And With The Snow

It's snowing on Halloween and Christmas oranges are on sale. The fireplace is becoming my constant companion and without planning for it, a feeling of nostalgia - followed by saddness - sits heavily on my chest.

Yesterday, Lee found out that a friend's husband has died suddenly, with no warning. He was maybe 39 years old. We are hearing now that it was a brain aneursym. He wasn't feeling well, he laid down for a rest and never woke up. They just had a baby a year ago and now he is gone. To compound this awful news, the friend, the wife, suffers from MS and is spiraling downwards in light of this shock. I don't know this woman and yet I ache for the lonliness that will be hers to contend with when, after the funeral, everyone gets busy again and return to their own lives.

I walk outside and breath in this crisp cold and scrap my windows and think about her loss. A piece of my hair whips across my face and I can distinctly smell my coconut shampoo and I think about my loss. I start my car and let it warm up and let myself have a small cry. I can't believe that I am alone. I can't believe that I was left. I can't believe that Christmas is coming and there will be no one who cherishes my heart to wake up with and unwrap gifts. Then I think about this woman and her one year old little girl and how hard this Christmas will be on them and I can't help but hate how unfair it all seems sometimes.

Rehearsals help when I get sad like this. Or working on my website. Or having Leanne around to talk with. Like a man, I keep myself distracted, but all I have to do is get a lovely email from you know who telling me how happy he is that I am out on my own exploring the world and I am brought back to this: I am a little bit of something to a lot of people, but the world to no one in particular. HTSNBN does not love me. I am alone. I wait and I wait and I am trying to be patient. I am trying.

And with the snow comes this...an island of a girl, standing alone in a swirl of white, face caked with icicle tears...

praying for a miracle.

A Letter To Steve

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This was a letter I sent to a new actor/film maker friend of mine in Winnipeg who asked me to share some thoughts with him on his current conflict about wether or not he should take a job that looked more like a career and could potentially suck him into a life of 9-5 corporate drudgery where he would "wither away like the rest of the population". Here was my response.
********************************************************


Steve...

I hear ya, I hear ya, I hear ya. I was exactly your age when I hit this exact wall. Obviously, I have no answers for you, but here are some of my thoughts, based on my experience and the experience of many other artist friends that have faced and chosen paths in this regard.

When I went on my hiatus from the theatre, it took so much pressure off my artistic self. I adored suddenly making real money and having a steady schedule and a consistent and safe life. No, it never felt like I was living my 'authentic' life, but I slurped up all that was great about suddenly feeling no pressure about paying bills and being able to commit to things because I knew I would be around. Plus, it suddenly seemed like I had more money, time and energy to BE creative. I took classes I usually would not have been able to afford and still found myself involved in creative projects.

Regardless, It seemed there was no way for me to escape Who I Was and I believe, neither will you. If you really are the storyteller and creative at heart that you say that you are, no 9-5 will ever slurp you up into its black void forever. If being an artist and living the life of an artist is your True North, then it will always lead you back again. Remember, it doesn't have to be an all or nothing choice. You won't be selling your soul to the devil. Or trapping yourself into not being able to UNmake that choice. The money will be lovely, but it will never become Enough. That being said, don't feel guilty if for awhile you decide to enjoy making a lot of money by doing something UN-artistic!

No matter how hard I have tried to run away from being an artist so that I could be something much more 'normal' and less stressful, I was always brought back to Who I Was. Now, I enjoy having a little bit of all of it. A little corporate money-making craziness followed by some gypsyish theatre mania smattered with a little techie computer geek design hullabulloo seasoned with a dash of behind-the-scenes arts admin dazzle and garnished with the steady hum of rewarding soul deepening spiritual healing-work brilliance.

Have your cake and eat it, too.

So, there, some thoughts. Whatever you choose, you will choose perfectly. Have no doubt. Forget about what everybody else thinks. I would love to meet up with ya in Europe, but would love to see ya feel like you made an empowered choice even more.

hope you're wearing mittens. 'tis freezing in these prairies!

