Record Lows

You explain to me how a person is supposed to be self-motivated when it is -50 with a wind chill.

I mean...MINUS FIFTY??????? How have I come to choosing to live here? My pattern with this cold is to not get out of bed where I have a mattress heater and my trusty laptop. Screw the outside world, I think. My car probably won't start and I can't imagine how many layers I would have to put on to keep from getting frostbite. This weather is plain old stupid. Debilitating. Paralyzing.

But staying in bed all day causes me to feel very much like a lazy, bad person. With so many bills to pay and contracts to nail down and groceries to get and weddings to plan, I need to get up and get dressed. If I end up hiding from the world when it is sub-arctic temperatures then I might not create anything valuable in my life until May or June. Ahhhh, Saskatchewan.

As for being engaged...it is lovely. Lovely to be able to call him my finance and lovely to see how much stronger we feel with this public announcement of our commitment. He just made me ichy ban soup and brought it to me in bed. "I'm sorry I am being such a baby about the cold," I moaned to him. He just handed me my soup and then climbed into bed with me. "No matter what you do, I am your biggest fan. Now, show me some of the options you are coming up with for our wedding!" Leon. What a gem. A true rare emerald of a man. Lucky girl is me.

Anyway -- tomorrow is supposed to be infinitely warmer and we are going to get lots done in Regina and then attend a show opening. So, I suppose if I hide for one more day that won't be too big of a deal. Perhaps tonight I will create a new Konkin Question and start getting some suggestions on names for my little business. That would make me feel like I did SOMETHING today. Egad. When it is so cold that schools shut down because it is DANGEROUS for children to go outside to get to school, you know that it's time to move back to BC.

Or bump up your elopement to Jamaica by about 7 months.

Engaged

Leon asked me to marry him today. And I said yes. And now, I am engaged.

CHRIST ON A MOUNTAIN!!!!!!!!!

Shock. That is the only word that I can use to describe this feeling. Joy, too. Joy and shock. We are both floating in a bit of a surreal bubble.

He called me this afternoon and told me to meet him at Wakamow. Wakamow is this beautiful park in a river valley here in Moose Jaw. It was one of the first places I ever took him when we arrived here. So, in my ugly Sunday-lay-around-the-house-pants, I popped on my big, huge parka and pulled on a toque. How was I supposed to know??? I drove down to the park and my mom was waiting for me at the side of the parking lot. She had a rose in her hand.

Follow me, she said, this is for you. So I followed her and she brought me to a snowy path littered with rose petals. Follow it, she urged me, he's waiting for you. Then I knew. I knew that on this random Sunday winter afternoon, Leon Benjamin was going to propose. My stomach fell to my feet and I followed the path. Roses stuck up out of the snow to mark the way and petals popped against the stark white ground. It was beautiful. Around the corner and into the woods I found him standing under a woodland gazebo holding more flowers. He had stuck roses in amidst the brambles and vines of the gazebo and he looked so nervous that he appeared to be about nine years old. IT WAS SOOOOOOO SCARY. I can not tell you. For a girl that has never wanted to get married, this moment was like a different plane of existence. When I got to him, he looked straight into my eyes and said "Krista Konkin, you are the only woman I want to wake up beside forever" and then he took a big pause. I was sure I was going to throw up and he looked awfully nauseous as well. Then he got down on one knee, opened up the ring box and asked me to marry him. I said yes. I called him a nut. I kissed his entire face and then we started to laugh. Mom popped up from the bushes and started to snap pictures. It was perfect. My ring is custom designed to fit my promise ring and we hope to get married in September. What can I say? I am engaged.

I have raged agaisnt being married all my life because it has always seemed to ordinary and like a very unsuccessful venture. But I hadn't ever met Leon. There is nothing that seems more right than being with him forever. Engaged and married and weddings...all that stuff is just stuff. Labels that DO make a person nervous and committed, but they have never been what motivates me. Leon motivates me. My love for him...the fact I haven't stopped laughing since we met, the fact that we are crazy kooks together, the fact that I am so attracted to him physically. All of it. I would jump out a plane without a parachute and trust that faith would help me to fly if it meant I could be given the chance to spend my lifetime with him.

YAY!!!! God. Yay and god and all other expletives. I am engaged. I will post pictures and movies...soon. On the blog or on my site or on facebook...somewhere. Tonight I am going to let the shock wear off.

January 27th is suddenly my favorite day.

Magnolias

I go to bed dreaming about Roth IRAs and wake up thinking about the measurements I need to take for the new TV stand. It seems I have been accepted into SEP - even though Miss WB ain't too happy about it - and have been stressed about how I needed to rock the boat with the supervisor in order to get anything accomplished. Tonight I am having my first sewing lesson (imagine ME SEWING!!). On top of it all, L is acting more and more excited about a secret package that is arriving today which has spurred on a much more in depth answering of the question 'do we have a wedding in BC or do we elope?'

