The Drive, The Smell, The Sweet Release

I am back at #206.

I woke up this morning and found Calgary ravaged by snow. I pressed my forehead against the cold, living room window and whispered 'shit' under my breath. Within minutes it was decided that my best bet was to head home today in case the blizzard conditions just got worse by tomorrow, and I packed my bags, said a hurried Happy Birthday to my brother, hugged my neices and started to drive home.

If I told you that is was trecherous driving conditions for what stretched into a 14 hour car drive, I wouldn't be exaggerating. Mountains, blizzards, ice, snow, steep hills and a multitude of cars and trucks in the ditch. I have never focused so hard in my life. When I paid my toll, the toll booth lady asked "far to go?". "Um, yeah," I replied, in a daze, "Vancouver." "Oh, my, " she replied, "where from?" "Calgary." I stated, simply, my brain hurting. "ALL BY YOURSELF?!" she shuddered in horror, "ARE YOU CRAZY?" She actual called me crazy. All I could say was 'Yup" and keep on driving.

But I got here. And I am alive. And I never want to do that again for as long as I live. Although, knowing me, I probably will.

Now, there is the being here. Home. This apartment. This fucking apartment that holds so much of my history that my senses go into overload when I walk in. I love it here and I hate it here. The first thing that hit me was the smell. It smelled like my breakup. Like despair. Like bug killing chemical. Like my neighbour's fish. Like every single night I spent this summer, lying on my bed terrified and alone and sick to my stomache with grief wanting to return to Pender. It doesn't help that other people have been living here and so there is a foreign energy in the place. My pictures are down, my clothes in suitcases, everything so clean it is sterile. I love this apartment and am very attached to it, but this isn't the first time I have wondered out loud if It is really the healthiest thing for me to continue to live here. Perhaps this is why the universe keeps opening up job opportunities out of the city - to get me out of #206. Ah, that is sad. I am sure much of what I am feeling is due to my numb state from driving. I will sleep in my own bed tonight and then see how I feel tomorrow.

The next two weeks are going to be HUGE for me. Solidification of all things teetering ending in a flight to Europe. I will keep you posted. Right now, I think I need to just get into a hot bath and cry. Release all this pent up driving anxiety, ease the howling ghosts and the nervous anticipation. Yes, that is a good idea. Like they sang on one of my favorite childhood albums Free To Be, You and Me -

It's alright to cry. Crying gets the sad out of us.

Welcome Home KJ.

KJ's New Glasses and Other Santa-ish Treats

Due to the fact that I was given a new MacBook a month ago and am flying off for a life changing trip to Europe next month, I wasn't expecting anything of consequence Christmas morning. But then again I should have figured, my mother being my mother, that I would be wrong. Case in point, my brand new glasses. Since having laser eye surgery done in 1999, I have noticed a very very slight decrease in my eyesight, especially when watching theatre or movies or looking for addresses in the dark while driving. I knew I was going to need glasses again soon. In November I went for an eye appointment and was surprised to hear that I didn't really NEED glasses, but if I wanted to get a slight edge on long distance, detailed stuff, I could afford to have a pair of glasses for special circumstances. That was a good enough to reason to shop for a new pair of frames, although, not being a necessity, I assumed the glasses would be an item I purchased down the line. So, you can imagine my delight when I unwrapped a very generic looking box to find my favorite frames waiting for me! I was blind, but now I see! I think they look truly snazzy, and it is a bonus that I will only have to wear them sometimes, when I choose to wear them. It is going to make the West End show I see, plus all those countless museums and art galleries a little more enjoyable. Can you imagine standing at the back of a crowd of people, in front of the Mona Lisa and not being to see her famous little smirk?

