Big, Puffy and Chubby

I gotta start eating better.

But oh god how many times have I said that and what has ever come of it? More potato chips and burgers with fries. I think about drinking more water, but water tastes so boring and it makes my stomach all sloshy and so I don't. I know I should eat vegetables, but don't even get me started on how UNEXCITED I am by vegetables. Oh, I have the most wonderful of intentions. But I hate cooking, hate grocery shopping and have married a man that is more than happy to eat at a restaurant every single day.

Still, one of my favorite teachers, Wayne Dyer, has said that even if you are not yet able to follow through, keep making intentions. Because one day you will follow through. And I know that somewhere, someday I am going to get more annoyed with the quality of life that eating crap food brings me than I am by learning how to cook. So, I have put up a new Konkin Question. This time I am asking my readers to share their healthy eating tips. A great example of a tip that I have never forgotten was during an Oprah episode when she talked about not eating a bite of food after 7pm (or three to four hours before you go to sleep). And an old college friend swore to me that just by adding Greens to her diet (a supplement in powder form that you can add to liquid and drink) most all of her small, but persistent, health complaints disappeared.

So, whaddya have to say? What little, baby step could a lazy, but sincere, blonde healthyfoodaphobic take to change her ways?

Click here and preach to the unconverted...

Accidental Environmentalist

I meant to post this on Earth Day a few days back, but was busy having a small melt down. Now that I am back in a normal space I just wanna say something...

The best way to influence eco-friendly behavior is to keep people poor. Ok, maybe not scrounging for food poor, but Canadian actor poor. Why? Because you don't have money to throw at everything. Because you reuse everything wether or not it is trendy and buy second hand stuff because shopping at Pottery Barn isn't an option. Do you know how many times during the renovations on this house we have fixed something instead of throwing it out and buying something new? Countless. I have remolded scrap pieces of wood into miraculous thing-a-ma-bobbers all with non-power tools from the 1940s. I have taken carpet from upstairs and put it downstairs and will be painting soon with mis-tinted paints. When you struggle for expendable income suddenly an off-ish-mustard-mixed-with-peach-yellow is your favorite color.

So then how do I keep my home from looking like a hodge-podge decorating disaster. Well, that is another thing that a person must develop when they make $13,000 a year. An eye for design. Creativity. Ways of spending virtually nothing and still having a home that makes a head bob up and down appreciatively. It ain't easy, but at least it is saving my planet.

My mom (and many of my family members) are the same way. Save, reuse, save, reuse. They don't need to recycle because they never throw anything out. Having been raised on a farm with eleven brothers and sisters and only the garden to feed them, they learned how not to be a disposable generation... and how to use old tires as feeding troughs for the pigs. I have watched this unfolding in the my life for the last few months while the Green Trend becomes chubby with popularity and I have come to coin a term. Accidental Environmentalist. They are the people that are forced to be kind to Mother Earth due to their wallets if not due to their guilt-ridden souls.

Happy Belated Earth Day my fellow readers. For those of you who also can not afford to spend $47/meter for specialty fabrics made of hemp weed and plastic water bottles, do something simple. Fix something in the coming days that you could otherwise throw out. Or decide to use an empty Fruitopia bottle to store your one inch screws.

And remember you can always shop for those silver linings at Value Village...

Sorry

Sorry I haven't written. I have run into a bit of a wall. It is a big wall. Made of money. Or the lack thereof.

Sorry I can't find a way out of my glum, scared mood. To see in my bank account numbers that reflect where I was when I was in Toronto back in 2001 and 2002 drop kicks my heart. Suddenly, I hate theatre again and I hate this house and I hate Moose Jaw. And under all of those superficial things, yeah, I hate me. Hate me for winding up in the exact same place time and time again.

Sorry that I ever took that Real Estate course because every time I hit a wall, the course taunts me. It beckons me back, luring me in with promises of money and security and all the things that my life just doesn't seem to consistently produce.

Sorry that I wrote such a know-it-all blog giving advice. Not really feeling like I am someone who should be giving advice. Obviously, I still have a lot to figure out.

Sorry to say, but I didn't marry for money. As broke as I may be, my husband is no better. I didn't marry him for his income earning potential and never care until I hit these walls and then I resent him for not being able to take care of me.

Sorry to go all 1954 there. My feminist takes a nap when I get scared.

Sorry that I got fired from my program and that I don't know where to find a second job now that I can fit into my River Street schedule. Sorry to want so much more from my life.

Sorry for thinking that laminate flooring would be easy to install.

