Grumbly McGoo

Ahhhh, Christmas. Another one come and gone and I am wishing I could wiggle my nose and just skip over the next part.

I am done with sleeping in other people's houses, on odd bed situations and with rooting around in several bags looking for simple things. I am done with taking everyone around me into consideration when I want to take a bath or walk naked from the fridge to the couch. I am done with have to have hush hush sexual relations with my lovely partner and with guilt trips from relatives. I am done with driving through crap weather all over the country side and with feeling like all my pants are too tight. I am done with my out flow of money exceeding my in flow. I am done with being in limbo.

I am ready for my new life.

Thank God for Leon and my great ability at saving. Thank God for having this apartment all to myself for the next few days. Thank God there isn't anything forcing me to drive through crap weather if I don't want to. Thank God for gym memberships and good friends and the fact that I have such a great sex life that I don't want it to be hush hush. Thank God for the interviews I have set up in January already and for my mother's help with taking care of our abandoned house. Thank God for my MacBook, for the damage deposit that I am owed and for Leon. Oh wait, I think I already said that.

Signing off grumpy but grateful,

Miss Grumbly McGoo

An Update Before Christmas

Everyday I intend to blog and then, I dunno, life just sweeps me up and carries me off. Or other silly things happen like internet signals get frozen inside of locked apartments. But, like the addict I am, I have found an internet cafe and have snuggled into a fake leather couch with my chamomile tea and my MacBook. Me and this computer have a love affair that puts The Notebook to shame.

So, what have I been up to since I have neglected my blog? Well, the movers have taken all my stuff away and left me to live on my one mattress in the bedroom. It is very crack addict chic. I have shopped way too much for someone that has no job and a brand new mortgage, but 'tis the season. I had a job taken away from me. Not to get into it too much, but a contract was offered to Leon and I and then a few days later retracted. They had offered me a very large amount of money to do very little and then had second thoughts about the logic of their decision. All in all I am kinda happy that it happened since I wasn't looking forward to uprooting again. Something tells me we have some very cool things waiting for us in Saskatchewan.

I have cramped a little from the IUD, like right now for instance, but it hasn't been too bad. I have consoled a friend who has just broken up with her boyfriend of five years and I have eaten more food than my ass knows what to do with. New Years resolution is gonna have something to do with eating less and exercising more. How original of me. Ummmmmm, what else? Oh, I saw Sweeny Todd and, though terribly impressed with the talent involved in the film, I hated it. The gore level is so extreme that I am now having nightmares like an eight year old child. I also saw a musical that Leon should have been in, but was not given. It was cute. Not as cute as Leon, but then again, what is?

I have sat in traffic and walked in rain. I watched a documentary about zoophillia. Ya, you should google it. There has been gift creation, apartment cleaning and time spent with in-laws. I will tell you what there hasn't been -- sex. Doctor told me that I should refrain from sex for THREE WEEKS and let the IUD take its time to settle in. Like it is a house guest that is sensitive to the sounds of love making. Ug. Ug. Ug. I like sex. Sex, at least the kind I have been having lately, makes it easier to get through the stress of a normal day. Sex lightens my mental and physical worlds. Sex is good and I ain't havin' it. Ah, well. Silver lining is that it frees up time to do other things. Like get an oil change.

Speaking of oil changes, I should go. Hopefully I will blog before Christmas, but if not, Merry Christmas. You all rock. Don't let the family get you down and by al means partake in eggnog. Eggnog and tangerines are the best part of the holiday.

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

'Twas The Night Before The Movers

Well, I think I have successfully used up about 14 rolls of packing tape and slid in more dust bunnies than a hoover. It is all ready and tomorrow morning the movers come.

And talking about coming, I am sitting here in my packed up apartment listening to my neighbors have sex. I hate listening to other people having sex. I am not one of those people who think it is hot or would get turned at on being a voyeur. There is something about the primal grunts of a fervently fucking couple or the low rumbling of voices talking dirty - all muffled by a few poorly put together walls - that turns my stomach.