Other wonderful surprises wrapped in glittery paper included Elizabeth Arden Green Tea perfume, a red and blue vest and a hot pink rain shell, a money belt and a $175 in Euros, a European travel guide and a year's subscription to SkypeOut Unlimited Calling, lotions, underwear, moisturizers, lip glosses, socks, candles and all those ultra feminine things. More than enough. I am blessed. And to top it all off, I get to go home to my wonderful apartment for almost two weeks (how divine!) and spend time with a man who is knocking my socks off. Then Europe. What a life! And the universal law has abided my vibrational intention and is going to give me perfect driving weather. Oh, speaking of intentions...visit my new Konkin Question and submit Out Loud that which you intend to appear in glorious 2007...

And when I get a bit of time to sit on my MacBook and create I will get my Christmas 2006 photo gallery up for all to see. Below is one of my favorite photos of Sean, mom and me taken with Photo Booth the most enjoyable software ever to be included in the purchase of a computer. Yes, I am exhausted by my nieces, but I am truly delighted to find myself this happy, this content, at the end of a rollercoaster year. Next year, I choose consistent contentment...no more rollercoasters...just a steady hum of bliss.

'Twas The Night Before Christmas

My niece Alex is the kind of kid that gets so much more delight out of the bow on the present than she does from the present itself. This is the gift she gives me...a chance to remember that what is most lovely is the simple and usually inexpensive gems hidden inside our every day.

I am feeling ... hmmmm...good. Hopeful. Expectant. A little afraid. Pretty content. It is Christmas Eve and I have gifts still to wrap, dinner tables to set, nieces to bathe and put to bed. This morning I retreated to the Calgary Centre For Positive Living and sat in for a long meditation. It was exactly what I needed. I invite you all to steal away some time to just sit in silence during the next few days, when things get too much. It is good to just sit and forget about it all. This morning for an hour I didn't care if I got the job, liked the boy, had thin enough thighs, was worth his love, could afford the trip, packed the right clothes, paid the shaw bill, impressed my family, said the right thing, purchased enough presents, was a fool for believing in htsnbn, knew my lines, should apologize for what I am or for those things I will never be. It was a needed hour. That is what I hope for you all, the eve before The Big Day.

Last night my Jax journey took one more step to becoming even more real. It is disconcerting how I can meet someone brand new, but feel like I have known him forever. Another benefit of the the meditation, it helped me calm the storm of voices that fight in my head in regards to falling for this amazing stranger. One voice says 'stop, stop, stop. you've gotten good at being alone. look what trusting brought you last time." The other voice says 'ohmygod, marry him tomorrow and have babies!!!!'. Then there is this other voice - no, not a voice as much as a feeling - and it shushes both voices. This feeling grounds me and I know that no folly ever really came from connecting with love to another human being, only in forgetting to love oneself. So, I wrap my new feelings for this sweet stranger around me like a blanket and breathe.

Will leave you with this beautiful translation of Our Father directly from the Aramaic into English (rather than from Aramaic to Greek To Latin to old English to modern English). A metaphysical prayer that can include us all, whatever we believe or don't believe.

O cosmic birther of all radiance and vibration.
Soften the ground of our being
and carve out a space within us
where your Presence can abide.

Fill us with your creativity so that
we may be empowered to bear
the fruit of your mission.
Let each of our actions bear fruit
in accordance with our desire.

Endow us with the wisdom to produce and share
What each being needs to grow and flourish.
Untie the tangled threads of destiny that bind us,
As we release others from the entanglement of past mistakes.

Do not let us be seduced by that which would divert us
from our true purpose,
But illuminate the opportunities of the present moment.

For love is the ground and the fruitful vision,
The birth, power and fulfillment,
as all is gathered and made whole once again.

Bits and Bobs

Sprinkles of what's been going on in my adventurous life:

Leanne went and got terribly sick on Monday. Terribly, terribly sick. So, I sucked up my nurse genetics (thanks, mom!) and took care of her as best I could. At the same time I went through all my clothes (and holy god do I have a lot of clothes!) and decided what to take to Europe. It was not easy. Then I did the same with Leanne's clothes while she slipped in and out of consciousness. I don't care if I never see another piece of clothing for awhile. Which isn't my way of saying that I am walking around in the nude, but that packing ain't fun, especially when you must fit 9 weeks of stuff into a backpack.

