July 2006 Recap

What a month. Let's recap.

This month I:

watched killer whales - J Pod specifically - leap and play in the Pacific Ocean, sang O Canada at the opening of a winery, washed a parking lot full of cars, redesigned and co-wrote Ptarmigan's second newsletter, experienced a Pagan wedding, saw a marimba up close, developed a cyber crush, attended/survived the Calgary Stampede with a group of children under the age of 7, meditated under the stars on the steps of a country chapel, played disc golf for the first time, watched almost the entire second season of Grey's Anatomy, pissed off a bunch of people by blogging about my Ex's new girlfriend, found out that she is no longer his girlfriend, swam twice in Magic Lake and once in Rowe Lake, suggested to a group of people that we do a much-too-steep-hike in order to get to Rowe Lake (aka: experienced temporary insanity), roasted marshmallows over an open fire, attended a barn dance, taught my first lindyhop lesson, watched bible boys act as swimsuit models, played paraplegic Twister, attempted to paint my very first painting, unsuccessfully put together my brother's futon, was part of a drumming circle, celebrated my brother's 'good news', decided that I MUST purchase a digital camera of my own, felt sick to my stomach with sadness over my breakup and then entered the angry phase of my healing, got a great tan, spent the first night in the last five months in my bed without getting bitten, welcomed my buddy Shelley into the 404 Gang, had my first experience being a movement model for a group of visual artists, sang my heart out at an Art Show for two days straight, received a love letter and gift in the mail, sculpted my first mask, missed my friends fiercely, watched a sunset from a boathouse sitting right on the edge of the ocean, read a couple books and wrote a couple poems, cried myself to sleep only three times, was invited to two Toronto weddings, felt brand new hope and surges of happiness, drove the biggest pickup truck one could ever want to drive, let my bangs grow out, saw Ghost again and was the reason that an entire audience stood up last night, raised their hands to sky, swiveled their hips and chanted in unison 'what a lovely way to burn' with a sense of ecstasy.

And it has been a lovely way to burn. What a month.

A little bit of heaven, a little bit of hell, a whole lotta life.

Next stop, August.

Channeling Evelyn Lau

Holy holy holy holy holy holy holy.

Really, world. It was one post. It was one little post from the depths of the muck of a young woman's heart that had been previously crushed. I am truly amazed that it has spurred so much controversy. The emails, the comments - some saying WHAT KIND OF FREAK DISPLAYS THEIR LIFE IN PUBLIC LIKE THAT? some saying THANK YOU FOR BEING SO HONEST! some saying MOVE ON LITTLE GIRL AND LET GO OF THE GUY and some saying YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO SAY THE THINGS YOU SAY...it is overwhelming. It was just a post. Tonight at dinner it started a huge debate about what should be public and what should be private and what exactly can be defined as libel or slander. I was raked over the coals for sharing my heart ache with the world and the people at the table raked each other over the coals arguing the ethics of this whole online world.

I just sat there and felt kinda sick to my stomache. It was just a post. It is just a blog. I am just a girl who had her heart broken and feels jealous that the man she called her best friend moved on so easily and effortlessly while she was still in such pain. Age ol' story. Simple. Many many people go through these same feelings and experiences every day. The only difference is that I didn't keep it to myself. No big deal, right?

Wrong.

What I am learning:

1. We are private people. We talk about safe topics and keep the really messy stuff to ourselves. We, as a society, love secrets. We will hunt down and kill anybody who tries to expose the private, secret stuff that we spend so much time protecting.
2. Shame is at large in the hearts of human beings everywhere.
3. Women are not supposed to feel anger, let alone rage. It is not accepted.
4. If you are going to use people's names and then say things about them out loud that they may not like, understand that you could be sued. Understand that there are always consequences to your actions.
5. If you want to be public about your life, get used to being disliked often.
6. We revere private people and harshly judge public people.
7. There is a misconception that by having a blog someone like myself keeps nothing private. This is false. There is a world that exists inside of me that I couldn't articulate with words, even if I was to try.
8. Tell the truth, expect criticism.
9. There is a bit of an addiction that must be addressed regarding connecting to the world through the safety of online communities, blogs, podcasts, chat rooms, forums, etc. I am addressing my addiction, don't worry.
10. For everyone that feels one thing strongly, there is always another person that feels the opposite is true just as strongly.