Sometimes I don't recognize my life anymore. This might sound like a complaint, but it isn't really. From Pender Island to Chemainus I went inside of a cocoon to heal, to figure out how everything had gone so wrong, to Find Me again. Now, I am emerging and taking flight with a new house and starting a new business and planning a wedding and sustaining a marriage and creating an investment portfolio and dipping my toes into a dozen new projects. It is good. It is scary as well. It is a bit isolating. I wish I had other cultural creative entrepreneurs to talk to ... other women who are trying to develop a new model of what a marriage looks like and are determined to have a wedding for no more than $5000.

Not that I should over dramatize my life too much. Really, even though a lot is happening, I lead a pretty laid back life. Right now, I am lying in bed with my mattress heater under me, keeping me warm. Leon shifts and sleeps despite my clicking keys...our pattern is that he falls asleep before me and wakes up after me. Our day won't need to really start until late morning - the best part of being your own boss is making your own hours. We run errands, pay bills, contact potential job opportunities and even find time in the middle of the day to make love. I do much of my most productive work at night - no surprise there - and L (on his busy days) goes to his Joe Job where he is learning to bartend in a local MJ establishment. Spring and summer will bring more contracts and maybe some separation, but for now, it is an average of -28 most days and we stay in the house, nesting. The other night we had Leanne over and we (by we I mean Leon) cooked dinner and we all chatted the night away. Last night, after a stressful day of meetings with the Miss WB nailing down the SEP, L and I dreamed away on the internet about the fabulous places on our lovely planet that we could exchange vows.

Truth is, as busy or changing as my life gets, I don't have a baby. And so, I admit, I don't REALLY know what busy is;-)

Babies will come soon enough, but for now, I try to keep up with all the rest. Slowly and gently. With ease, joy and grace.

Now, if anyone can tell me more about Canadians and Roth IRAs, call me.

-42 With The Wind Chill

Sunday nights have always made me a little sad. Strange for that to be true since I haven't really spent much time as a Mon-Fri 9-5er. In fact, as a theatre professional Sunday night is ones Friday night, since Mondays are dark. I guess it started as a student, knowing that the week of accomplishing was going to start again and that the weekend filled with the freedom to 'do' less was being left behind.

Tomorrow I must again DO. When your unemployed, you work harder than when you have a job. It is true! Any time I spend doing something other than job hunting or researching or fretting is time that I immediately feel I am wasting. God knows I am meaning to implement that Taoist skill of observing life falling into place, but when mortgage deadlines stare you in the face it is hard to just WAIT and TRUST. This upcoming week should be very telling and some of the waiting, one way or the other, will end. Yet I can't help but cling to tonight and somewhat dread waking up tomorrow morning with more uncertainty to face ... with more unknowns to practice having faith in.

I will let you in on another little secret of my neurosis. When I feel frustrated or blocked in my current career area, my desire to have a baby sky rockets. Then I become resentful of my partner because he is not ready to have a baby and is in no position to be a sole bread earner for an entire family. But OH to have the option to just stop all the searching or the working at jobs I don't really like and just get pregnant and be taken care of!! My friends and family laugh at me when I admit this because they know me and assure me right away that I would be MISERABLE not having my own income and not creating my own projects and not being out in the world, involved and traveling and moving and shaking. Truth is, I might even be miserable with the actual raising-of-a-child part as well, once the little guy had made its way out of my uterus. It is true. My whole life I have resisted the thought of becoming a mother and its freedom ending responsibilities. Now I am fantasizing about using Motherhood as a way of escaping responsibility all together.

Sometimes I think that I am a very messed up and confused human being.

Then I watch a home video of myself from 2002 and I see how far I have come. Sure, some things haven't changed much, but some things have. I could see my inability to be vulnerable back then...my need to seem completely in control and keep my guard up at every turn. So, maybe gently feeling messed up and confused and sharing it with other messed up and confused people means that I have, at the very least, opened up my heart a tiny bit. Allowed myself to not have all the answers.

And I suppose that THAT is a bigger accomplishment than any job will ever bring.

Wet Blankets

Julia Cameron talks about Believing Mirrors and Wet Blankets. Or I think that is what she calls them? For the sake of this blog post, that is what I will call them. Let me explain...

Believing Mirrors are those people that reflect back to you all the best that you are and can be. They hear a project idea that you have and they are immediately interested and involved. They help you see your potential and all the possibilities. They believe in you.

Then there are Wet Blankets and they do quite the opposite. They are the people that, once you have spent time with them, have you walking away feeling discouraged and ridiculous. They help you see how impossible your ideas are, remind you of the challenges that will be presented to you and, often, spend alot of time staring at your forehead while you talk with this blank, bitter look in their eyes.