Sorry, but I still don't know what I want to do. Or maybe I am just sorry that the things I do want to do don't pay well. Or maybe I am just sorry that I can not figure HOW to make the things I want to do pay the kind of money I need to EAT.

Sorry to be 31 and still lost.

Sorry that I haven't written, but I wanted to get on top of my funk before I wrote. I used to use this blog as a place to go and write about my heart aches. Sorry to have forgotten how to do that...although I am not sorry that it is because there hasn't been much heart ache to share.

Sorry for being so sorry.

Renovations and Marriages

It is said that renovations are very hard on marriages. Even my cousin called me the other day wondering if perhaps she was being needlessly mean to her brand new relationship by putting it through massive renovations in their new house. Later that same afternoon, I went to a BBQ with my SEP gang and when we brought up the fact that we were doing renovations, every couple got this kind, soft look of understanding in their eyes.

Of course, I didn't think it would affect my relationship. Not until I started to lay laminate floor. And laying laminate floor in a house built in 1920 where the concept of 'flush' or a 'straight line' does not exist. We started in the office on Saturday night (you find as a couple with a new house that your idea of fun, Saturday night plans is to work on your house). I estimated that it wouldn't hardly take us an hour to lay the laminate in our tiny 10x10 office. All shiny and happy we set off to change our flooring forever.

It should have set me off when we immediately didn't understand the directions printed on the box. They were vague and open to interpretation...which means that both of us saw things differently. Start in the left corner, it told us. Left relative to what, I wanted to know. It was obvious to Leon and not obvious to me. So started the conflict. The next argument erupted a few minutes later when we didn't know what to do with an in-the-way phone cord. Cut it, I told my husband. Cutting it is a bad idea, replied he. Hmmmmm, Argue, rinse, repeat. By midnight we had laid about five strips of laminate and were exhausted. In the end, it took us seven hours to lay the office. Like giving birth, though, the minute we were finished all memories of anger and pain washed away and we ecstatically embraced at the joy over our new floor. Curt barbs and sarcasm was replaced with kisses and hugs and an eager plan to start in on the living room the very next day. Voluntary amnesia.

Luckily, we are verbal and we use words to jab through our frustrations, never leaving any awful residue. And our floors do look great. But yes, my conclusion is that renovations are not for the weak of spirit. Or the easily offended. Or a couple already on the verge of wanting to punch each other.

You are all invited to come and see our floors. Just head on the #1 and drive until all you see is sky. By the time you get here, perhaps we will have started on the landscaping...

Dear Abby...er...I mean...KJ

Recently, someone I know emailed me for advice. The email read:

The reason I am writing you is I want to know how you came about accepting things as gifts, not really stressing out over the negatives and seeing the positives, and keeping a really positive attitude? I am going through a really stressful time right now with work and I need to find different ways of coping besides exercising my ass off, and most importantly not second guessing myself as well. If you have any insight, books you have read, or past experiences you can share with me, it would be greatly appreciated.

I started to respond and my email became epic. Here was my answer:

Hmmmmm. Well, let me see. When things are 'working' in my life, it is because I am in the flow. Now, everyone's flow is different and their paths into flow are unique, but you have asked me about my individual thoughts on this so I will tell you:

First, my definition of Flow. It is when I have 'let go' of trying. I still define what I want my life to look like and take steps towards opening those doors, but past that I 'let go' of any need around the goal. I get in the habit of saying Yes to everything, even the stuff that stinks. Soon, the stinky stuff occurs less and less and the kick ass stuff becomes the norm. Flow is always full of ease, joy and grace. 

Ok, so what do I do when I have fallen out of the flow and desire to be back in it? Good question:

I take a look at ways that I haven't had Krista Time. Then I take Krista Time. Krista Time is time alone when I do the things that I alone like to do. For me, Krista time looks like a trip to Ikea, a mexican dinner, a hot bath, the boxset of my choice, something crunchy to snack on and my duvet all puffy around me. 

I get creative. When a person is creative, the rest of the world falls away and they connect back with That Which Is Greater Than Their Little World. I write. Or I play piano. Or I scrapbook. Or work on my website or decorate a room or put together an entire outfit in a store without even buying it. 

I watch the new Eckhart Tolle/Oprah online class based on his new book A New Earth. It reminds me that I am not my thoughts. I am not even my emotions. I am the observer of those thoughts and emotions. My Ego's job is to convince me that I am my thoughts and the stories I tell about Who I Am. It fights to keep me thinking of the past or the future. It also reminds me of my pain body and how hungry it is for food, which is negative drama. It inspires me to starve my pain body. It inspires me to stay in the Now.

