Choosing Contentment

A few years back, during some of the hardest years of my mid-twenties, I came back home to Saskatchewan to visit an old friend and her husband. They were living in Weyburn on an acreage and raising their two boys. I was living in Toronto and living the typical actor in Toronto life, full of drama and uncertainty. Upon arriving at their home, I saw the husband playing catch with one of his sons and she was helping their youngest climb up things. They were the picture of a happy family.

Once inside, the happy family picture did not change. The boys were adorable and well behaved and charming as all heck. The husband, who at one point thought he might become a chef, went into the kitchen and started whipping up a fantastic meal while my friend and I caught up. It was obvious through the laughter and connection that she and her husband were still happily in love and that, of course, reflected in their children. During supper, in the middle of eating, I stopped and really took a look around. It put me in awe, especially at a time in my life when true happiness was an elusive commodity. Being someone who says everything out loud, I put down my fork and told them all how lucky they were and how thrilled and envious I was at their palpable happiness.

My friend, never one to back down from an opportunity to state her opinion gave me a wry smile and said "Yes, Krista. It's called contentment. You should try it."

That conversation stuck with me for years. I went back to Toronto and stayed unhappy for only a year more before taking my infamous hiatus from theatre and moving away from Toronto. Contentment was so foreign to me that it was embarrassing. That is when I moved to Vancouver, started to attend CSL and ultimately began Finding Me. It was said that I was trying to find my life purpose which immediately makes all of us, including myself, think of career path. Or at least something that one DOES that they are passionate about. But after a year or so, when I lost Jordan, I realized that my real life's purpose, my real search, was for contentment. That elusive feeling that says "I am completely at peace and in joy with whatever I am experiencing right now".

So, have I found it? Hmmm, hard question. I am finding more moments of it, for sure. The last year and a half has brought me more contented spaces than the thirty years previous. The hard part for me is to learn how to reach for the stars (synonymous with wanting more) and still feel contentment with right now. If dreaming and longing brings dissatisfaction with what I have going currently, then does that make dreaming and longing a dangerous game to play? Or have I just not mastered the Art Of Dreaming - an art form, when learned, that brings you even more Joy and not a one way ticket towards Bluesville.

Can I be content with forever being a Dreamer?

Ommmm And CUT

I meditated today. Finally. After over a year. It ebbs and flows for me, meditation. Like going to a gym. I will get spurts of motivation and it will feed on itself, but when something brings it to a halt, I will take a loooong pause. Since I met Leon in March of 2007, I haven't meditated. Well, maybe twice in organized settings, but not really. Not on my own. Since watching the New Earth classes with Eckhart, I have felt deeply that I needed to get back to it. There is silence in my life here in Moose Jaw. Lots of it. Actually, I am quite lonely, but that is a whole other blog. The thing with silence, the thing with anything unfolding in the Now Moment, is that if I embrace it, great things will occur. If I resist it, I suffer. If I am going to be surrounded by isolation and silence, I may as well go deeper and find the goodies that lie there. So, this morning I meditated. And you know what?

It rocked.

It rocked and I floated - in a grounded way - through my day. It felt like rolling around the frying pan of life greased up with butter.

The floating feeling stopped when I went to my first TV audition in years. I had been called in to read for the role of Parent #1 on Corner Gas. I went at 5pm like I was supposed to and went into the room. Long story short, I was awful. Awful. Look, I know what I am good at and I am the first person to say "oh, I can do that with both arms and legs tied behind my back". I also know what I am not good at. This doesn't mean that I couldn't get good at it, but as it stands, right now I am not a talented TV/Film actress. Every time I said my lines I was told to make it smaller. To move less. To make the lines less important (LESS IMPORTANT???? DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE???!!!!!). By the time I gave the casting director the take she wanted I felt like I was imitating a manequin with about as much personality as our fake, storefront friends. It felt awful. I was awful. Before I left the room, I did the thing that no one should ever do. I turned to her and said "I shouldn't be here." She laughed at me, obviously thinking that I was cracking a joke of some sort. "Oh, no. Don't worry about it," she said, "our directors love theatre actors because you are all so good. You just have to get used to be much smaller."

Yeah, more like get used to being in a coma, I thought, before I smiled and fled home.