What else? I hung out with Leanne's new boy-focus. He is new new as of last week and he and I bonded easily as he is a website designer. He is also very young. Then, on 2 hours of sleep I drove to Moose Jaw and have been running around like a nuthead for the last 48 hours. Cut my hair. It grows like a weed so I had to hack it off quite a bit as I won't see the inside of a hair salon until at least April. Packed (yup, there it is again) my car so full of presents and luggage and perogies that we may get pulled over by the cops tomorrow when we head to Calgary. Have talked to and missed and dreamed about and smiled from ear to ear because of Jax (give me another couple of weeks and I will be ready to tell you all about him, for real. Once it has become more real for me...). I have booked a fabulous room on Pender Island for New Year's Eve to stay in after I am done singing with TWT and am currently learning and rehearsing my audition stuff for Chemainus. Life is full. Full and fluffy and tasting a lot like cotton candy.

Next time I write I will have little girls crawling all over me. The weather has taken a spring-like turn here in the prairies and the time is, as usual, flying by...

So, this is what happiness feels like. Part of me wants to look straight at Jordan and scream - SO THERE. Guess there will still be more healing to do on in that regard for 2007. LOL.

Happy and safe travels to all and any of you that will be sitting in planes or driving in cars or tobogganing down hills in the next four days. Enjoy it. In a blink of an eye it will all be over. Don't let the stress get you down. Or sick. Declare your own happiness. Choose butter tarts and Joy. Nap. Wrap gifts creatively. Burst into song when the cashier says Merry Christmas. Proclaim that kindness is your religion and make love if you have someone to make love to...

If not, then do like me and purchase a MacBook.

:-)

Children Do Christmas Best

Most of my life I have not wanted to have children. In fact, children annoyed me. Then, sometime in the last year, my womb started to wake up and my perceptions began to change. I started noticing babies and their fat little arms (CHEW!) and, for the first time, fantasized about having the kind of partnership that involved a child. Last year, I even found myself walking into Babies R Us for no aparant reason. It was shocking. I sat down amongst an aisle of humidifiers and wondered what had come over me.

Christmas time makes my womb come alive even more. Can you blame me when I am sent these two videos in the same day?!


First, my niece Emma sining in her new school choir. Her head is the one right above the teacher's...



This is Jonas, the son of a friend of Leanne's, singing Rudolph...adorable...


I mean, COME ON. Even someone like me is going to won over totally and completely by that. Geeeeez. Christmas is for children ad for inner-children. And in this moment, I can't wait to have a baby.

Give me a few days next week with Alex and Emma jacked up on Christmas candy sugar and I am sure I will eat my words.

Vlog #3 - Goodbye Regina

First off, I apologize for half of this video being sideways...I would tell you I was drunk when I filmed it, but not being a drinker, I doubt you will believe me. Secondly, I am not sure why suddenly my exported .mov files are such bad quality upon compression. Will have to find someone to help me alleviate that for future Vlogs. For now, bear with the pixelation and enjoy being a small part of tonight's closing night party.



Can't see the vlog?? You will need Quicktime to view this...if you need to download it for free, please click here for Windows users and click here for Mac users.

Scrooge McDuck

*humph*

I am in a terrible mood. Grumpy, sulky, irritable. I woke up this way and have no idea why. And just like negativity does, it has built upon itself all day. Outside it is, of course, blizzarding. I had to get up early for a brunch after only a few hours of sleep. My freaking shoulder is killing me (pulled a rotator cuff that doesn't want to get better as long as I insist on dancing with it). Our audience tonight was jammed pack and everyone was stressed out and, due to my mood, I had no patience for any of it. I kept having these evil, mean thoughts about everything and everyone that I came across. Thank god I am a somewhat enlightened, detached, conscious individual and I was able to breathe my way through my blackness -- because I am pretty sure that if I was anybody else I might have said quite a few things tonight that I would have regretted.