KJ

KJ's First Podcast

YAY!!!!

I have finally done it. Instead of just talking about it, I carpe diem-ed and recorded my first podcast. Guest starring Joan Konkin, my lovely mother, this podcast speaks on a concept that is starting to become more and more prevelent to many of us...the aging of our parents. Take a listen...



It is exciting to continually learn something new everyday. Thanks for not only being my readers, but now my listeners, too!

Soon to come, my viewers.

Hey, man's dreams should exceed their reach, or what's a heaven for??!

Blind Bathing

In the middle of taking a bath tonight, the power went out in the house.

Strange thing, to sit in a bathtub naked in the pitch black. And I mean, pitch black. No peep of light from a window or the crack in the door...nuthin'. Black. At first, I felt panicked. But then I thought...I can do this. I can bath in the dark. I know where everything is...shampoo is on the back left ledge, my hair is on my head, the razor is in the basket, the stubble is on my legs. So, I did. I bathed in the complete dark. Before too long I got used to not seeing anything and instead my other senses kicked in; touch, sound, smell. It kept me very much in the Now and seemed to be quite the metaphor for how I seem to be living my life these days. An exercise in faith, I challenge you to, next time you bath, do so in the complete dark. 'Tis tres cool.

The lights eventually came back on and now I am typing this like a wet, shaggy dog in front of the fireplace. And for those of you who are still stuck on the above paragraph - yes, I DO take baths, not always showers. It is a lost art, tubbing, as Lee likes to call it. Mostly, I use the bathtub for relaxation...coupled with candles and bubbles it is most exquisite. It is also a favorite location for that wonderful thing called foreplay - but I won't launch into that as it has been so long since I have engaged in any that I am not sure I even remember what it is. Then, once in a while, not very often these days, I will use the bathtub as my main tool for cleaning my hair and body. To the occupants of planet ONLY SHOWERS, this may seem odd, but on my planet, to 'tub' will forever remain a verb and weekly activity.

KJKONKIN.COM UPDATE: Check out my new KJ's Finds...they are all youtube related. Oh, and a new Infamous Konkin Question, too! With my 10,000th visitor approaching, I am hoping to send out a Krista J. Konkin...The Newsletter, something I have never attempted without Jo and am not sure I know how to, but is sorely due. I would also like to produce my first video blog - the Live Out Loud Vlog - in celebration of reaching 10,000 in just over a year. Big goals for a girl that is opening a show soon, so we'll see.

Otherwise, rehearsals are going fine. Tomorrow I choreograph. Forgot how exhausting it is to perform. Am getting very excited to travel in the new year. Ah yes, life unfolds with perfection.

A bit lonely...

but aren't I always?

Welcome Little Nikon

KJ Konkin is proud to announce the birth of her newest addition:

Nikon Coolpix 3200

Here are the very first pictures taken of me by me on my newest little family member...

A camera! Of my very own! Oh, the possibilities!

18 Again

Walking into the theatre yesterday for rehearsal, I was instantly 18 years old again.

Everything was familiar, the gaudy carpet, my favorite parking spot, the smell. God yes, the smell of that theatre took me back to a time before It All. A time before Sheridan college or Rod Maxwell or Greg Peterson. A time before I thought I was too fat or not pretty enough, before any real heartbreak shook my foundation or doubt began convincing me that I might not make it to Broadway. In that theatre yesterday, there was no such thing as Jo or Kirklind or my life with Aidan at 262 Dunn. I walked in and all I felt was possibility, like I did when I was 18 and leaving in the fall for the big city of Toronto. Maybe that is what has seduced my back into a contract like this...an ache to feel, once more, like I did when I was 18 ---- like there was nothing I couldn't do and that The Happiest Of Endings would be mine.

