macbook should be on this list
-- Queen sized matress
-- Sculpture Art piece for my den about 2-3' tall
-- An iPhone (they don't come out until fall, but I am willing to wait)

The Random Things List
-------------------
-- A label maker
-- Those machines that make ambient noises like rainfall, babbling brook, waves, etc.
-- The use of an apartment in Vancouver for the month of September
-- For Peyton and Lucas to end up together
-- A new TV show that I can fall in love with and watch all the seasons back to back!

The Life Altering List
----------------
-- A publisher to give me a huge amount of money to compile and edit my blog into a book
-- The freedom from identifying myself as the thoughts I have or the circumstances of my life
-- A Baby
-- A nanny who can then sweep in and take care of the baby so I don't have to lose any sleep or change my life too drastically (on second thought, scratch the baby thing)
-- Life to align so that I can start studying to be a Practitioner of SOM
-- To sell our house for $780,000
-- A best girlfriend in Moose Jaw that I can hang out with lots and lots

The Never Going To Happen List
-------------------------
-- ankles