Yet, it is kinda perfect. The last big transition in this apartment - the night HTSNBN left - I was left alone in my bedroom shocked and broken and listening to my neighbors having sex. It was salt, I was the wound and it shall not ever be forgotten. So bookend my experience with a few 'who's your daddy?'s and I suppose it holds its own romance.

Have I told you all that the person that is taking over my apartment is none other than TOHWTRMW? For those of you who have read my blog for a long time, you will remember my schizophrenic panic and jealousy in the summer of '06 over the new girlfriend of HTSNBN. (They became He That Shall Not Be Named and she became The One He Wants To Replace Me With). Finding out about her was one of the worst days of my life, second only to the night HTSNBN first left. Being that I am a big drama queen, she became the focus of many of my blogs and much of my free time. I hated her and I was fascinated by her. I even wrote this about her in one of my blogs:

"She is all the things that he loved about me; fiesty, smart, pretty, spiritually connected. She is all the things that I am not that make them such a good match; she is a hippy (without really quite wanting to admit it), she is into yoga (she is a certified teacher), she is a vegetarian (a life filled with quinoa and avocado), she is a techie (works for a company who is dedicated to using the web for social activism), she is an environmentalist (has a blog on a site called 30 Days of Sustainability), she has a meditation cushion beside her bed (told you I researched her), she lives in a community house (hippy speak for a bunch of messy people shoved into a a much too small space so that they can share everything and pretend they don't all want to kill each other), she is a self proclaimed Geek (PU-LEEEEZE, no one who actually thinks she is a geek posts 75+ photographs of herself on her Flickr site), she is into Photography (see last bracket), she is currently breaking up with someone who is not taking it well (get me his email address, we should talk), she hopes to one day live on an Island in BC and be a Certifiably Organic Country Gal (he has always dreamed of living on the Island), she is attractive to him (something I could never seem to sustain in his eyes) and when she has free time she likes to go hiking and spend it with the trees (of course she does)."

Then one day she emailed me and essentially said 'you've been blogging about me and I should be mad, but I am not really, instead I kinda admire you for showing your pain so honestly'. It was flabbergasting. The way she wrote the email, what and how she said what she said, made me an instant fan - much to my disgust. She was the bigger person, the better person and the person who had won HTSNBN's heart. I gave in and decided to let her win my heart, too, and since that day we have stayed cyber friends.

When she read that I was moving out of my apartment she asked if she could take it over and so now she is. Alanis Morrisette would have to agree that when the girl that you used to hate because she is the one your ex-boyfriend started dating really soon after he broke your heart moves into the very same apartment that you and that ex boyfriend shared life has become totally ironic. And this kicks rain-on-your-wedding-day's ass.

Hee hee. My life is fun. Fun and weird and wild and kooky and falling into place so perfectly it has me grinning 24/7. But I should sleep. The movers will appear in less than ten hours and, once they are done, #206 will be that much closer to being my past. And my life will be mine again.

At least until after Christmas.

My Happiness Is Wall

Time to take down the Happiness Is wall. My living guest book, I liked to call it. To always remember it, I thought I would record all that was said on the wall of fame...keeping the donors anonymous...

Happiness Is...

