Vlog #2 - My New Lover

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Introducing KJ's Boobs

The opening of Act Two in my show goes a little something like this:
Cricket(me), Cratchet and Little Timmie enter over the Act Two overture as lights fade up on our bedroom. We are dressed in long, full Dickinson-esque night gowns and night caps, concealing beneath them sequin 'Broadway' vests and white (*shuddder*) pants. As lullabye music plays we stretch and yawn and prepare for bed when suddenly, out of nowhere, we hear strains of the song Fame. Confused and bewildered we look around, searching for an explanation when (light cue: full lights up on stage) the song Fame starts in loud and strong. Cricket/I get an excited gleam in my eye and on the first count of the second bar I face the audience and RIP open my nightgown (that is velcroed down the front) to reveal my sparkly, sexy broadway attire.

Tonight however, when I ripped open my nightgown I did not reveal my sequin vest. Nope, instead my vest decided to come completely and totally unbuttoned and, instead, I revealed my breasts. There was a confused look on the audience's face. I immediately looked down and saw my chest exposed. In horror and with one more bar of eight to gather myself and start singing lead, I flung my body around to face upstage and fumbled awkwardly to do the buttons back up. Then I bolted to my beginning position for the start of the song, leaned over to start my step snaps and found that my vest had come unbuttoned AGAIN. By this point the audience had started snickering and I was on the verge of tears. My back up dancers, not knowing what to do, just kept step snapping and I, well, I sorta step/snapped/tripped/fumbled to do up buttons and didn't sing. So there was all this dead space, just empty Fame track and some bad step snapping and world watching as I lost all sense of dignity. Or what there was left of it.

God, what a nightmare. Of course, nightmares always make for the best stories afterward, don't they?

The only news that usurps my breasts is that I did, in fact, GET MY MACBOOK TODAY. I am typing on him right now. I think tomorrow I may attempt at introduction Vlog so you can all meet him. You, my readers and friends, deserve to be introduced to my signifigant other. Like new lovers we are still bumbling around trying to learn the right buttons to push and the ways we can best please each other. But, even with the bumbling, he is the best I've had yet. (sighs with post-orgasmic pleasure).

Yes, it has been a mishmash of a day. I have felt elated and, at moments, inexplicably sad. Not sad about my embarassing strip show sad, but a really dark sad. Perhaps the sad comes from not hearing yet about my video audition, maybe because I reread some old HTSNBN emails when importing all my old email files into this new Mac Mail, maybe because it is cold and snowy and the nape of my neck longs to be kissed. For whatever reason, there it is.

I will leave you with my friend Shellest's newest song. It inhabits so quaintly those inexplicably sad moments...

A cold blue tailor goes so far
Measures deftly my stitches my scars
Humming and hemming she hangs onto me
A fastened and tangled melancholy

Fly sadness, lift from these clothes
Take to the mountains in ribbons and bows
A tremble of colour in a snow-spotted sky
Go sorrow, fly fly

My sleeves are dragging in this gloomy gown
The seams of sadness seem to weigh me down
She’s sewn herself to me, with threads and time
In gossamer guises, in patches and twine

Fly sadness, lift from these clothes
Take to the mountains in ribbons and bows
A tremble of colour in a snow-spotted sky
Go sorrow, fly fly

Silken sashes, dark as the thieves
Straps of velvet, gaberdine sleeves
Scarves woolen thickly, face very pale
So much to hold in, so much to veil.

If There Was A Letter Before "A"

Someone who hardly knows me just told me that I have given the impression of being a Type A personality. Actually, he said that if there was a letter before "A" that is how much of a Type A I would be. Of course, I immediately googled Type A Personality.