I think I have met a Wet Blanket.

This program that I have spoken of...the one that will ultimately support me starting my own company if I am accepted...has been full of Believing Mirrors. Generally, the people of Moose Jaw are so incredibly friendly that it you understand why they deemed the place "The Friendly City". But in my journey of meeting after meeting with the leaders of this program, I have stumbled upon a Wet Blanket. She doesn't like me, I can tell. The minute she saw me, she was skeptical and when she heard I wanted to start a company that was -- *ahem* -- ARTS BASED, her eyes went to a whole new level of blank and bitter.

Here is the rub. I have just found out that SHE - not a board of people or her superiors - but SHE, Miss Wet Blanket herself, has the power to accept me or reject me. Due to this fact, she is calling me in for another meeting to 'negotiate' -- as she put it. On the phone, she sounded angry that she even has to still be dealing with me. To her dismay, every other person that I have had to answer to has been won over by me and my business idea. So, she can't 100% dismiss me, but I am a afraid that she is going to do her best or die trying.

What I don't know what to do is how to handle my feelings and experience of this woman? Believe in myself, absolutely. Keep sending her as much love as I know how and have faith that she'll come around. I have even gone as far as to say out loud to the universe that I will do what I can, but if this program doesn't present itself before me, then I will walk away peacefully confident that it didn't happen because something much more suitable is waiting. I guess that is about all I can do - and go to the meeting extremely prepared. Yet, it is hard not to hate her. Not to already have a backup plan if she rejects me of going to her superiors and letting them know that for a worker that is a very people-oriented job, Miss Wet Blanket is overwhelmingly under qualified. It is hard not to get on a band wagon and start to preach about how if this city is ever going to keep its young, go getting entrepreneurs, it will not serve itself by rejecting any initiatives those individuals may have that represents outside-of-the-box thinking.

Perhaps I am afraid for no real reason. Perhaps she just wants to meet with me again to congratulate me and discuss how much money I will be receiving. Perhaps she will be smiling and happy and helpful and supportive. You never know...stranger things have happened.

Until then, I will just have to keep carving out Plan A, B and C.

And maybe even a D.

Once Is Never Enough

It is already getting enough of its own buzz, but I must say, It was a shocking surprise to me.

Like normal, Leon and I decided to rent movies and to be fair, we chose one movie of 'his' and one movie of 'mine'. I choose a little unknown movie called Once. Thought very little of it...assumed it would be a standard love story between two musicians. What we got was so much more. Both L and I were mesmerized by this little gem of a film. The music - which pretty much makes up 60% or more of the plot - is that passionate, angsty singer-songwriter music that I have always loved. Lovely thing was that it was coming from such a male, soulful place that L was completely sold as well. We have now found the soundtrack and are playing it constantly. What a find. Which reminds me...I need to update my Finds list.

Today I will hand in my application for the Self Employment Program and will hopefully know in a few days if I have been accepted. It is -32 with the wind chill today, but super bright and sunny. After last night's white out blizzard, it is a day of gentle repose. The house is very chilly to hang out in, especially if one wants to just sit and the computer and type. Yet, we adore our little cold cottage like it was our child. Praying with eyes wide shut that we get the grant for a new furnace. Pretty sure that will make the experience in this house completely different. Until then, we wear slipper shoes 100% of the time, several layers, drink hot drinks and, when all other hope is lost, retreat to heated mattresses with fluffy duvets. My cousin Leanne was right when she said "thank god you two are in love. then in becomes romantic. otherwise, you would be wishing that you had a furnace so that you could get farther away from the jerk". Hahahahaha. I keep wondering if the day will come when I will get sick of being around my jerk all the time, but as for now, I am happily intertwined under duvets and over all.

Once again, I admit how blessed I am. Blessed to be happy with all that I have and all that I have faith is coming to me. Blessed to be conscious enough to know it while it is happening to me.

Once again, I emerge from all that isn't working to see just how much is...and always is...working. Even if it is cold.

With a scarf and toque there ain't nothing we can't do.

Waiting on What Will Be

Temper tantrum over, I turn to the new book I am reading for some guidance. Wayne Dyer's new book - Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life which is his interpretation of the 81 verses of the Tao Te Ching. So far, the biggest theme that is running through the first ten is: stop doing. Practice not doing. Choose to observe instead of act, sometimes. Trust that it is all unfolding and just let things BE instead of constantly TRYING.

Scary advice, really, for a controller like myself. It feels like I need to put a lot of effort into finding, getting, creating work for myself. Or if I go through a day with my partner where I don't feel particularly connected, I need to make more effort to connect. It is instinct (or habit) for me to DO something.