I get quiet. In the quiet in all makes sense and I feel safe. 

I make sure my boat is always pointing downstream. As the teacher Abraham-Hicks teaches...assess a situation and figure out if your choices are pointing your boat/Life upstream (fighting the current and producing struggle and conflict) or downstream (with the current and producing ease and freedom). For example, with this being 'fired' thing from my SEP program...I considered fighting it and arguing against the unjust decision that had been made. Then I asked myself, is fighting this reality going to point my boat upstream or downstream? It was clear that It was going to point it upstream. So I chose to leave the situation As Is. It didn't matter to me who was 'right' or who was 'wrong'. It only mattered that I made the choice that was going to bring me the most ease and mental freedom. 

I write gratitude lists. A powerful tool because somehow we are conditioned to see the 10% of what isn't working, instead of the 90% that is. Write a list that starts with I Am Thankful For...and write until your fingers want to fall off. It is really ridiculous how blessed we are when we take the time to look at it...

What else?

The book by my bedside currently:
Wayne Dyer's Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

The last book that made me wipe away tears of happiness:
One Red Paperclip by Kyle MacDonald

Another possibly obvious tip for getting back into the flow:
Have some great sex (even if it is with yourself!)

Favorite Female Life Teacher:
Pema Chodron

To break the habit of binge whining try this out:
http://www.acomplaintfreeworld.org/

If you like making lists try a couple of these lists out:
The Top 18 Reasons I Rock
Anything and Everything I Would Like to Change Or Improve In My Life

What I do when I need to laugh and laugh and laugh:
Watch Margaret Cho or Dane Cook (try youtube for lotsa free samplers)

Nary Enough People Use The Word Nary

I am not sure if it has any greater meaning or not, but I think it might be telling that my newest Konkin Question has sat for about three weeks on my website, answered by nary a soul. It is a question that asks the impossible...for the answer-er to talk about the happiest, most successful married couple they can conjure up out of the vaults of their memory. Or TV Guide. But no. That isn't an easy question (or a very interesting one, granted). There aren't a lot of us out there. Happy - giddily happy - married couples. Is it because marriage is not meant to be a fun, playgroundy zone or because we have such an agreed upon consciousness now about how awful marriage is that breaking free of this societal trance is like breaking free of a Two Bite Brownie?

Well, stubborn as always, I shall keep the question there until I have at least one answer. One small measly answer.

Some fun tidbits happening in life: it seems one workshop leads to another workshop leads to another workshop. Woohoo! This morning I taught an improv workshop disguised as a Team Development Workshop for an organization funded by our health region. It was so much fun and such a success and - most of all - it was on the path toward what I most enjoy doing which is facilitating workshops with adults in topics that lean as much toward Positive Living Philosophy as they do Theatre Arts. And Leon and I work very well as a team. But I guess I don't need to reiterate that point again.

My sweetie got the lead in the workshop of a brand new Daniel MacDonald musical happening in May. We are a bit freaked out about our summer show because as of a few days ago, they weren't finding the kind of talent that they had hoped would balance out the rest of the cast. Which worries Leon and makes me feel anxious since I know he isn't sure he made the right decision choosing River Street over Buddy at Persephone which he was also offered. I am choosing to have faith that this show will be something we will be proud of and that, most of all, it is going to be FUN. Fun and close to our house which is undergoing an amazing amount of upkeep and renovation. Plus, it pays us well and keeps us together. In my mind, that is a no brainer YES!

Mortlach is talking about applying for an Artist in Residence grant to keep me in Mortlach for 2009. Considering the fact that we wanted to sell our little house in the fall of 2008 and make some money, moving to an even smaller town in Saskatchewan would be a bizarre next step, but one that I am pretty dedicated to taking, should that door open. Interestingly, L and I have already talked about when would be a good time to start trying to have a baby (I know, seems like we do everything at lightening speed, but when you're in the flow, you flow!). I have always thought that I should have my one baby at 33 since that is when my mother had me. Really, this is a ridiculous reason to choose 33, but once I brought it up with Leon and he got over the initial shock, he agreed that if we at least started trying at 33, that would not be an unreasonable age. This all said, if I was to get the AIR grant in Mortlach, I would turn 33 in a tiny Saskatchewan town of 200 people. Not really the place I imagined having a baby. I want to have my baby in BC. I want it to be surrounded by green and trees and mountains and ocean and a happy, warm mom.