At the table, my coworker looked at me and the debate swirling around the room and mentioned Evelyn Lau. Not knowing what she was talking about, I googled Evelyn Lau tonight and was fascinated with what I read. Seems she is a well known Canadian author who writes very autobriographically and has a very 'confessional' style. She was sued a few years back by WP Kinsella for libel after she wrote about him in regards to a messy breakup between the two. She is known for her 'controversial willingness to breach the boundaries between public and private in the name of art'.

Not that this is art, but I think I am going to have start reading her stuff.

That, or stick to blogging about toothpaste.

Seems I'm Grounded...

...and I don't mean the 'one with the earth' kind of grounded.

I just read the comments from two shocked?upset?furious? ex's of the subject of my An Imaginary Trialogue post. One of the ex's also happens to my Ex. Seems the reaction to that post continues. Those that have witnessed my journey seem to be supportive of my extremely honest and public displays of anger and those who have not, are none too pleased. Fair enough. I have gone back and sensored the names out of that post. I have apologized. I am not going to feel ashamed for my anger or for my choice to write about it, but I am going to back up and refrain from using the full names of those who are innocently involved.

Thing is - and anyone who gets people will get this - my upset at bumping into this person everywhere I turn is not them, but about what they stand for. If you took all the stuff about yourself that you doubted or didn't like, if you took that part of yourself that criticizes everything you do and tells you that you don't measure up and then if you personified all these qualities into human form ---- and THEN made this personified form show up everywhere you looked - well, you would post a hideous post like I did, too. Anyway, I will stop trying to justify my actions. The post has been edited so that it does not use the actual names and I have also decided that I will not use full names from here on in. Will make for slightly more confusing stories. But so be it.

On a positive note: I painted today for the first time in my adult life. It was terrifying and wonderful and very messy. It is good for me to try things I am not good at...keeps me humble and open and flexible. The camp is going wonderfully and I am going to be spent, spent, spent by the time It is done. I look forward to coming back to Vancouver for a rest.

Also found out that a friend of mine - and with my new found wisdom I shant name names - is pregnant. Ah, pregnant. In this heat, I can't imagine.

...and I don't mean the 'blazing hot sun' kind of heat...

Heat Rash

Well, I have just re-read my last post and am kinda giggling in embarassment at how angry it is. I have to thank everybody who has contacted me re: that post. I am noticing how much reaction I get from my readers whenever I completely expose in rawest form what I am feeling about something, even if it is messy and unattractive. For every single beautiful soul that has offered to beat up Sarah for me - not because you are violent but because you love me soooo much - I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Of course, I would never wish any physical harm to either of Them...maybe just some public humiliation and hard core rejection. LOL.
This man, Mr. Darryl Schreiner, deserves the biggest kudos of them all. He had me peeing my pants on Skype last night as he hurled insult after insult the way of Those That Have Hurt Me and created with humour - as he is so good at doing - a sauve that healed unlike anything else. Thank you, D. If you could believe in yourself and I could believe in myself as much we believe in each other, we would conquer the world. Or, at the very least, we would not be single? Why are we still single again? Too bad we don't want to see each other naked, we could be a great couple.

NOTE: I have heard the cry of so many and have have fixed the silly setting problem that was not allowing y'all to comment on my blogs unless you were part of blogger.com. Stupid setting. All is set up for anyone to comment now, and so, I definitly hope you do.

Strength Within 2006 started yesterday and so far, I couldn't be having a better time. I can't believe I get paid for this!! Up until this moment my 'work' has consisted of swimming twice at Magic Lake, making clay masks and working on glass art, taking part in a drumming circle, jamming with a room full of musicians, eating good food, hiking through forests and arriving at exquisite beaches, wathcing a sun set from a boat house on the ocean and, tonight, after I finish this blog, I get to experience Disc Golfing for the first time. And the week is just getting started! Like I said, I can't believe I get paid for this. The participants, all Cancer Survivors, are these incredibly positive people, enthusiastic for life and extremely kind. The don't take life for granted, I guess. It is inspiriational. Thank God 1000x for this contract. It is saving me on so many levels and in so many ways.