Ah, me.

One more show. Tomorrow night we close and then I declare here and now: I WILL NEVER BE A WAITRESS AGAIN. Ever. Not in any circumstance or situation. I will shovel manure before I will scrape food off of plates or find effecient ways of balancing 14 cheesecakes while smiling. Yup. I am ready to be done, to sleep somewhere other than a floor and to get on with some other pretty exciting stuff in my life. Like Jax. Oh, right. I wasn't going to talk about him.

Funny, when you have met someone new, it is so scary to show them your less attractive emotions. You spend so much time in the beginning being charming and clever and kind and patient and positive and sweet that when the other parts of you start to emerge - the exhaustion, frustration, jealousy, negativity, whiny crap - you wonder if you will still be loved. But that is the most exciting part of all. When they love you for ALL OF YOU, the light and dark, and you can rest assured that love isn't about entertaining, but about healing. Then you know you got a keeper. I adore being shiney and happy, but I am too intense a human to not have my dark dark moments.

This is one of those moments.

If I was a little kid, I would give me a 'time out' so I think that is what I will do. Take a shower, go to bed. End this day from hell. Tomorrow night I have a lot of goodbyes to say and the beginning to yet another transition. I can deal tomorrow with the fact that I think I drove into a snowbank when I parked outside the condo tonight that I am not going to be able to drive out of tomorrow. Freaking snow. Freaking Saskatchewan. Freaking Everything.

Ouch, my shoulder.

Baaaahhhh humbug.

Giving Men A Good Name

I spent yesterday afternoon watching my castmate and new friend, Ryan Anderson, being a daddy. Unlikely stay-at-home dad, Ryan and Bryn (age 2) make a stellar team. Since Ryan is a theatre guy, he stays with his amazingly cute daughter during the day while his wife works her 9-5 day job. Then she comes home and he goes to work, making hundreds of people a night pee their pants. I am sure his life is far from perfect, but it seemed pretty great to me. Thing that stuck out was how good he was at the dad thing. At one point, as he was talking to me, he laid her down, changed her diaper and had her back up standing in a matter of nano seconds. It was miraculous. Even with a uterus, I am not sure I could do it half as well. Maybe I will just have to find a Ryan-type who will get as much pleasure as Ry does from the diaper-changing-feeding-napping-bathing-reading-picture-books craziness. Good to know it exists!

Ryan makes me laugh, too, when he says that women find him so much more attractive now that he is 'off the market'. I think it is just that women are picking up on his paternal energy. It is freaking sexy.

Then I went to the theatre and Jimmy, bar manager and soon-to-be fiance of castmast Anglea (aka Wink), runs up to me all excited. "Ya want to see something?" he asks me. "Sure," I venture and watch him as he pulls out a ring box from his pocket. He has designed a ring for Wink (she already knows about it so don't worry I am not ruining the surprise by blogging about it!) and intends on asking her sometime soon. The point is how happy it is making him. He is in love and he knows what he wants and he is as, or more, excited at the prospect of being this woman's husband and she is about being his wife. I love it! Men that like being hands-on fathers and are desirous of marriage...it is calming and assuring to me.

I will miss Ryan and Jimmy and a few others quite a bit when it all ends in 3 days. It has been a good run here - perhaps not for its artistic merit, but definitely for the kind souls that I have had a chance to play with - if even for awhile...

Just another reason that 2006 has ended up being a pretty great year.

Thanks guys.

Indigo

How do I not tell you what it is that my heart is bursting to tell you?

I have shed more tears this year than I knew existed in my body. I finally allowed myself to love someone completely and in the next breath they were gone. My past nonchalance inspired men to want to marry me, but my devotion to this boy had made him run in the opposite direction. The night the door rattled shut behind him I was certain a part of my heart had died forever.