Anyway...here I am. There is a lot of work ahead of me. Lines to learn, big-black-woman songs to belt, new false eyelashes to purchase and umpteen songs to choreograph for people who don't dance. The weather is silly cold, but I sit here typing at Lee's condo with a toque on my head, warmed in front of her fireplace. It was hard to drive out of Vancouver on Thursday morning, but now that I am here, I am happy. I smile at the thought of Denise and Andre (my subletters) puttering around #206, making it home. Last night, I bonded with a wonderful woman who is desperately in love with someone she can't have and felt a bit better knowing that I am not the only person in the world who has a tough time with loving someone who doesn't love you back. I even made a new myspace friend in England. I figure if I am going to go traveling there, I might as well start meeting people now. Oh! And get this. I told Sean and my mom in Calgary that all I wanted for Christmas this year was a digital camera. So what does my brother do? He gives me his. "You'll get more use out of it," he tells me. Talk about Ask And Ye Shall Receive! All I need to is to go get a USB cable and memory card tomorrow and I will start using it. Which means more to see in My Kickass Photo Gallery and probably lots of random pics on my blog. It even takes short videos, so I will figure out how to take and embed those into here and I'll be rollin'!

See KJ - (I like talking to myself) - life is good. I am going to go buy some cereal, curl up next to the fireplace and learn my lines.

And realize that when I am 47, I will think back to when I was 30 before all the-craziness-that-is-bound-to-happen-between-now-and-then and wonder why I didn't fully appreciate how good I had it.

A Chapter Closes

I have shut out all the lights and put my bags in the car.
Now I sit here in the dark with my laptop screen as my only light.
I can't believe I'm going.
I can't believe that this chapter is ending.
Right now, I don't wanna say goodbye.
Right now, I don't wanna acknowledge that if I drive off in the morning nothing will ever be the same.
There is this feeling that comes when you stand at the edge, but have not yet jumped. That feeling consumes me now.
Why couldn't have things just stayed the same?
Why can't Jordan just love me?
I don't know when I will return.
It doesn't feel like anyone will notice that I am gone.
It doesn't feel like any of the last two and half years has even happened.
My whole body feels numb and my tongue feels swollen.
In 6 hours I get up and drive and when I stop I will have left a huge part of my life behind.
It is an ending and it is a beginning.
I get it.
There is anger and saddness and excitment and overwhelm.
Why am I the kind of person who constantly needs to push myself to extremes?
For a girl that craves safety, why am I always diving off metaphorical cliffs?
I am scared.
But I dive none the less.
Why can't Jordan just want to be with me?
When I leave this morning, It will be the final inches needed to completely shut the door on Us.
Against my will, I walk away and let the door finally shut.
And god that hurts.
Bye bye Vancouver.
I'll be back.
Thanks for the last two and a half years.
They've been...well...unforgetable if not always easy.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

I love you.

Oh, Those Wise Campbells

My friend Martine's brother is going through a divorce. In the rebuilding of his life, he has come up with a mantra which he is using to guide himself. "Be the flame, not the moth." When Marty told me this, I immediately resonated. It occurs to me that by my 'wanting to be more like a man' I have really just stated to the universe that I am deciding to become, once again, the flame I always was and must let go of the moth-like mentality that I had started to use.

With this in mind, I pack and I plan and I take moments to reflect and even set aside a few minutes for tears and panic. Yet, I know that I am doing what is right for me. This being 30 thing is quite the ride.

Alot of emotionally challenging stuff has been unfolding in the last few days. I know, I know, when doesn't it in my life? I have received hurtful emails from someone I thought respected me and been asked again - like in the Cynthia times - to walk away from anyone who belittles me. Thank God I am back in The Knowing that I am a fantastic, worthy human who deserves to be treated with kindness. But it has been hard. Anytime someone calls you a name or throws out a criticism that sounds like one of those depricating core beliefs that you hold about yourself - it is hard not to sink into "see, I KNEW that was true!". For me, it is always about me being manipulative, controlling and bossy. Somewhere along the line growing up I started to actually believe that these attributes were the TRUTH of who I was. Which has caused me to dislike myself. Now, I know that even though I sometimes -- though alot less often -- choose to manipulate, boss or control, these are not Who I Am. And, being conscious, I can usually catch myself using these tactics and see that underneath them is just my 4 year old self terrified of being left or unloved. I forgive myself my weaknesses, hope to make stronger choices the next time and refuse to allow anyone else to bombard my mind with their negative opinions of me.