Another funny photo just for the humour of it. This was where I went back in March when the break up occurred. I went to this Girlz Nite Out Spa PJ Party thingy. I wiped away my tears for a few hours, wore pj's, put my hair up in pig tails and sucked on chocolate penises while getting pedicures. I highly recommend it for any woman out there unfortunate enough to fall in love with a self-centered, cruel jerk.

So there it is, the closest thing to porn you will see on this site - beside's Jennie's costume in my Halloween '05 photo gallery - hahahahaha. I am off to play disc golf and 'get back to work'. Angry and happy and tanned and okay for now, this is me signing off...

'til next time.

An Imaginary Trialogue

I opened up a magazine today and guess what I saw...TOHWTRMW 's face.
I was surfing the net tonight, minding my own business, when guess what I accidentally stumbled on? Someone's idiot video blog with GUESS WHO in it??##*!...TOHWTRMW . Glasses wearing, fucking-everywhere-I-turn TOHWTRMW .
I am good person. Angry, sure, but essentially good. What have I done to deserve this? HUH??!?? I just want to erase HTSNBN and TOHWTRMW from my life, my sight, my smell, my computer screen. I mean, I am sucking from erasing them from my thoughts, so don't I get a little peace elsewhere?

Then, right before blogging, I had this thought. What if he brings her lindy hopping on a night when I am there. I can just see it. Like the hideous Diane night all over again, but this time much worse and very different. Different because now I know he is a User and different because now I am back to being a Krista that won't babble on pathetically like I did with Diane. I will refuse to pretend that what has happened is ALL OKAY, because IT. IS. NOT.

So, there it will be, the Legion and I will walk around the corner and BOOM I will bang smack dab into THEM. There will be no avoiding them, no avoiding me. Jordan will immediately look nervous - mostly due to his fear of my reaction, because let's face it, perfect TOHWTRMW probably is too enlightened to be affected by an Ex. She will simply look confused, until her hyper-intelligence kicks in, she puts two and two together and realizes that she is standing in front of HTSNBN's slightly-psycho, yoga hating, much-too-public Ex. I will just stand there and seethe. I will not smile or if I do, it will be a sardonic, almost evil smile. The smile of a woman who was duped into living with someone she was told GAVE A SHIT. The smile of a broken woman who is pissed off at that which broke her.

HTSNBN will be the first to speak.

HTSNBN: Hi! Ah, Krista...Hi. (meekly)I thought you were on Pender?
Krista: (coldly)Nope. Not this weekend.
HTSNBN. Right. (Awkward Pause. The two lovers shift uncomfortably.) So, Krista, this is Sarah. Sarah, Krista.
TOHWTRMW : (mumbles) Hey.
Krista: Hey. So, I finally meet The One. I didn't know you lindyhopped?
TOHWTRMW : I don't. (she laughs exposing her too straight teeth and turning toward HTSNBN) He invited me.
Krista: Well, yes, it seems so. You enjoying yourself?
TOHWTRMW: (slightly confused as to why Krista is being so seemingly polite) Yah. I am not very good, but I am having fun...
Krista: Actually, TOHWTRMW , sorry to interrupt you, but I shouldn't have asked you that. You see, I don't really care. Right now, I am standing here in front of you two coming to terms with the fact that you are real and that I really was used and dumped and replaced by your cyber-conscious, flickr abusing, yoga for geeks ass. It probably seems like I am just standing here, talking, but really...my heart is breaking and I am dying inside - which is interesting because I really didn't think it was possible to feel anymore pain than I have in the last 4 months...but (laughing a bit too loud) I've been wrong before haven't I?! Oh yes, I am standing here, dying inside and swallowing the fact that after I am done making this scene, you two are going to walk away together and talk about what a nut case I am and then maybe you will spend the night making love or holding each other and I am going to get in my car and drive to the apartment that I once shared with him and I am going to take off my clothes and go to bed and cry myself to sleep. Alone. So, no, I don't care if you enjoyed Lindyhopping. My fault, sorry I asked. You two have a great night. And a great life. Oh ...(turning to HTSNBN)...and fuck you.
(Krista turns an abrupt 180 degrees to find with horror that everyone in the near vicinity is staring at her. She quickly goes to the coat rack, grabs her stuff, and runs out of the building. Once she has escaped into the night, she makes sure she is safely around the corner before she leans up against the brick side of the building and sobs into her jacket. Lights fade.)