The fear is that by being passive and letting an awkward situation be an awkward situation or a disconnected day be a disconnected day or an unemployed week be an unemployed week, that I will not evoke change. Or that I won't have done my active part to help bring it about. Obviously, If I would like a job, I can't just sit in my bedroom, hidden from the world and expect that a job will fall into my lap. Or can I? No...I assume that there needs to be some sort of balance. Making some moves...sitting back and letting the rest fall into place. It is a strange balance and I am not sure really who out there manages to find it. I haven't...not yet at least. Still, since I have made a lot of effort in the last week, perhaps for the next week I can just sit back and the let the dominos cascade down.

On this note, I leave you with a beautiful take on the 9th verse of the Tao:

To keep on filling
is not as good as stopping.
Overfilled, the cupped hands drip,
better to stop pouring.

Sharpen a blade too much
and its edge will soon be lost.
Fill your house with jade and gold
and it brings insecurity.
Puff yourself with honor and pride
and no one can save you from a fall.

Retire when the work is done;
this is the way of heaven.

We Got Our Utility Bills Today

I am not sure how we can owe over $300 for two utility bills for a month that we didn't even live in this house, but as of this morning I have finally become discouraged. It is cold here and with money going out and not coming in, projects in the house have hit a 3/4 completed phase and sit undone. I need filing cabinets, art for my walls, feet that aren't constantly blocks of ice and a job. A good job. A great job. A way of making money that won't leave me resenting this ice cube of a house.

There is a possibility that I will be accepted into an entrepreneurial program where I will get paid to set up my own business. I figure if I can take all the things that I am currently dipping my toes into and stick them under an umbrella production company then why not? I am already running my own business of sorts - a sole proprietorship - so why not make it more official? Now, I need to convince the government people of this. If it worked out, that would be perfect. I could stop stressing about money and focus on building contracts for my 'company'. It seems like there are several different projects that people want us to be part of...but they all start later or are so far up in the air. Potential is wonderful, but it don't pay the bills. Especially six billion dollar bills like we are obviously going to be getting. Potential must be made manifest.

It is at times like these that I just want to be someone different, living a different life. Renting, being my own person, I don't know. Maybe just cloaked into a protective shroud of under-achievement. It is at times like these that I imagine how much better it would be to hit total rock bottom - and at least be really committed to the stench of it all - than to be plagued by this self-pitying, mediocre, middle class ache.

The tune will change tomorrow, no doubt, after a good sleep and a hot, hot bath. But right now, I wanna go home. I want my big, moldy, toasty apartment in Vancouver. The first week of excitement has faded away and I am left wondering if I will ever be warm again? And, if so, who I will I sell my body to in order to pay my SaskEnergy bill?

2008

The year begins and I trip over coming-true-dreams that seem to wrap themselves around my ankles. Moments of panic and fear choke me and I think of ways to destroy the contentment. Like the quote that says "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." Seems sometimes all the happiness is too much. So, how do I deal with my anxiety when I am rearranging dining room furniture?

Remembering I am safe and that this flow will not hurt me. Remembering a year and a half ago when I would stand in front of empty coat hooks and come undone. Remembering the sweet boys that I plowed over in my past, because I could not escape fast enough. Remembering that I have never tried to escape anything but my own demons.

The demons are these: living in a sweet little house in Moose Jaw and becoming nothing important. Marrying a man who will neglect me, use me and eventually leave me for a younger piece of ass. Dying without having made my mark. Spending all my resources and energy on building up my partner's career and not my own. Letting myself love someone much too much and thus leaving myself vulnerable to the most excruciating pain that I would ever know. Demons. Entities that only exist in my over-active monkey mind.

Another tactic is to smother them with Joy. Joys of laughing so hard while you and he try to fix the rickety old steps in the basement that you can hardly breath in the sawdust. Joys of making love finally in every and any room of the house without worrying about your volume. Joys of sitting beside each other in your new living/dining room area while you blog and he works on his stamp collection. Simple joys. Powerful joys. Necessary joys. Making all the fear worth it.

So, I am off, into a year of unknowns. On my list of to do's are the following: get my summer body back. buy 2 extension cords with 3 prong plugs. find affordable filing cabinets. marry my boyfriend. run my own business. spend time at the cottage. get the laundry re-plumbed into the cold room. make some new friends. get a co-op number. hang beautiful art in my home. make great money. create projects that can employ my buddies and entice them to come be with me in Saskatchewan. get through the winter without freezing to death. allow the dreams to come true. appreciate my wonderful partner. stay true to myself...no matter where I live, who I live with or what I end up doing.

2008. In 2007 I secured myself a new base and now I must start to build up. Nothing scary up there...just more a view.

I am ready to see for miles.