Then there has been the hanging out alot with HTSNBN. This has been almost entirely positive, but because it is so positive, it presents danger to my heart. I can not help but see how miraculous our connection is, how stunningly well our lives fit together, how ALIKE we truly are. Why did I waste so much time in the relationship focusing on how different we were? Truly, the man is a soul mate on so many levels. All of this makes it difficult for me to move on which I know I still need to do. Because of this, I celebrate the soon-to-be distance. I am not completely over him --- maybe 20% left to go? --- and this next 2/4/6/12 months away may be what is needed to seal the deal and help me finally fall out of love.

Or who knows...maybe there is still a chance that I will wake up one day to find him standing on my front step in the pouring rain weeping, wanting to try again and I will not have to fall out of love and I will have a good reason to come Home.

Or who knows... maybe during my adventures I will meet the guy who is ready and willing to take my whole heart with passion and honour and this new love will make sense out of what has been a crazy year.

Not that I need to worry about any of that...I just need to be the flame...let the moth take care of itself...

With a new vibrator in my suitcase and oceans to cross, this shouldn't be as hard as it sounds.

Burn baby burn.

Fairyland

Take me back to Fairyland
And a sea of loving arms surround
Perchance a light
Upon my path
Thick with leaves on cold, wet ground
Pretend for me I'm not alone
And sweep me up into a dream
Fly me to the moon's soft orb
Hope sewn to Truth without a seam
Oh, Spirit, for a set of wings!
I'd float above this forest dark
Escape the goblins -
Doubt and Hate -
Escape the face that left its mark
Or instead I'd dance -
I care not which -
Wings or feet, a light, some arms,
Tonight I long for Fairyland
A place where love can do no harm
Believe, with me, this heavy heart
Is no more than a magic spell
From which I'll wake
And wake to dream
A house of Joy in which to dwell
With a street address in Fairyland
Oh, take me home to Fairyland
I long to go to Fairyland

'Tis better than this living hell.

*sniff*

What smells do you love? What smells do you not necessarily love, but take you back in time, to the exact day, week, year of the memory?? For example...the smell of wet wood will now always bring me back to Vancouver and living here at 404 - and the first couple years of the Finding Me journey.

Go tell me what smells make you FEEL something...at my new Konkin Question...click here...

And check out the new security feature on the page. It is hilarious and perfect. If you try to 'submit' before adhearing to its commands it spits out obscene comments at you. It makes me laugh out loud. What can I say? I have a great ex boyfriend.

Morning Pages

I will set the scene:

Me, in my big, bugless, bed, propped up against several puffy pillows resting against my swirly wrought iron headboard. A sea of duvet waves poofing out in front of me and my iBook, a nifty little liferaft, bobbing amongst the waves, perched precariously on my lap. The mad sun is peeping though my shut avocado green curtains, willing me to get up and experience the day and the sounds of traffic and birds are my only soundtrack. That, and the clacking of my fingers on the keyboard. It is a morning in bed with no where to go and nothing to do except whatever I wish. Heaven.

If I had a lover, a partner, this would the perfect morning to make lazy love and then stickily make some yummy breakfast to eat on the patio. Suppose I could make love to myself and then make myself some brekkie. Too bad my vibrator is broken and I don't cook.

LOL.

Yesterday, I made myself laugh. I decided that I wanted to deal with my overly corroded car battery. So I found out that baking soda and water and a toothbrush are a good solution and I went outside and worked under the hood for bit. It seemed to work and I was proud as punch to have done something so traditionally male without a male anywhere around. Slowly, I am remembering how being single can a lot of fun. Even with a broken vibrator.