How in a day I went from feeling so much bigger than myself to depressed because I had no ability to be smaller, I will never know. Conclusions:

a) I don't want to be a TV or Film Actor. Chalk it up to the 347th thing I know that I DON'T want to do.
b) I like meditating because when I am meditating I don't have to worry about 'being' anything at all.

Especially a manequin in a coma.

Michelle and Paul R Us

I just saw a movie that made me think of Leon and I ... and I thought to myself ... I should tell the world this and so next time anyone wonders what it is like between us behind closed doors I shall tell them to go and watch I Could Never Be Your Woman.

Not that I am an older woman and he a younger man. But the wacky craziness to their passion is pretty spot on. The constant laughter, romance and god-will-they-ever-grow-up-ness is spot on. Consider it a small ticket into the backstage of my relationship.

I'm going to try to write more often. Maybe even every day. Even if it is just a little bit. Because I need the discipline.

Perhaps I will even start writing in complete sentences.

Hard to say.

I Hate Porn

The truth is, I didn't always. In fact, for quite a long time I was perfectly okay with it. But perhaps that was because it never infiltrated my actual daily life much. Or because I never gave it much thought. But I have slowly educated myself about the subject a bit more, from certain points of view, I concur, and have come to see that porn gives this world nothing of value. And why would I want to take part in something that adds nothing of value to this already value-lacking world? Why would I want my husband to bring it into his world - subsequently bringing it into our relationship and probably our home. Well, i don't want that.

Not that I am ignorant. I know that nine out of ten males are viewing porn consistently. And not many of the female partners of those men are accepting of it. Accepting or not, men are doing it. The question just becomes are they going to do it as a secret, shameful act or are they going to do it out in the open regardless of how it makes their partners feel? Why force my husband into doing something behind my back? Something that seems relatively harmless? Secrets can only harm a marriage. But then again, why should I compromise a boundary about not wanting to have porn in my life? Is it true to say that by my husband choosing to have it in his life, he is polluting my environment? Like second hand smoke? Like a litterer throwing their garbage into a beautiful pond? Or can I decide to not have it in my life while not being affected by whatever choice he needs to make for himself?

It's a toughy.

I see both sides of the coin. I can draw a boundary and he can choose to respect it or not. But my boundaries need to be about me. Enforcing boundaries on another never works. It goes right back to the smoking issue, for instance. One can never say - you must stop smoking - to another person. It will only have the opposite affect. But one can say, I will not choose a partner who smokes. It might seem like a manipulative, scheming route to the same outcome, but I assure you it is not. We can all make choices. If I choose to not have a partner that smokes, the man can choose to smoke and thus not be my partner, or not smoke and be my partner. Just because he might desire one outcome more than the other doesn't take away his choice in the matter.

Is porn a big enough deal that I am ready to say that I choose to not have a partner that looks at porn? I don't think so. Not yet, anyway. But it could get there. All I know is that when porn has been in a room, it leaves an energetic after taste that makes my stomache hurt. The vibrational frequency of porn is so low that I can physically feel it having a negative effect on the energy of my home. That doesn't seem right to me. That is ... that's ...

well, it's something to think about, at the very least.

Before I Go To Bed With Mr. Tolle

Tonight, before I watch a back episode of A New Earth webinar, I am going to do a gratitude list. Since my little negative burp last week, I have cranky residue stuck in my throat. Thanksgiving is a good way to clear out that frog.

So, here it is. Things I am grateful for as of May 1st, 2008:

1. How great my new floors look.
2. The wonderful progress of my Mortlach workshops.
3. Getting to sleep in these days.
4. Low interest Visa Cheques.
5. Government grants for virtually everything.
6. My Macbook
7. Leon's willingness to be 'financial provider' for a month or two.
8. Mother's constant loving attention to our house.
9. The booming Saskatchewan real estate market.
10. All the wonderful healthy eating advice that people have been submitting!
11. An offer already on the table for a Christmas show and another audition tomorrow
12. Always having hot water on demand
13. The snow is gone now. For good.
14. The health and safety of all my loved ones.
15. My tan
16. HGTV
17. The A New Earth webinars on Oprah.com
18. A sexy sex life
19. The paycheque that I will be getting very soon
20. A marriage that is so kick-ass that I pity everyone that isn't us

Now, I must hurry. I don't want to keep Mr. Tolle waiting. A threesome with a black female billionaire and an enlightened guru awaits me...

Who wouldn't be grateful?