...purring kittens, a loving husband, shopping, friends in Vancouver and shoes!
...hot, hot sex
...hanging out on the side of a cliff
...about a gazillion things, Ikea, kettle cooked chips, diet coke, whimsical romantic lovely movies, but mostly and most wonderfully Krista J
...being surrounded by close friends who watch out for you and being healthy
...outlet shopping and hot, hot sex
...seeing a loved one after a long absence (only 2 months to go). Oh, and Jesus!
...being loved by those you love
...following your dreams
...the sweet smell of cedar in the air, mountains in the distance and Islands to explore
...sleeping naked and sleeping in all at once
...throwing pillows at Krista
...the scent of fresh bread, the sound of hard rain and the taste of your lover's lips
...kicked back and relaxing at the ocean
...walking the sea wall and not being able to pee
...the first real day of spring, when you wake up and all of a sudden everything is green and blossoming and it's sunny and warm and the air smells like LIFE. Mmmmmmmmmm...
...consuming Silk, ice-cold almonds and playing Boggle, with someone you met in the stars
...peanut butter and chocolate. Together.
...a night like that not turning out to be a one night stand!!
...seeing the sunshine in Vancouver and the sunshine of my daughter's smile
...anyone and anything at all that is loved by you
...listening to "Everlasting" by Micheal McDonald and loving the groove and the background vocals and his voice(!) and at the end pressing repeat because I want to hear it again RIGHT NOW!
...sunshine on my face
...hanging out with yourself and truly having a great time!
...my baby baby baby!
...closer than you think
...so so
...lying naked on a beach in hawaii as dolphins swim by
...sitting on a lawn chair sippin' beer and watching clouds
...it NOT being tomorrow yet
...babies
...a vagina
...mom's homemade cookies
...walking into Brooklyn Clothing Co. with $1000 in your back pocket
...a brand new jar of pickles
...Fringe
...Havvaginaa
...having your harmony disrupted...only to find an even sweeter melody underneath
...chewing an entire roll of bubble tape all at once with the one you love
...having no bugs to bite ya while you sleep next to a loved one
...white spot cheeseburgers, a kitten on your chest purring and knowing you path and being on it
...letting go and learning to trust again
...my baby baby baby
...chocolate and diet coke, not getting up at 5am for work, finally having a real home in Vancouver
...sperm
...mountains, oceans and skyscrapers AKA Vancouver
...having a Happiness Is wall

Thanks to everyone who contributed their thoughts. Forever and for always...

Mi casa, Su casa.

Bob With The Bob, Weave With The Weave

"Chaos should be regarded as very good news."

The house is ours. The drama is done. Our names are on the title and now, the rest of the adventure can begin.

Of course when it rains, it pours. L and I have suddenly been offered Chemainus again. Both of us. He would have a great role and I would have a horrible role, but great money. We could be together and sock away lots of cash in which to fix up our house and pay off our mortgage. It seems to be the decision to make.

Yet I am so tired of living on the road. Of uprooting myself. I have had to breathe through my panic about moving to Moose Jaw and just as I come to a place of peace about that, it seems four months from now, I could be back in BC for the summer. My heart is truly torn and I sigh at how different my life is looking in 2008 than I thought it would look.

Questions eat away at my brain...what will I do then for money in Moose Jaw until April? Should we even take the Chemainus contract or should we pursue very possible gigs that wait for us in Saskatchewan? How are we possibly going to be able to fix the 46 things that need fixing in our house? Is my IUD placement going to go smoothly tomorrow? Will I have enough time this weekend to pack and choreograph the VanDivas and visit my friends and rest the way a person should after they have just had surgery? Is there anybody trustworthy enough to rent our adorable house to for four months over the summer? Where and how should we get married?

Because I do think that there is going to be a wedding in 2008. I know my boyfriend well enough to sense that his proposal plans are looming and god knows I don't want to drag out the wedding plans very long. Simple and beautiful and fairly easy is how I want it. Nestled at night, warm, trees, water, little white lights, lantern and candle light, our favorite people, yummy food, the moon, music played by our talented friends and, of course, a kick ass honeymoon somewhere that is so hot that it melts my skin off.

Full, my life. Weddings, new houses, building equity and balancing contracts, baby/no baby plans...MAN, my 30s really have been more eventful than my 20s. I didn't think it was possible. Sometimes it feels like it is falling together and sometimes - because it is so different from what I expected - more like falling into chaos.

I suppose I will cling to a paragraph that I read last night in the new book I am reading by Pema Chodron...