And as I read I thought to myself - well, Konkin, you could get defensive or you could see what truth there might be in what was offered. I do hate being late and when others are late. I hate it. It is annoying to me. Do I lose my mind? Let it ruin my day? Yell or scream or act with disrespcet because of lateness? No. God, I live in BC after all, the province of perpetual lateness. But I do find it annoying. Do I multi-task? Damn rights I do. But I am also much more skilled at being at complete peace with just 'being' and accomplishing nothing than almost anyone I know. Maybe I am just good at relaxing because I know that I have gotten everything done before hand? Now, do I like cleanliness? Yep. Is my house extremely neat? Yep. I believe that your surroundings are a direct reflection of your inner state, so if you are living in chaos then it will follow...you get the idea. My sanctuary is comfy and well taken care of and welcoming. Do I lay awake at night if I didn't do the 4 dishes in the sink? No. Do I make people put their glasses on coasters and fill my home with ornate niknaks that I am afraid people will break? No. Do I not own a pet because I hate having my shoes chewed, my furniture slaughtered and hair all over everything I own? Hmmmm, busted.

So, I guess I am Type A. Or Type Z. Or Type AA+. Maybe. But I think I am more balanced than just being that one thing all the time. I think I am too goofy and kind and creative to be shut too tightly into that box. But enough self-reflection. It is making my head hurt.

(she sings in a sing songy voice)
Tomorrow I get my MacBook!
Tomorrow I get my MacBook!
Tomorrow I get my MacBook!
Tra la la la la, la la la la.

Send me safe road energy as I drive through our wild blizzards to get to Regina. Right now I am off to take a very hot shower in an attempt to defrost my feet which are frozen blocks of ice. Mom doesn't believe in using that new fandangled invention called HEAT.

I am sure if I were Type B, I wouldn't even notice.

KJ's Wish List

'Tis the Season for manifesting one's intentions and for making dreams come true.

Here is what I want:

1. A huge amount of unexpected income that will copmletely pay for my entire trip to Europe.
2. A smooth transition into my new MacBook
3. A moneybelt filled with Euros
4. A free consultation with a naturopath
5. Excellent driving weather on the 29th of December
6. Ridiculously good tips for the last three weeks of my show's run
7. A great job waiting for my return from Europe in March
8. To not being so aware that today would have been my 2 Year Anniversary
9. To never have to cook again a day in my life
10. A Wired magazine and A What Is Enlightenment? magazine
11. A 80 GB iPod
12. One copy of every CD that one of my independent artist friends and acquaintances has created
13. An Abundance affirmawrap (watch for my upcoming Finds list)
14. Private tutorials in InDesign, Photoshop and/or Dreamweaver
15. A camcorder with built-in hard drive and ability to take stills
16. A new cell phone/handset
17. A new pair of glasses
18. An iMic
19. Lots and Lots of Massage
20. A Ski Lesson
21. Paid trip to UCRS Asilomar retreat
22. Pistachios
23. Macaroons
24. A glorious year-round tan without any of the health risks
25. A professional photo shoot for the whole family
26. The Ultimate Body Lotion
27. A great subletter for as long as I am away
28. A Toyota Echo - black, 5 door, automatic
29. A chance to lindyhop in Europe
30. Orgasms - hopefully not all of the self-administered variety
31. To see Dawson City again
32. A total hair make-over
33. A symbolic and stunning New Year's Eve this year
34. More poetry from Mom and Sean
35. To hire a personal tutor/assistant for Alex
36. A crash course in Torrent downloading
37. Those super soft Polar Feet socks
38. To start building a future with He That Was Worth Waiting For
39. My magic cottage built on a BC gulf island
40. A seaside loft @ Deep Cove
41. Joelle to suddenly emerge with a perfect backpack for my trip
42. Design help in creating a published version of Konkin Poems
43. A Tree Adopted in my name
44. An iTunes gift certificate
45. Perogies
46. A dinner out at The Olive Garden
47. Trip to T.O. to see all my wonderful Toronto friends
48. A subsciption series to a local theatre
49. Free admission to a beginners curling clinic
50. Restful sleep, perfect health and consistent contentment

Knee deep in snow and grateful for all that I already have...