I did, however, find out another friend of mine is pregnant. Definitely had a gut reaction to that...a sort of achey feeling...knowing how far off that reality is for me...but then I thought about how I am going to be spending 7 hours in my car with my 5 year old niece in a few days and that cleared up any maternal yearnings for now.

Five more days before I leave BC. Yesterday, I was also surprised by an onslaught of emails I received finally from resumes I sent out for Vancouver based jobs. They were all wanting to book interviews! Isn't that always the way? Once you have committed, THEN they all start coming out of the woodwork desiring you. I do believe that if I thought I could have nailed a job down here, I would be staying and not going. Too late now. I am collecting the rent money from my subletters this afternoon and packing my bags to go.

Single and fancy free, coming at ya from a sea of duvet happiness.

8 Days Left in BC

One thing about flow...when it all starts happening, it happens fast.

In celebration of this whirlwindy (thank you again Kyle for that word) space I am in, here is a whirlwindy blog post. Random thoughts racing through my mind:

Might leave a day or two early, depending on my rehearsal schedule in Regina. Just found out my niece Emma and her mom are moving to Yellowknife in a couple of weeks. This has made me slightly sick to my stomache as I hardly see her as it is, but when will I ever see her when she lives in Yellowknife??!! So, If I leave middle of next week, I can stay in Calgary an extra day or so and bond with my sweet girlz. This has also spurred me into trying to fly mom down to cow town to meet up with me AND now I am told that I may need to swing by Kamloops to pick up Emma on my way though as she is there right now for a family funeral. Logistical nightmare. Ug.

Have reduced my bills well. Fido is the only one that I will still have to find $30 a month to sustain, but that is okay. Oh, and I found subletters. Can't believe I didn't type that first. Denise and Andre are from Europe and are checking out Canada and I adore them!! I could not have found better subletters...which is another example of this wonderful flow thing. Yay! They will be here until Christmas, if not longer, and take over rent plus my internet bill. Perfection.

Went on a date last night which is kinda fruitless in light of my leaving in a week. But he has been pretty great and I felt a date was due. I know, I know, this doesn't really stay in keeping with my 'righting off men until I'm 35' plan, but he was easy to talk to and very...scorpio. Aidan was a scorpio. I enjoy the intesity. I won't get a chance to see him again before I leave with everything and everyone else that I am attempting to make time to see...but I am glad I went. Terrifying and all, It is good to keep taking baby steps forward.

Which spurs me onto the next paragraph which is that I spent lots of time with Jordan this past weekend. We even went and watched Pat curl in New West on Saturday. Perhaps Jo (and I) feel safe hanging out because we know that I am leaving and potentially leaving for a long time. But what can I say? The man was my best friend for a very long time and hanging with him feels as natural as breathing. It holds some danger, I am not delusional, because I know that I am not 100% over him and would probably embrace the chance to try again if he ever wanted to...and knowing that he does not want to leaves me careful and conscious. Still, I have moved on enough to not be overly overthrown by these feelings and as long as I don't have to hear about him loving on some other woman, time with him is ... yummy.

I feel a little beaten down with all the right-brained planning and organizing. I woke up with a sore throat this morning and a bit of a cough...so I am trying to allow myself to not get too control-freaky and might spend the rest of the day talking a walk in the sun, renting some Scrubs perhaps and laying low. Lots and lots to do tomorrow.

Oh, and I get to head to Whistler this weekend to finally cash in on Eric's bday gift to me!

Sun beating in my patio door and warming my toes while I lay in my one and a half chair typing on my beloved iBook. HOLY MACARONI I AM BLESSED BLESSED BLESSED.

Done being whirlwindy.

Peace out.

Done and Done

Well, the email has been sent. I have accpeted the Christmas show in Regina.