I have spent the last year hanging onto him, convinced that if I let go I would never be able to believe in love again. My dreams, my anger, my advances and my regressions have all been because of him or in spite of him. There was no way I could allow myself to believe that he truly didn't want to be with me forever, because to believe that meant, somehow, I was worthless. There have been days I felt deeply that I would never recover. Not fully. That I would be forever crippled from this blow and the wound would essentially make it impossible for any future man to love me. There have been very dark days and more tears than I knew existed in my body.

So, I have cocooned. I have written and meditated and watched movies and waited for relief. I have dedicated my time and permitted myself the space I needed to heal and mourn and mend. I cautioned myself against jumping into a random relationship for a quick fix to my loneliness and, instead, allowed myself to sit in pools of pain and observe how strong I really am. I have built my world back up and made new friends and found solace once again in a spotlight hitting my face. I have prayed silent prayers asking the Universe to keep He That Was Worth Waiting For safe while I got back on my own two feet. "I will be there soon," I have whispered to this unmet man, "hang on." I booked a ticket to Europe and got in my car and drove across Canada and started to do things again that gave me back my power. I have been finding me.

And now, someone appears. Translucent, shimmering, he has barely arrived and yet my rainbow is getting back its Indigo. He calls it 'brewing' and he is right. A potion filled with magical possibilities simmers in front of me and I stir it with awe while making sure to tend to my own fire. I am giggling again, like a preteen girl and finding myself daydreaming in the most delightful way. When we talk, I can't stop smiling and when we don't talk, I wonder about what he might look like asleep. He is a man, not a boy, and he has brought me a gift. Open it, his words say to me, and when I do I see what is inside ... and it appears to be that thing that I thought died the night the door rattled shut. It is the greatest gift anyone could give me after my year of suffering. I will keep the gift and it will lift me up, no matter if the mirage that is him comes to life or fades before it has a chance to shine.

I call him Jax.

And that's all I will tell you for now.

Podcast #2 - Saskatchewan Women Talk About Men

Ever wonder what four Saskatchewan women - one single, one divorced and two married - might say about men if they were gathered together for a Finding Me podcast? Here's a quick 5 minute snippet of some pretty diverse, bold opinions from four strong prairie gals talking about everything from shoes to blow jobs. Take a listen...

SJ's I Told You So Comes True

I have pulled my rotator cuff and the weather here has improved. Two points, but not the one I wish to make today.

Lately, I have been questioned about the seeming end to my theatre hiatus. I spent the summer singing and gigging with The Windflower Trio, am currently making my income as a choreographer, singer, dancer, actress and am jumping through hoops again in an attempt to be cast in what would end up being a six month music theatre contract. What happened to theatre being the devil? What happened to my disgust with the screwed up priorities of actors and the incestuous actions of Canadian theatre companies? What happened to just wanting to sit peacefully in an office and not worry about whether or not I was too fat, could belt a D above C or if my agent was going to call? Well, let me explain.

Doing theatre again is like being back in the arms of a man with whom I had a dysfunctional relationship. He (read: the theatre world) hasn't changed, but I have. So the issues still exist. There is still an abundance of negativity and lack consciousness. There are still a tremendous amount of insecure egos fighting for the acceptance of anything and anyone. There are still the horrors of the hoops to jump through and the constant rejection. But, because of all I know now that I didn't know before, those things have less effect on me. I am staying out of the negativity and just enjoying making an audience laugh. I am remembering that I have more than enough all the time and will forever be infinitely supplied for so that I needn't bitch about money. The hoops I am taking with a grain of salt and treating them as an 'interesting challenge' and the constant rejection doesn't hurt as badly when you aren't attached to the outcome. If I get a show and it fits my life and it sounds like fun - cool. Perfect. Bring it on...I mean, at the end of the day it is what I do best. But If I don't get a show, I no longer care. I now know that I will be easily just as happy doing an Arts Admin job or a facilitation project or design work or whatever. Sure, when I 'gave up' theatre I felt like I had lost my way, but I had also done myself a great service and taken the False Idol off its pedestal.