Namaste.

Quick Quick

I will blog more when I wake up...as it is almost 4:30am I must sleep...but I wanted to just make sure i told you all that I am okay. The test results were about something altogether unrelated to the C word and my new MacBook is on its way. Other than some self-inflicted angst, I am perfect, whole and complete. Sorry to have worried you...

Bye Bye iBook

Ah, geeeee. What a week I have had. Really, I hate to vent, to apply negative energy to that which is already challenging my happiness, but I must get it off my chest and then I promise to let it go.

I guess it started with all the craziness around trying to get my video footage off the Sony Handycam and into a viewable format. All that hard work trapped in a handycam and no way to solve the problem myself was enough to keep me up all night long and slightly loopy. Then, I came home to MJ for my days off and this is what happened:

Monday night I attempt to download an operating system update which seemingly goes smoothly. Until I go to restart the computer at which point my iBook will not boot up past the grey screen. I knew instantly that this was beyond bad. Macs don't crash, but when they do, they crash totally and completely. This was at around midnight. Sick to my stomache, I get onto my mom's PC and start researching what this could mean. Quickly, as I read, It becomes clear that something has gone wrong with the update that I thought went smoothly. All night long, I try to reboot and teach myself how to do Safe Boot and decipher different error messages, etc. All I can think is this: I HAVE BACKED UP NOTHING. If my hard drive is dead and the data gone, I will have lost everything. EVERYTHING. My poetry, my design work, my raw graphics files for my website, all my addresses, email addresses, phone numbers, my music, my photographs, my resumes, all the very expensive software that Jordan gave me, everything. You would think after watching Jordan lose so much after his PowerBook was stolen that I would know to back stuff up. And I have been thinking about it for the last six months. But unsure if I should spend my money on an extrenal or just buy an iPod or both, I have chosen neither. So, there I was, Monday night, pacing and panicking. Waiting for 9am to roll around so I could call a Mac Doctor in Regina. At 7am I am delirious from not sleeping and obviously anxious so I start to apply lots and lots of makeup to my face. Like maybe if I found the right shade of eyeshadow everything would be alright. I don't even wear makeup.

By 11am I am in Regina - looking a little bit like a hooker with all that makeup - and three different people are hovered around my iBook. Seems it is necessary to do a reload of the operating system, but of course my disc is in Vancouver, not Saskatchewan. And I don't know the phone number or email address of my subletters to call them to get them to courier it to me. In fact, I don't know the #s or email address of ANY of my 404 gang. Then, we find a disc for an indentical iBook in the back room and suddenly our problem seems solvable. Until they find out that that disc will not in fact work either.

My mother pipes up and asks --- would it help if we bought a new MacBook and just concentrated on saving the data??

Yes, they respond. It would.

Merry Christmas, says mom to a hasn't-slept-for-30-odd-hours me.

So, we go and buy me a brand new MacBook - 80GB hard drive, 1 MB of RAM, Tiger, DVD Burner, the new Core 2 Duo processor, built in iSight...the works. While we do this, Sarah at RCE rips my iBook apart and digs into my hard drive to see what can be saved. I am so tired and so upset that all I can do is pray to That Which Is and affirm that happy endings are MINE NOW.

The happy ending came. Everything was savable on my hard drive. So we put a clam shell around it and when my MacBook is ready I will transfer everything over, wipe it clean and have myself the external HD I was looking for. I am so thankful and grateful and relieved. You can not know. And I have a new Love that will be in my arms by next Tuesday. But holy drama.

It doesn't end there. Last night I went to bed at 9pm and slept this morning until 10am when the phone rang. It was the doctor's office. Seems I have some test results that need discussing. (For those who don't know my history, I had some pretty serious stages of Cervical Cancer when I was 17, which I beat with surgery. In 2002, I started getting abnormal results again, but have had completely normal test results the last year and a half - until now, it seems.) I am going in at 1:30pm tomorrow to talk to Dr. Thorpe and I am scared. I don't want to deal with this cancer stuff anymore. I want a healthy cervix. I want a healthy everything. I wonder what I am supposed to be learning from this cancer drama following me around?