Ah, I can't wait for the day. Puke. Why God is she everywhere I look? Just make it stop. Like an infectious disease. Like an infestation of bedbugs I can't get rid of...

I can try to sleep and I can try to ignore it...

but then I wake up... or open a magazine or surf the internet or find a card he wrote me for Christmas... I am, once again,

like it or not,

bitten in the ass.

Updates, Finally, Updates

After all this time, after all this mess in my personal life and professional life, after every single thing that I have felt and not felt and after all these months of finding the strength to work on this website - I have finally updated everything. Hope has died enough that I have stopped waiting for JoDesign to master these pages or to renew all my dreams and I have gone ahead and done it myself. Just me. Done. And you know what? It feels good. Of course, for some reason, I have been suddenly filled with a deep, unabiding aaaannnngggeeeerrrrr. Praise the anger, I say. It can be my fuel for now. Besides, after disposing of me like a used kleenex, I could use a little wrath. Anyway...

See my new Photo Gallery!

Answer my new Konkin Question!

Read the new Konkin Poems!

Check out the whole list of KJ's Finds on the home page!

And note the new quotes...this time some of my favorite lyrics!

Ok, enough with the exclamation marks. I am exhausting myself even typing with that much enthusiasm. Just enjoy the new updates and celebrate, cyber-ly, with me, that kjkonkin.com doesn't need to totally depend on The Ex.

Tune in next week when angry Krista contemplates wiping any sign of him out of her Photo Gallery...

Oh, Mr. Postman

I received a package with a love letter attached in the mail today. A hand written, snail mailed love letter. Seems I have captured the attention of a gentleman from the songwriters camp. It is all so old fashioned and I am terribly flattered.

Of course, it is not from a gentleman that I have any desire to get to know further romantically. He seemed kind and funny, but I don't remember being at all attracted to him. Still, I will have to write and thank him. If nothing else, it feels good to know that someone is thinking of you, even if it isn't the someone who carries around your heart in his backpack.

I am lonely. I may as well admit it. I have been single before and I found it anything but lonely. My memories of being single are actually quite joyful. This time around, it feels so different. I don't necessarily ache to jump back into a partnership, but I am constantly craving my space to be filled with other people. It is so needy of me. When I am faced with a moment of silence filled with no doing-ness, I panic. Meditation has become frightening. The lonliness feels like black ominious shadows that creep onto my skin the moment I am all by myself, just being. So, I quickly pick up a book or do some work or call a friend or jump on the internet or go to sleep. I am haunted and I am afriad and I am lonely.

But what this love letter reminded me is that even though I am lonely, I am not willing to settle. Not yet. I am not willing to love someone back, simply because they love me. I am not willing to quit searching for someone who takes my breathe away. I am not talking about The One. You know how much I HATE that concept. This someone does not have to be The One, but they do need to be someone who pushes my buttons and who will never give up on us and who I can't stop thinking about and who ....

Why try to describe the magic that I am waiting for? It is impossible. I just know that even though I want so badly to rush through this time of being only me, I will not sacrifice my dreams to gain speed. Perhaps the universe is waiting for me to fall back in love completely with myself and my life before manifesting me a partner. That is what I am afriad of...feels like it could take a lifetime to get to a place where I don't miss the sound of him softly typing on his laptop beside me on the couch, supper cooking on the stove, our little world inside of #206 bubbling away, content, peaceful, gentle, perfect. How I ache for one more day of that life...one more nap together, middle of the afternoon, legs intertwined, hearts safe. Will I ever get to a place where I learn again to prefer hogging the whole bed to myself, flirting with as many men as I choose, having my home exactly as I want it - no bikes, no bob marley coaster, no tie dyed clothing hanging in my closet? How do fall in love again with Me when I still miss him so much?