Which means I hope to nail down a subletter in the next few days and will be back in my car in 12 days retracing my steps back to the prairies. It feels right. If I was independently wealthy and didn't have to worry about money, I would most likely stay put and do Ptarmigan work, study design and sing with TWT...but I feel excited about the flow that I am in and the whooshing sound in my ears as I allow life to take me where opportunity beckons. I can pay off my debt with this Applause contract. In the new year, I could be blogging from the South of France! I mean, I only live once and I am 30 and single with no ties or responsibilities. Carpe Diem! If I continue to sublet and take contracts that allow me to live virtually rent free I could take rewarding work, fun work and very telling work WHILE weaving in some life changing adventures and experiences.

Or I could just do this one contract and be home in January back at square one. I think that is what feels good - I am not attached to a specific outcome and I know that whatever and however it all unfolds, I will be okay. I want to commit to continuing to educate myself while being a gypsy, even if it is online or long distance or through self teaching. I want to embrace this exploration phase and enjoy it instead of feeling guilt and shame about it. Ya know?

And here is another truth. If I had a life partner that I adored and we were agreeing to settle into a home together and start building our future, I would choose to stay and nest. What I mean is that, If that is what my life looked like right now, I would choose that over 1000 European trips or spontaneous contracts. But It isn't what my life looks like. Last year at this time I really didn't think that I would be single and fancy free in October of 2006, but I am. There is no life partner, there is no settling down, there is no magic cottage, there are no babies to be had. There is only me and the finding of my 'thing' and the breathing and the saying Yes to that which asks me to follow. So be it. The nesting will come when the time is right. I look forward to the day. Until then...

I head home for awhile. I perform again. I make some money. I continue letting go of my past relationship and keep on falling in love with myself. I see the world. I explore. I meet new people. I wait for love to come again and knock me off my feet. I keep learning.

I invite you along.

Let's see how this goes.

With Thanksgiving

My heart is filled to bursting.

I am in this amazing, raw, beautiful place. It all seems so perfect and so sweetly tragic. Life. Love. Loving someone so much that you feel certain you would give your life for them. Not being loved back. Or, worse yet, being loved back, but it still not being enough. Losing ourselves. Finding ourselves. My 404 gang - this haphazard family of women who wrapped themselves around my broken self in the spring and held on tight. The slash of the couch strewn across my living room, bereft of hope, a deserted island in a suddenly empty space. Staining furniture when I first moved in - an independent woman in her first one bedroom apartment. Crushing on Kevin who barely noticed me. Talking to Brent David in the dark of my resort office. I was so empowered as I walked the shores of the Okanagan. The birth of an idea...this website...and its creation. Knowing for the first time I could have a baby and a partner and a magic cottage and STILL be me. Ah, to go back to Saskatchewan where all these doors gape wide open, but still know that I will end up here. Letting go. Hot showers in the woods on Pender Island and hiding in my office late at night to eat walnuts and watch One Tree Hill. Seeing SJ and I emerge from our Dark Days and wondering again, like I have before, If I am not just a little bit in love with that woman. My inexplicable connection to a man with a blog who has vanished and left me with only a magical walk to remember. The bedbugs. God. Those horrible little creatures...outpicturing all that was eating at me. Repainting this apartment with my mom, tears and paint and paint and tears. The innocence of my nieces and the hard fought wisdom of my brother. Driving in my car down the number one with the radio blasting and no idea what will come next. The pain of leaving Vancouver and the relief of not having to sit here all fall job hunting. Imagine if I do end up traveling the world?

It has all been so hard. So overwhelming. So uncomfortable. The feeling of growth, I guess. It has all been so sticky and messy and real and worth it. I am so glad that I moved to Vancouver. I am so glad that I did Real Estate for awhile. I am so glad that I loved Jordan even when we he admitted that he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I am so glad that I no longer hate him for that. I am so glad that I took Ptarmigan and sang with TWT. I am so glad that my brother and nieces are safe. I am so glad for a mother who just keeps on believing in me, no matter how many times I screw up and screw up and screw up. I am so glad that I moved all these women into my building and I am so glad that I live my life out loud, even when It pisses people off. I am glad for my friendship with god/spirit/that which encompasses all and I am glad for my faith that there is only one thing happening here despite how many names we all decide to give It. I am glad that I spent my childhood in a dance studio. I am glad that my mother had the bravery to leave my father that fateful night and teach me that even when we are most deeply afraid we can find courage.