I know I am strong, but when all this challenging crap comes down on me, I long to have a partner to lean on. Thank God for Mom and Lee and a few of my other friends, but oh! for a partner to come with me tomorrow and sit in the waiting room and tell me everything is going to be alright, no matter what the doctor says. Oh for a partner to drive me and my sick iBook to the Mac Hospital and hold my hand while I say goodbye to truest companion I have known since March of 2006.

Although, It does feel good to be able to say to the world that I am able to face the toughest stuff on my own. How many women out there can say that? I am woman, hear me roar.

Meow.

All Over The Map

It has been a busy few days. I have allowed myself to enjoy it because, let's be honest, I haven't really been BUSY for months and months. At night, after the show, I crawl home exhausted, spend a touch of quality time with my iBook and fall into a drugged sleep. My thought have been scattered and so I thought I might point form address some of the random ponderings that I have been musing about as I flit around my crazy, wonderful life...

-- Did you know that, at a minimum, 25,000 species are going extinct every year? And if us humans weren't around only about 1 species would become extinct naturally about every 5 years?

-- I haven't had sex in a very very very long time. This is tragic and I think I may go mad.

-- In my opinion, it is useless to decorate for Christmas a week before the day. Decorating and playing the music and drinking of the eggnog and being in an overly friendly Christmas cheer mood should start the second Halloween is done. To all of you who don't agree - bah humbug.

-- Did you know that there are about 100 Billion galaxies that we know about?? That's 100,000,000,000 galaxies, not to mention planets or solar systems. Try truely wrapping your brain around that one.

-- There are no single men in Saskatchewan. Even the 8 year olds are betrothed. Seriously. I perform for hundreds of them every night and I'm telling you. Single Saskatchewan men are obviously one the species that has become extinct. Jeeezuz.

-- There is nothing simple about doing a 'simple video audition'. There is no such thing as 'throwing one together' and, most importantly, Macs and Sonys do not like each other. Life lessons.

-- I may be experiencing my very first blind date soon. Being single at 30 is so much different than being single at 20. Some days I hate it and some days I can't imagine ever having to go back to taking into consideration someone else's feelings. If nothing else, being single is wonderfully selfish.

-- Saskatchewan is DRY. My lips are chapped, my nose feels like it might bleed every morning when I wake up and I am going through bottles of lotion like a masseuse at a rub-n-tug.

-- I Hate - and I mean HATE - serving food, taking food orders, carrying food to people, bussing dirty food dishes, scraping food, all of it. I am not a waitress. I will never be a waitress. I can't wait until that part is over.

-- This iBook needs more RAM. And a new battery. And a larger hard drive. Not that I mean to complain about the most loyal friend and lover that I have currently in my life, but my iBook is acting liked a moody geriatric. Time to upgrade.

-- Leanne and I are more concerned with what we shall be WEARING in Europe than we are with how the heck we are going to get from country to country. I figure a train is a train, but if I am going to be wearing the same two pair of pants for 9 weeks that decision needs an awful lot of consideration. Priorities.

-- Did you know that in the Milky Way - which is 1 galaxy out of 100 Billion - there are 200 Billion stars, many with planets? So, really, folks, what makes us think that we could possibly be the only intelligent life form?

-- I love Christmas oranges. I can eat them by the box. Sometimes I will just sit down with the box in front of me and eat and eat and eat. Oh yeah, did I mention I have an excessive personality?

-- Am thinking that it might be nice to bring in the new year sitting on a beach and staring at the 200 billion stars reflected in the Pacific Ocean with a good friend or two. Or maybe even by myself. Or maybe with the new found love of my life. Or maybe I will just stay home and watch TV.