"Love is so short, forgetting is so long."

I suppose I could listen to the little itty bitty voice inside of me that says 'Girl, that boy is a fool. A fool to have asked for your love and then thrown it away when he finally received it. A young, arrogant fool. You are smart and sexy and funny and it is easy to fall in love with you. That is how you can fall for yourself...easily. You had to make yourself smaller to love him. Forget that shit. Be big again and let some other woman deal with his issues. You are free and you are all you need and someday you will know a love with someone who is Certain. Make love to Life and have faith. This heart break was no mistake.'

The voice sounds kinda like Whoppi Goldberg. I love that voice.

Come on, Krista, let's go hog the bed.

Come To My Concert!

Sweet and Sour

Was so glad to find out that there was at least one good photo taken of all three of us from my trip to Calgary. Here I am with Alex and Emma at the Calgary Stampede. When I get back to updating my photo gallery I will have to post some of the other pics taken that day...

On a less sweet note, last night I finally visited the site of one of my readers. If you follow my blog you might have seen someone called Blog Monkey make a several comments. For some reason, I have never pursued who Blog Monkey actually was until last night when I finally clicked over to his site. Happens to be he is from England and had links to a tremdenous amount of blogs that he favours. So, I started to sift through the links and eventually stumbled upon a blog from a woman in Maryland who sucked me in. Seems this woman has had her heart broken, much like me, and beautifully articulates her journey. One post particularly took my breathe away being that her words were my words, just said slightly differently. It is a post about wanting to stop obsessing about someone who clearly doesn't deserve your obsession. Check it out:

My Pen Ran Out of Ink

So, thank you Blog Monkey, way over there in England. And to you, Jasika, for being someone else who sucks at fogetting. And to Kyle Hart, for these lines from a new poem of his...

"You still have my heart,
But it is nothing that I want back.
I shall attempt to grow another, or do without."

Logan...Man of Mystery

Both thrilled and torn, I hugged Alex and Sean goodbye today and boarded my plane back to Vancouver. Settling into my seat, I took a big breathe and melted into my chair. Today was a marathon day of doing puzzles and watching Dora videos and cooking and cleaning and helping with adding and subtraction and singing to Seseme Street and 'put on your shoes before you go outside' and 'just take two more bites of salad and I will give you some more juice' and a lot of 'Auntie Krista, I hate you!' followed by even more 'Auntie Krista, I loooooove you' and I was glad to be safe and by myself, heading for home.

Then, all of a sudden, the person sitting next to me arrived. And you will never guess who it was. Logan. Six year old, very adorable, blonde, talkative Logan. Logan's mother was sitting elsewhere and as soon as Logan sat down beside me, he decided that I was going to be his new very best friend. I think at one point I actually looked around the plane to see if there was a camera crew filming me for some sort of candid camera tv show. What was the universe trying to tell me? What you resist persists? That I am attracting child energy? That there actually IS endless amounts of patience and love?

What was I to do but fall into a very familiar banter with this charming and very Alex-y young man? Very quickly I learned about his grandmother in Alberta (his dad didn't come on the trip becaue 'dad can't stand grandma') and how he had already been on a few planes and how he went to Bible Camp this summer. Trust me, that irony was not lost on me. As we were taking off Logan was belting out bible songs at the top of his 6 year old lungs. "JESUS IS OUR SAVIOUR, HE SHED HIS BLOOD FOR US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" sang Logan. The other passengers shifted uncomfortably. Had Logan been an adult he could have been arrested I am sure on some grounds of some freedom of religion act, but at 6 years old, there is nothing anyone could do but listen to the preaching. I was smiling from ear to ear. By the time our snacks came, I am pretty sure Logan was somewhat in love with me, watching my every move, fascinated. I think I was a bit in love, too. My perfect man is 24 years younger than me. Ah, well. When I am 54 he will only be 30 and we can probably swing that.