But gee, I am getting way ahead of myself. Thinking into the future. Right now, I am sitting in my TV Room, typing on my MacBook and getting materials ready for the Globe generals in May. It was a mix of cold/rainy and warm/sunny today, but tomorrow is only gonna be sun. Mom and I scraped paint outside and I am expecting a call any minute from a client to do some scheduling for the next four weeks. Oh, and my uterus is killing me. The IUD really does give me cramps.

All the more reason to take it out. *wink, wink*

Diet Joy

There is a lightness to my feelings these days. A softness to my sadness and a chiffon giddiness to my joy. Leon calls it Diet Joy because it doesn't have all the calories. Which isn't to say that this Joy doesn't have the same profound content. It is just that with all of its profound-ness, this kind of joy flies free and floats. There are less attachments and so much more peace.

Eckhart talks about painbodies. There have been days when mine has felt too heavy to go on. Those days seem far away. Right now, I feel I am consciously neglecting to feed my painbody and it is starving for attention. The case of 'too much happiness' when we find ourselves looking for ways to destroy what is so good. Yet, by practicing being present and aware and awake, I see my Ego for its manipulation and I refuse to play. I hear my painbody whimper for food and I hide the can of tuna. This doesn't mean I don't feel the pain. I feel it still. But right now I am able to feel it from afar...watch it...allow it...and then wave to it as it quickly evaporates. This peace is the reason for my ability to say that 2008 has been the happiest most life changing year of my life. This peace - not the house or the husband or the wedding or the company or the money or the honeymoon. Those things have been outcomes of the real reason - this peace.

Bubbly diet seven up. Mineral springs gurgling in the yellow sun.

Clouds made of nothing but puff and magic and yet strong enough to hold up dreams.

Riu Mambo Happiness

So. My honeymoon. How to sum it up? Bliss Bookended By Boo. Let me explain.

The flights there and back were both long and cramped and the food was awful. Although, on the way down we were bumped up to first class due to us being honeymooners! That was a lovely surprise. Still, by the time we got to the resort, the whole plane full of tourists were cranky and tired and thinking 'this had better be worth it!'

It was worth it. Our resort was a stunning, top quality place. It was picturesque and the staff was so friendly and our room was one of the best at the resort. We were stunned a little by the quality of the resort and realized that, once again, we had manifested something superb. The two weeks began and day by day we just got happier and happier and more relaxed and happier. There isn't much to type, not really. Our days were filled with sleeping in, eating at buffets that were opulent, choosing beach or pool, swimming, tanning (oh, our tans are sooooo dark!!), napping, making love, talking walks, snorkeling, reading books, talking until the wee hours about Life and Love. We did a couple of excursions - one was to an isolated sand bar in the middle of the ocean where we snorkeled at a coral reef and one was into Puerto Plata itself. We had profound moments of discussing the economy, the government, etc. etc. when we were exposed to the way the locals lived. But instead of making this about pity, I will tell you the one thing I took away...the people we saw who were so much poorer than us by way of material things were leaps and bounds happier with Life. THAT was worth a whole lotta pondering, let me tell you...

On the day we came home, we were ready. Our needs for total relaxation and wicked heat and removal from our Moose Jaw reality was filled to the brim. The flight home was silly bad. But getting home was a rediscovery of how happy I am to be smack dab in the middle of my own Life.

I did have a surprise waiting for me that shook me. It seemed that I was not supposed to go on the honeymoon according to the head honchos of my SEP program. I hadn't looked into it much, just assuming that there wouldn't be a problem with someone going on a honeymoon. Obviously, I was mistaken and waiting for me in my mailbox was a letter of termination. Shocking and strange but it was what it was. Part of me ( I assume my Ego) thought 'That isn't fair! I can't get fired from this program! I didn't know! I've worked so hard! I need the money!' and ordered me to start panicking and fighting the decison. The other part of me just knew that it would cause me more stress to fight it than to accept it and suggested I see it as a gift. Subsequently, more work offers have flooded in and time has opened up. It is for the best.

Last night I taught a very successful Improv Workshop with Leon. Mortlach has embraced us with open arms and now other small towns are catching on. Today I am busy running about 387 errands which, in Moose Jaw, should take me about an hour and a half. I am glad to be home. The real estate market here booms, our equity grows, work keeps rolling in and there about one hundred ideas of things I want to create. Oh, and the snow has melted.

Married life is so much better than I ever thought it might be...

Dazed, Confused and Finally Home

Living in a bit of a surreal world right now after two weeks in bliss and many hours cramped into several modes of transportation... not to mention the mail (e and otherwise) that I am drowning in...so forgive when all I can say tonight is this:

I am home.

More...much more...later.