-- Life is good.

-- Surrender if freedom.

-- So far, I like this being 30.

Dr. Phil, step aside

This was an email I sent this morning to the man I talked about in my last post. Seems instead of having an affair, I am attempting to help him and his partner, who I do believe he loves, to figure out their unhappiness. I do this because, no matter how lonley I am or wether or not I am attracted to this man, this is The Person I Want To Be. And because I so long to restore my faith that romantic relationships are not all doomed. Please note that I was asked for this advice, it was not unsolicited. Anyway, read on if you would like to observe me trying to be Dr. Phil.

Dear ________,

the irony of being asked relationship advice when i am 30 and NOT in one has not been lost on me. i do feel for you and _____, though, as i know how it feels to be a couple on the brink watching their relationship drown, the water wings just out of reach.

as for me sitting down with you guys, i don't know if that would be the very best choice and i will tell you why. i am a bias party because it is YOU, _______, who I know and love and although i think _______ is a pretty great woman, my connection to you undoubtedly sways my perspectives.

that being said, i will send along a few of my thoughts and suggestions based on any 'wisdom' i may have acquired in the last 30 years.

#1. You both want to get very clear about what you NEED from the relationship. This should be done separately, in your own time, and best if written down. Then you come together and share the lists one at a time....not interrupting or defending or rolling eyes or sighing or huffing or ANYTHING while the other person reads their lists. It is important to acknowledge that what your partner needs may seems ridiculous to you, but if you love them you had better start to acknowledge its significance or you are doomed.

#2. Once those lists have been read, you start to calmly explore how you might be able to facilitate meeting each other's needs or - even better - how you might support each other in meeting YOUR OWN needs. We all often think it is everybody else's responsibility to help us feel a certain way - loved, wanted, sexy, respected. The truly free person doesn't rest the outcome of their mood or feelings on the actions of another person. This is a key fact, a little harder to live than to type.:-)

#3. I have often heard it said that if a relationship is going through dark days, it is not a result of the relationship's unhappiness, but of the unhappiness of the individuals. So, I urge both of you to start spending some time with yourselves and figuring out what makes you REALLY happy. What empowers you? What do you perceive to have 'given up' for the relationship and in what realistic ways could you get some or all of that back? How would you be living your life if you were single? What is stopping you from living that life now, even inside of your partnership?

#4. My last thing is this - in my spiritual philosophy we believe that our thoughts create our realities. Law of Attraction. You will manifest what you are thinking and feeling about - soooooo - when a couple starts having issues and all they can think about are those issues, guess what they get? Yep, more issues. Even in the darkest days, try to make another list for each other - an appreciation list. You both need to hear OFTEN AND ALOT all the things that you love about each other, all the things that attracted you to each other in the first place, all the things that you will miss about each other if you allow this relationship to drown. Make the list specific. Try not to go to - "You're beautiful" but instead describe the way you ache for her when she has emerged from the shower smelling of that coconut body scrub. Or instead of "You're handy around the house" you might pinpoint the way your heart swells when you watch him using his own two hands to build your home.

If you don't do anything else, do #4. Positive gratitude is energetically POWERFUL. They have even proved it scientifically. Oh, and if you can't think of anything to be grateful for in your partner - then basically, GET OUT NOW.

Good for you two for working on it. I know you love each other and, take it from someone with a heart full of love and no specific soul mate to share it with, you are so blessed. You are blessed to have someone to 'work on things with'. You are blessed to have relationship issues. You are blessed. You are lucky. Know this.

Well, that's my two cents, for what it is worth.

Hugs,
KJ

Madly, In Circles

How have I ended up here...in my childhood bedroom reviewing material for an audition, worrying about vocal fatigue and preparing to take a hot bath to sooth my achy hamstrings?? Have I gone in a complete circle or merely discovered that it was never WHAT I was doing, but how I was doing it?