So I know am enjoying being in my ex's life again in a much different way. I refuse to let his negative stuff penetrate me and still enjoy all the things about the relationship that worked. The spotlight hitting you at the exact moment when the whole audience falls silent, making people laugh, creating and connecting. These are good things and I am glad to be finding a balance.

It wasn't that theatre wasn't me or that being a music theatre gal is Who I Am. It is the new found knowing that I Am something that is much bigger than any job will ever be and so I can enjoy wearing as many different hats as I want.

This has taken me years to get to and I can not tell you the freedom that comes from this epiphany.

Now, I am off to go watch the matinee of Lee's show, continue with my own (only 6 shows left!), enjoy the BC-esque weather outside and hope that my shoulder will hang in there until I can get myself to my RMT and Chiropractor.

Norma's back again. Until, of course, she's not.

Point made?
Point made.

Me, Teetering

It seems there are these really great things - almost - happening to me. I mean, they ARE happening or starting to happen or on the brink of happening, but none of these things have any 'ink on paper' so to speak and so I am trying not to count any chickens before they are hatched. Sorry, to speak in cliches, but I am purposely trying to be vague, in protection of all that might be, could be and is currently becoming.

Me, teetering.

It is an exciting feeling. And I feel it. In my body, physically, the feeling of potential. Then, my human ego kicks in and that wonderful feeling is followed by fear. Fear that I am creating expectation that will inevitably disappoint me. How can I enjoy all the wonderful, happinesses that are unfolding before me without becoming attached to any specific outcomes??! That is the question. How can I remain excited and optimistic, but know that if the teetering results in a falling toward the side where I don't get the thing I desire, I will still be happy? Happy because within a few more breaths there will be teetering once again with, at some point, agreeable results. How to be This Person? That is my goal.

Have manifested parties and plans and outings and fun to alleviate my holiday loneliness so I am feeling a little less blue in that regard. And right now, I type this instead of serving, because I have been given two 'freebie' nights off of 'the floor' as we call it at Applause. I will make no tips tonight, but I will also ONLY have to do the show. YIPPPPEEEEE! Feels like a delectable indulgence. That being said, I must wrap up this blog and get my ass to the theatre.

Send me good teetering energy. The minute there is anything I know for sure, I will tell you. I promise. Until then, forget I said anything about any of it so that you don't wonder what it is I might be talking about. (That is like telling people not to think about a Pink Elephant. See! Betcha just envisioned a pink elephant. ) Ok, forget about forgetting...just know that I am well and on the brink of some pretty great stuff.

Going outside right now to scrape my windows in -25 degree weather NOT being one of them.

Slaving Away

Uggggggg...I just spent way too much time putting together my Regina 2006 photo gallery. So please go and enjoy it and make it all worth my effort.

Too exhausted right now to type much, will blog again soon...

5,6,7,8 or The Loneliest Tears

Ah, this should be on my Konkin Poems page...perhaps I will transfer it there...but tonight I feel just down right TIRED of doing everything alone. It takes super human effort to make one simple plan with one freaking person. I love Christmas - love it - but here I am tyring to give light to my love for the holiday alone. Very alone. I shop alone, sleep alone, eat alone, watch movies alone...I MEAN REALLY PEOPLE! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. No human being should spend this much time alone. I feel like ever since I moved to Vancouver in 2004 I have become this person who does everything alone. Yes, even when I was living with Jordan. He was busy and I was unemployed almost the whole time and I did everything alone. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT. All these grumpy, scroogy people at work who hate Christmas but have themselves surrounded by spouses and families and friends. It is wasted on them! Then there is me. My love life is experienced through a computer and my friends pretty much all live in a different province than the one I am currently in....AHHHHHHH...am I whining?? Yes. I am. I know. *Sigh* Well, what do self-indulgent people do when they are knee deep in angst? They write poetry. So, from discontent me to you...I hope you are all less alone than I...