The flight ended with Logan singing a rousing rendition of Oh Canada and sharing some Juicy Fruit gum. I got off the plane, came home and now I have what it is that I have been craving for days - peace and quiet.

And you know what? I miss Alex. I miss Emma. And I miss Logan.

And I am wondering what this all means and how I am not the same Krista I was before.

Not even close.

Tidbits In The Face Of Defeat

I am having a very sad moment where all I want to do is blog about the stuff that I am trying to not blog about...a 'fallen off the wagon' in terms of my moving on...and I am suffering. So, in light of all the surveys I have been reading lately, I am going to blog mindless, trivial facts. Here goes:

1. My uncle once: asked me that if there was a God and if there was then could that God make a rock too heavy for God to lift? I was 9.
2. Never in my life have I: done a recreational drug
3. The one person who can drive me nuts: my ex
4. College is: the first place I was told I was not thin enough.
5. When I'm nervous: I talk too much.
6. The last time I cried was: this morning, after visiting a particular person's Flickr site.
7. If I were to get married right now my bridesmaids/groomsmen would be: The 404 Gang + Lee
9. My hair: is in need of some attention...August, hair, I promise in August we will go and get you done!
10. When I was 5: I started tap class
11. Last Christmas I: mostly worried that my then partner wasn't enjoying himself in Saskatchewan. Geez.
12. When I turn my head left, i see: a blank creme wall.
13. When I turn my head right, I see: my brother's computer desk and a sunny day outside that I must go enjoy. ah, calgary.
14. When I look down I see: my tan, my trusted iBook, my words trying not to sound too sad
15. The craziest recent event was: taking 5 kids under the age of 7 to the Calgary Stampede.
16. If I was a character on Friends I'd be: in love with Ross.
17. By this time next year I: want to be COMPLETELY over my past relationship. Comepletely. Totally. Actually, sooner, please.
18. My favorite Aunt is: Elaine, in Moose Jaw.
19. I have a hard time understanding: how easy it is for some many other people to let go and move on.
20. One time at a family gathering: I announced in my angry 4 year old voice - 'This isn't a holiday - it's a HOLLER-day'
21. You know I "like" you if: If I start feeling shy
22. If I won an award, the first person(s) I'd thank is: My Mom
23. Take my advice: there are no victims.
24. My ideal breakfast is: oh, there isn't a breakfast food I don't like...that's a trick question.
25. If you visit my hometown: please don't insult it and tell the "you can see your dog run away for days' joke.
26. In June: I turn a year older. Every year. This year it was 30. Next year, it will be 31. Oh my, let's change the subject.
27. If you spend the night at my house: don't let the bedbugs bite.
28. I'd stop my wedding if: my groom was caught having sex with my mother. yah, that's a deal breaker. lol.
29. The world could do without: fear as motivator
30. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: cook
31. Most recent thing you've bought yourself: a corndog. how embarassing to have to admit that. hey, it was the stampede!
32. Most recent thing someone else bought for you: the Adult Whistle that Alex wanted for her birthday
33. My favorite blonde is: Emma
34. My favorite brunette is: Alex
35. The last time I was high: having never done drugs, let me answer this way...ON LIFE: Songwriters Camp a few weeks ago
36. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: pigs
37. I should have been: nicer to the men in my past who actually wanted to commit to me for life
38. Once, at a bar: I was given a lapdance by a very nude stripper.
39. Last night: I felt like I was healing. This morning, not so much.
40. There's this girl I know who: is choosing Toronto over Vancouver. Bizarre.
41. There's this guy I know who: is still carelessly carrying around my heart inside his backpack.
42. A better name for me would be: Reggie
43. If I ever go back to school I'll: hopefully come away having studied something that might actually make me money.
44. My birthday is: important. everybody's birthday is important.
45. I last ate: a peach.
46. I last drank: water
47. I am wearing: brown capris pants and a yellow halter top. i wonder if a look like a banana?
48. I want to own: my magic cottage.
49: who am i kidding I totally: haven't erased what I am really thinking about by doing this questionnaire.
50: I should have been: nicer to myself, instead of always worrying about the men