My days off from the show have been well needed. I think this week's run will go fast, just as life seems to be going. In a matter of moments it will be Christmas and moments after that I will be standing in front of the Mona Lisa. Seems I have found my 'thing' or 'things' and it seems that there is plenty to keep me distracted...so why do I still feel sometimes like I would give it all up in a second for a minute inside the arms of a soul mate?? I am trying to act like a man, but it seems my female-ness keeps pushing to the surface.

I drank hot chocolate today with a taken man and considered having an affair. I know two women right now who are having affairs with married men. Sigh. That is not Who I Want To Be. I want to enjoy my time single and rest easy in my unwaivering faith that Big Love is on its way to me right now. I remember a time when I LOVED being single. I want to blame the disappearance of that independent me on HTSNBN. Ooooooo, there is still so much of me that would like to curse him to a life of unending lonliness and suffering for killing that magical part of my heart that used to believe without effort. Ah, but I know there are no victims and that it was I, in the end, who allowed the murder of that magic. Grrrr.

Well, should run a tub and de-stress about the audition. I left theatre because I had stopped having fun and I refuse to go back in any way, shape or form if I feel it becoming too much like stress and not enough like play. So, screw being perfect or getting cast or being accepted or even FINDING SOMEONE TO LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART. Even with no man, no job, no role, no friends and tight hamstrings, my life is blessed. And I DO have a cool job and this won't be last role I ever get and my friends are plentiful and supportive and hamstrings can always be stretched.

As for that Man part...

welllll...I'll get back to you on that one.

Vlog #1 - Opening Night

Well, here it is - at long last. If you don't see the play button, just double click on the video itself.

Remembrance Day

Today is a day to remember. I have sat in my short silence and sent an energy of peace out into our world on behalf of everyone who has given their lives to protect the boundaries that keep us seperate. May one day, we have no borders or wars to fight to keep them in tact. One day, may we all re-member that There Is Only One Of Us.

At that tail end of my silence, my own memories bubble to the surface, as random and varied as they could possibly be. I remember saying no to Jamie Collins when he asked me to dance in Grade 7, the look and smell of the dressing room at my childhood dance studio, Carrie Chan and I watching Revenge of The Nerds for my 10th birthday party, failing horribly when I attempted to bake my mother some cookies to take to her when she was in the hospital, taking my new sled out all by myself when I was about 4 and we still lived with Dad because I couldn't find anyone to go sledding with, sitting with Kirklind at my kitchen table and making craft gifts for everyone at Christmas, that the last night I ever spent as Patrick's girlfriend we went shopping for a wall clock for somebody's wedding, laying in the bathtub in my college apartment when my roommate knocked on the door and told me Jamie Burnette had called and sounded like something was wrong, waiting for Derick on the steps of the Downtown with my head in my hands and a dreadful feeling that my relationship was over, learning in the my first ever Greg Peterson acting class that the opposite of love was not hate but fear, my first kiss with Aidan standing in the middle of a Stratford street under a streetlamp, the look of my amputated, lonely living room when I came back and Jordan had moved out all his stuff, playing frisbee with Kyle and Kevin in the park off The Drive, an angry fight with Ryan when he threw a garbage bag at me and told me to wear that because it was what I was worth, tyring on every single costume collected from my entire life with Mom and laughing so hard we almost died, playing keep-the-balloon-in-the-air with my brother for hours, Atari Pong with those paddle controllers, when Melanie Phillipson played me this beautiful song she had written for me, Randall's belief in me at MT Camp 1988, teaching Dean how to tap dance on top of a tube slide in a Regina park at midnight, Mom in the parking lot at Peacock with the brand new Firefly convertible that she had just purchased for me, Cory leaning over the passenger side window and talking to me in front of his friends at the mall parking lot on a Friday night, late nights in the dark LaCasa office talking to Brent David on the phone and feeling so empowered, teaching Jen how to tap at #206, falling up the stairs in front of Roger Gregor and his buddies, dressing up my cousin David to do airbands to Tiffany and Belinda Carlisle, each and every ferry ride in the sunset from the summer of 2006 that held my broken heart and gave it hope.