From this empty room to a frozen car
Slipping and sliding on top the snow
From that frozen car to a smoke filled stage
A hundred eyes, but none I know

From a darkened stage and back to the car
A choreographed life, so safe, so staid
Park the car in the cold, go back inside
Another ending, another day

1,2,3 and a 4
Smile real big, pretend you are great
Make up covers the loneliest tears
And a 5, 6, 7, 8.

Make a Christmas list all by yourself
Shop and wrap and and sip some nog
Of course you're spending your night off inside
Just you, your MacBook and your god damned blog.

Email someone that you've never met
They know more about you than your very best friend
Lay on your bed that's not yours at all
Be secretly glad that this day has an end

1,2, 3 and a 4
Believe and be patient, hurry up, wait
Exit stage left to cry your loneliest tears
And a 5, 6, 7, 8.

The Curse

Obviously, I am cursed.

Last night, my pants flew open. Same number, different garment. Then, later in the act, I started to walk across stage as Cricket posessed by The Ghost of Christmas Present and this prop sheet got stuck to my shoe. I continue to walk, lifting my foot higher to disentangle myself from the sheet, only to make it worse. My fellow castmate's song started and I was left on stage with this huge sheet wrapped around my leg. Everyone started laughing on stage. Another castmate, pissing her pants laughing so hard, comes over to me and tries to help pull the sheet off me - this is all during the song. Once the sheet was detatched, I attempted to launch back into the song, only to step out with my left foot and have it STICK TO THE STAGE! Now, not only was the cast a goner for laughing, but the entire audience was in stitches. Since I had thoroughly upstaged my poor castmate's song, I stopped doing any choreography and took a good look at the bottom of my shoe and there it was ----- GUM. A big, huge wad of gum. All over my shoe. And If I stepped on it, I would stick. But I had a long scene ahead of me after the song. So. I milked it. I limped everywhere I had to go and the rest of the cast added comments about GUM into the remainder of their lines. The audience laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. I was a hit. The gum is still on the bottom of my shoe. Not sure what to do about that for tonight. And that is my story.

Phew.

Check out my new KJ's Finds list and brand new Konkin Question. I am working currently on compliling a "Regina" photo gallery full of pics of what my life has been consisting of here in the city that rhymes with fun.

Leanne is so sick. My mom is so sick. The people I spend 90% of my time with have both been diagnosed with the flu and highly contagious. There is no reason that I shouldn't become HORRIBLY sick as well, but here is the thing. I simply refuse. I will not get sick. I am declaring myself immune from the germs and am determined to recreate two Decembers ago in 2004 when I was the only person at 20/20 who didn't get the flu. I remember that well...It was during the time I was falling madly in love with Jordan and him and I were getting maybe 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night and yet I was so freaking happy nothing could touch me. No germ, no illness, nothing. Well, this Christmas I am not in love, but my heart is my own and my life is back in my own two hands and I feel gooooooood. Maybe I am in love, just not with a guy, but with my own self.

I was hired yesterday to do The Artists Tour back here in Saskatchewan in the fall of 2007. It is an extrememly well paying contract where 6 professional artists propose a workshop of their own and tour it to schools all over the province for eight weeks. My workshop title is Fascinatin' Rhythm - a celebration of rhythmic dance forms from tap dancing to lindy hop. I think it will be an excellent way to see if teaching really could be something I might enjoy and help me to hone my skills at workshop creation. TO ANY SASK. ARTISTS --- if you live or have lived at any point in Saskatchewan and would like to be part of this tour, contact me. They are hiring and always looking for quality people and it would be so much fun to have a friend on the tour with me!! Now, I manifest Chemainus to offer me a contract and BOOM I will have 2007 all booked up. Wouldn't that be lovely??

Sometimes It is gum, sometimes a man that tells you he doesn't think you are The One, sometimes it is rampant sickness abounding -- there will always be something.

I say just make it into shtick, right the guy off as a fool and get lots of shut eye...

Curse yourself with a beautiful life.