With Thanksgiving I enter this long weekend.

Having The Cake and Eating It Too

I am home, I am alive, I am not dead.

I know that it has been awhile since I blogged, but I have been on the road and unable to get myself online -- which, let me tell you, has caused me to have massive withdrawl symptoms -- like headache and constipation. Ok, well, maybe not constipation, but definitely a headache that I totally attribute to my brain malfunctioning without a laptop in front of me to focus on. Even as I type these words I can feel the 'hit' oozing over me like a crack addict clutching on her pipe. Ahhhhhhh.

So much has happened. I was offered what felt like a million jobs while I was in the prairies and not received much attention to the resumes I have sent out here and so, it seems, I may be heading back soon. In fact, I was offered the Applause Christmas show in Regina which I haven't done since I was 18 and am thinking of taking it if I can find a subletter. It would be easy money, if not alot of money, and if I don't have to pay my Vancouver rent, I would be able to pocket everything I made which would wipe out the rest of the debt that I have from The Dry Spell in 2005.

THEN, I am thinking, I could go travelling with Leanne in the new year for a couple/few months. THEN I could go to Saskatoon and do a six month stint with Shosholoza/Monica, who I met with last Saturday and has offered a pretty well paying arts administration/personal assistant gig in her new, stunning offices. THEN, at least in theory, I could try to get hired on for the Saskatchewan Artist's tour in the fall which pays well and would allow me to facilitate a workshop of my own creation. See what I mean? All this possibility there and not as much here. Of course, Pat/Ptarmigan emailed me to arrange a meeting this weekend because it seems that there will be part-time work for the taking starting ASAP. And we all know how much I love to work for Ptarmigan and how much I love being in Vancouver/BC.

In essence, I feel like I am in flow. I haven't felt this happy or alive in a long time. I pulled up to 404 tonight after a 13 hour drive and I just felt so grateful for the last two years here in Vancouver. The whole thing. All of it. Even the painful stuff. It has been a crazy ride since I moved here in June of 2004. I have learned so much and changed so much and in some ways just found myself back where I started except with a whole different perspective. Same view, different eyes. The thought of performing feels good...to do it without it needing to be a 'career move' or an impressive contract or any of that bullshit. Like singing with The Windflower Trio, to just perform and not have to make it the be all and end all. No pressure, other interests, just doin' it because it comes as easily to me as breathing. Tonight, I like who I am 'finding' in me. Tonight, I like that I want to do about 47 different things and tonight, I am convinced that there is no reason I can't do them all.

Hmmmmm, I like tonight.

So, I am going to look for a subletter. If I find one, then I am driving back to Saskatchewan in two weeks. And Lord knows when I will be back. If I don't, then I will stay put and devise another stellar plan that will either root me here - which is all right by me - or still find me heading back east. I don't mind. Whatever happens will be perfect. Tonight, I feel that in the core of my being.

This trip wasn't about boys and my broken heart and finding new love and the fear of growing old alone. This trip was about me. I needed that. Sure, I still dream of Him...the one that I know is waiting for me out there, somewhere. Sure, I still have weak moments when I secretly hope that Him will be HTSNBN come back to scoop me up in his arms. Sure, I crave affection, flirting, someone to make love to, a soul that will warm my cold feet in the middle of the night. And that Great Love will either manifest or not. Meanwhile, I refuse to sit around and let it eat my energy. Life is good. I am in flow. Fall is in the air.

And I think I am finally falling back in love with the person that I should have been in love with all along.