I take a moment to remember...

And good or bad, happy or hurtful,

I am pleased to see that I have Lived.

Chemistry Shemistry

Sitting here wondering...can one grow to be attracted to someone? Or is chemistry just there or not? Black or white?

Why couldn't I just choose a partner based on all the other stuff - personality, how well we laugh together, what a great dad he would be, how well he treats me, his sense of loyalty, our common interests? Why does it matter if I don't want to get naked with the guy? Couldn't I just train myself to want to get naked with him? Wouldn't I just start to want to get naked with him after spending a whole bunch of time with his fabulous personality?

It can't be that I am totally shallow. Some of the men that I have loved were not magazine model good looking. Some were. But all of them captured me in some way. All of them attracted me in some way. It is an undefinable thing isn't it? Sexual Attraction? Or is it?

I know men that would make great partners for me. I care a lot about these men and believe that I could have a very safe and content life with these men. I want to love these men. I want to want these men. But...

Ah, gee. Sometimes I wish I were a mail order bride or part of an arranged marriage where it was all figured out for me. Sometimes I feel like a shallow jerk and then, sometimes, I just think I need to be a little more patient because there is no reason I can't have it all - the sexual attraction AND the incredible, funny, loyal, father and partner material guy - all rolled into one.

And as a back up plan, Brent David and I have agreed that if when I am 40 and he is 35, we are still single, we are just going to relax and marry each other.

I'm holdin' ya to it, BD, I'm holdin' ya to it.

The Creative Art of Visualization

Yesterday I watched The Secret. It excited me, it inspired me, it made me cry a little and it put me back to centre. Without CSL to recharge my spiritual battery, I can stop re-membering that I am creating my life. Such a good movie. Such a great message. But perhaps you are still wondering - WHY IS THERE A PICTURE OF KRISTA PREGNANT ON THIS BLOG??? Well, The Secret talked about using visualization as a tool to create your life as you would like to see it. It suggested that getting yourself to really feel what it would be like to experience your desire is very important. For example, it talked about test driving the car that you really want to own, so that you can retain the feel, smell, look, sense of the car and hold its image in your ever-powerful mind. Wellllllllll, when I got to the theatre yesterday, there was a fellow actor's prop pregnant belly backstage. I remembered the advice given and immediately strapped the thing on. Then I closed my eyes and pictured my magic cottage and my adoring partner and our perfect child living inside of me.

Then, of course, I kept wearing the thing and suddenly realized that it was heavy and burdensome and made sitting down and standing up pretty difficult. My cast was howling with laughter at me. I was having a blast. Of course, owning a camera now, I thought I should document this bizarre Konkin Moment. I wanted to give all of you who have known me for years as the one woman who never wanted to have kids a good chuckle. My poor mother is probably having a heart attack right now.

Dress Rehearsals all week. Exhausting. The show is mediocre at best, but I am having fun. The ticket booked to Europe, Lee and I are having a blast figuring out our itinerary and what kind of footwear serves a person best every single day for two months. Yes, I am generally the happiest I have been in a long while - save for those small burps of saddness that bubble up every now and then. When they come, I just write a Konkin Poem, have a good cry, take a warm bath and start again. God, healing a broken heart can take awhile. And yet, I can feel He That Is Worth The Wait, lurking closer and closer. WHERE ARE YOU DEAR SIR?? I am patiently awaiting your appearance. Meanwhile, if one more guy asks me why someone like me is single, I may blow something up with illegal explosives.

If I knew, do ya think I would be dating my iBook and strapping on fake pregnant bellies??

Ahhh, like my character says in the middle of Act I of my current show:

"One day we'll be rich enough to buy Timmie some psychological help."

ohmygodohmygodohmygod

I just booked my ticket to Europe. I'm going. It is done. From January 9th to March 13th I will be in Europe.