"Life is a good teacher and a good friend. Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it. Nothing ever sums itself up in the way that we like to dream about. The off-centre, in between state is an ideal situation, a situation in which we don't get caught and we can open our hearts and minds beyond limit. It's a very tender, nonaggressive, open-ended state of affairs. "

It'll Huff and It'll Puff

I can't believe I am about to say this, but we may not get this house.

It isn't our fault or because of our negligence in any way shape or form. It just so happens that the sellers are in the midst of human drama. The couple that owned the house are now seperated, but not divorced and to the husband's surprise, the wife's name was never taken off title. He thought it was and so did his lawyer. But somehow, it wasn't and it hasn't.

Now, this could be alleviated easily by the wife woman signing a piece of paper and releasing her name from the title. But the woman won't. For two weeks this woman has kept saying she will do it and then doesn't. We are over a week late in closing the house and the woman doesn't want to sign this paper. I assume she may want to make her ex's life a living hell, but, in turn, she is making our house buying experience a nightmare.

We have asked our lawyer what the next step will be if she won't sign the docs and he has told us that the husband will have to sue his wife for damages - damages because if this next step is going to have to be taken then we are compelled to pull the deal. Obviously, our mortgage and our lives can not be put on hold and even though we want this house we can't get so emotionally involved that we make poor business decisions. Most importantly, we need to make this decision in the next few days because we don't want to have our movers come and move all of our stuff BEFORE we realize that the deal is bust. Which means, today we call our lawyer and give the sellers 24 hours to produce this signed document. If they don't, we pull and then sue to recoup all of our losses.

Suing people is not something I look forward to doing. Leon is sad sad sad that this is even happening. But you never know, we might call today and it might all have figured itself out. I will keep you posted. Unbelievable. Really. Not that I would regret anything, because I have learned so much that I feel like a very different person.

I should also try to enjoy my time on the Sunshine Coast, which is from where I am typing this post.

Hard to try and ignore that your very first house might be ripped out from under you...

Selling My Stuff

I know most of my readers are scattered all over the place, but for what it is worth I thought I should post the pics and details of some of the stuff that I am going to sell. All of it is fun and funky and, of course, going for a song...

First there is my Sketcher Roller Skates, Ladies Size 7. I bought them with Aidan in Florida and have worn them twice. A very cool gift idea for that person who has everything...$20...













My couch has been a god send. It is over stuffed and retro chic. Thing is, it is 8 feet long and the person who buys it is gonna need a way to get it home. I truly want this baby to go to a good home...$20!



















For anyone looking to brighten up their bathroom, here is the solution. My mother hates this wacky animal shower curtain, but it sure does brighten up a dark, dingy bathroom. I have included a big red bath sheet, two hand towels, my red bath mat and those great Ikea knobs. All for only $30!

This next item is the only one that I think is already sold. But just in case the guy doesn't come to pick it up, I will show you. My foyer desk, shallow and sturdy, perfect for an area that could use a desk, but not one that is very deep. I stained over top of the original paint job, giving it a very interesting look, but I do think that it would paint up beautifully. I will throw in my frame and stool if desired. I am asking $20 for the desk...

The only other thing I have to sell at the end of the month is my queen mattress (already rid myself of the box spring). If I can't sell that, I will do my best to get it to recycling. Again, this becomes quite difficult when you don't have a big truck. Then again, maybe someone will want it. It is still in great condition and firm for those that don't like their beds too soft. Sorry picture.

Ah, me, the selling machine. Tonight I am going to go lindying for the first time in months. Wish me luck. I was also potentially offered a very interesting contract...one that has me conflicted on many levels. Will let you in on more details once I know what I am going to do about it.

I will post more stuff, if more stuff surfaces. I am sure it will. If for some reason I am able to mail something to you and you are willing to pay for the shipping costs, then don't hesitate to ask me to do so. Our moving company is charging us based on weight, so REDUCE REDUCE REDUCE is my new mantra.

That and " Tis The Season To Re-Gift "

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

I Am Home

I am home.

I am home.

This is where my heart is...mixed in with all the muck of the past. In the corner sit the ghosts, unrelenting. At the table, my steely determination three years ago to begin again alone. My ideas and my tears live here. It is my home and, love it or hate it, it is what makes sense.

Yet, I begin to pack. I refuse to regret because such potential lies ahead. Without L here tonight, I am reminded that I want to be where he is going to be. I am reminded that as long as we are together, it won't really matter where I am. Truth and yet I pack with a knowing that I am cheating. I am cheating because I am already planning for the day when I will get to return.

I shall live on an island in this province and I shall run my own company that makes me an excellent income. I will be my own boss with the ocean in my front yard, a forest in my backyard and the smell of wet bark year around. This is where I am going to end up, soon.

But the past is just a story and the future, my imagination. Both powerful, but non-existent. Tonight I will crawl into my very own bed for my last month of days and cover myself up with a gloop made of ideas and tears that has been painted on these walls. The smell of insecticide will remind me that I survived and the empty half of the bed will remind me that, not only did I survive, but I came out on top.

The rest is just boxes and packing tape.

The Plan For December

So, here is my plan for December.

We are getting the keys tomorrow. For the savvy readers, you will be thinking 'but I thought you were supposed to have gotten the keys yesterday?' This is true. We were supposed have gotten the keys to our house yesterday, but there are delays - annoying delays - on the behalf of the sellers and our keys won't get to us until tomorrow. We personally think that it is VERY ironic that everyone in this Real Estate deal was worried about us (being flaky actor types, I guess. Grrrrrrrr) getting our mortgage docs in on time. In the end, it is the NON-ACTOR types that are screwing up their time management and organizational awareness. HA, I say to the world. HA!!

Tomorrow, the keys and much little errands around the house. We shoveled the walk yesterday (my legs are still numb) and now we need to calk the cracks and seal the windows and regulate the heat and move the couple of bags of stuff we do have into the house. Tuesday we leave for Vancouver, stopping first in Calgary and then in Kamloops to see Beauty and the Beast. Home on Thursday and dedicated until Sunday to sorting out the lives that we have left waiting for us. I doubt my packing will take long since most closets and drawers are empty from the subletting. Possibly I will show some prospective renters my place in those couple of days and attempt to get #206 into the hands of a deserving soul. Sunday we go to Leon's father's house on the Sunshine Coast. I have never met Dad. Makes me nervous, but I think Leon is pretty insistent that his father meet me before there is a proposal. He is so old fashioned is so many ways.

Tuesday morning we ferry to the main Island for the prep for my IUD surgery. I am doing it in Duncan since it was there that I discovered my gentle and lovely gynocologist Dr.Beaudet. Tuesday night and Wednesday morning we are going to Victoria to stay with friends and Thursday I will have the IUD placed (Goodbye Condoms;-). Scariest part is that I am going under General Anesthetic, so there will be needles. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mom has armed me with some Emla to use previous to going to the hospital and I am just hoping to all hope that Leon can come into the room with me. ANYWAY, Thursday night I will return to Vancouver successfully neutered.

I then have three full days to make sure I am ready for the movers who come on the 17th. In that time I may try to have a party and am choreographing a Dreamgirls-type troupe of ladies in what will be my very empty living room. God forbid I have two seconds of doing nothing. After the movers take everything on the 17th, life will get slightly less stressful. Leon and I will hang for a few more days in my empty apartment and prep for Christmas Day. We will spend the actual holidays with L's family and take off back for Moose Jaw on the 27th or 28th. When we get to our new home, it will be filled with our stuff and much of my family will be in town which will make for a needed balance of moving in and family visits.

Eventually, this roller coaster will stop. Unemployed and finally left alone by family, it will be just us and the house. This is the day that keeps me going. This is the goal that gives me energy to get to that place.

This, good sex and lots of chocolate.