EUROPE!!!!!!!

Holy Mother Of God.

*gulp*

:)

Life Lessons I Learned From Theatre

1. Do It Full Out - Don't hold back. When you hear the music reach deep within your gut and give it your all. Yes, it will prove to be slightly more exhausting, but you will train yourself into being that person that everybody watches and wants to be around. If you wait, there may not be a next time. Do It Full Out.

2. Attitude Gets You Even Farther Than Talent - You don't gotta be the very best. Yes, having a certain amount of talent or skill is necessary, but if you want to be asked back - have a good attitude. People - directors, potential mates, friends - want to surround themselves with people who work hard, come early and act is if they are grateful to be where ever it is they are.

3. Be Vulnerable - Strong is good, but there are times when what will capture the world and let you hold it in the palm of your hand is a display of vulnerability. Show the pain. Show the joy. Admit that there is something that you are needing and wanting and fight for it with unmasked honesty.

4. If You're Gonna Make a Mistake, Commit to It - There is no way to fix something if you hide away and try to keep from everyone the fact that it isn't working. Belt the wrong harmony at the top of your lungs so that you can eventually belt the correct one. It is better to do a commited arm up on the wrong beat, then a half-assed arm up on the right beat. Wrong big means that likely it will be the last time you flub up that badly. Wrong small and secret means that you will likely just keep repeating the same crap over and over again.

5. If It's Not Fun, Then Stop Doing It - You chose theatre - or anything else for that matter - because it was fun and you loved it. Fun gets a bad wrap. Like it isn't an important, signifigant ingredient in a good life. I say screw that. When stuff stops being fun, you need a break or to go on a hiatus or get an attitude adjustment (see number 2). Have fun. Whatever you're doing. Have fun.

6. Look 'Em Straight In The Eye - Be proud and confident in who you are and in what you are doing and the audience aka everyone around you will buy it. Seriously. People can smell fear. It will make them doubt you which will add to you doubting yourself. Stand up straight, smile, boobs out, look 'em straight in the eye and say "I am hot stuff. Now, get outta my way!" Say it enough and soon you'll start to hear the truth in it.

7. There Is Always Something You Can Be Working On - A sign of a really stellar actor is when they take any spare second given to work on lines or research more about their character or stretch or review choreography. This is true for anyone in any industry. We are on this planet to keep learning. Stuff your brain full, improve and mold and hone. Work hard so then you can really play hard. And remember that that is just a saying - learning and improving doesn't have to be HARD, instead make it FUN (see number 5).

8. Rest, Rest, Rest - Know when to stop. Rest gives our brains a chance to process all the stuff we have learned and to rejuvinate all the energy we have put out. You can keep running a number over and over again, but eventually you will cease to see progress. If you go away and rest, talk about fluffy mindless junk, take a nap, eat some good food, have a couple laughs and then come back and run the number you will see a signifigant improvement. Rest is good. After all, we are human be-ings not human do-ings.

9. Just Because They Aren't Vocal, Doesn't Mean They Don't Love You - Sometimes the quietiest audiences are the most appreciative. Sure, It feels better to give out all that energy to a crowd (or friend or spouse or employer) who is giving you lots of energy and love back, but don't assume that just because they aren't boisterous or roaring with laughter at your every joke that you aren't, in some small way, bringing them joy. Your job is just to perform and not worry about what you get back. Your job is to just love and not worry about what you get back.

10. Everything Changes - In theatre, the show opens and eventually the show closes. You say goodbye and you move on. You get good at knowing that everything must run its course and the show must end at some point. It can be hard, a cast is like a family, and in a year you might be asked to meet, love and then leave several families. But everything changes, as it must, as it must. Curtains shut and house lights go up and what is important is that you had fun, went full out and looked 'em all straight in the eye.