Auntie Krista

The mantra of my past 50 hours:

"Excuse me?? Auntie Krista? You know what? I have stir sticks. Right? Ok? Right Right??!! RIIIIGGGGGHHHHHTTTTTT????!!!!***!!!!!" And then, 30 seconds later, "Excuse me? Auntie Krista? You know what? YOU KNOW WHAT? I am sitting on the floor. Am I? Am I? Auntie Krista? Right?? RIGHT?? AUNTIE KRISTA!!!!!!" And so on and so forth. Oh, and then double it. Times Two. And this is the good stuff. The bad stuff is also repetitive, but involves the stomping of feet, the crying and a whole lot more "No! Nooooooooooooooooooo. I don't want to!!!!!!!! Just because I don't!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I hate you!!!!!!!"

Ah, my nieces. I love them. Of course I do. But ohmygod. I don't know how my brother does it. I don't know how anybody does it. Everytime I visit them and I am a little bit older and a little bit wiser and have had a few more biological clock tickings, I think that I will suddenly have so much more patience, so much more energy, so much more resilience than I did in my younger days. But I am proven wrong time and time again. Here I am, 30, and exhausted and even as I type this Emma is sticking a whistling toy in my ear trying to get my attention back from the laptop. It either has got to be totally different when the kids are your own or I really have not yet become someone who is meant to have children. Which is fine...I am single, not having sex, barely even dating and still unclear about my career path. Not to mention, we are overpopulating the earth as is. I think instead of having babies, I will simply sleep. Sounds like a good trade off.

Update on my bedbugs...have had the apartment sprayed for a second time. Slept in the bed on Wed. night and got bit. Will sleep in the bed again on Tuesday night when I return home and see if I get bit. If I do, then I will return in August, attempt a couple more home remedies...and by the time Mom comes to visit, if I am still getting bitten, I will start looking very seriously at moving out. That is the plan. Not that there are any living accommodations in Vancouver that even compare to the rent that I pay. I would really rather just beat these stupid bugs.

Tomorrow we are taking Emma and Alex to the Calgary Stampede for Alex's 7th birthday.
And right now, Emma has found a pretend laptop, is sitting beside me and mimicking me as I type away.
Guess I better go play.

God, I wish I believed in caffeine.

A Note to Any Guy Who I May Potentially Date in the Future

My friend Jessi just left me a hilarious voice message telling me that she would like to set me up with her chiropractor. She then went on to tell me that she has given him my website and he is going to go ahead and take a look. She assured me that she gave the man sterling reviews and raved to me that he was very Krista date-able. The whole thing made me smile until I thought about this guy - and any other brand new guy - reading my blog and being on my site.

Because, let's just say, this site is not New Guy friendly. It was built by my Ex. There is still a photo gallery filled with photos of him entitled 'My Lover'. And my blog...ohgod...as I said in my last post, my blog has been a refuge for all my heartbroken moments and messy 'letting go' journeys. It must be said that If I was a New Guy and I came to kjkonkin.com, I would leave pretty much convinced that this KJ Konkin woman was far from ready to date.

But note to any New Guy that might be reading this: I am ready to date. I will not lie to anyone and pretend that I am ready to jump into a BIG SERIOUS thing right away, because I definitly do have more letting go and healing to do. And I admit that, if after dating we seemed to want to continue, I would choose to go pretty slowly. But that is getting way ahead of the game. I am ready to date. I am ready to spend some fun, easy time with other beautiful souls. I am ready to laugh. I am ready to try again.

When I get a chance to focus on my site instead of pouring countless hours into Ptarmigan's site, I must update it. When I get a chance and maybe an external hard drive and some more RAM.

Until then, forgive my present smeared so crazily with my past. New chapters are being written. I look forward to my future.

Heart broken, yes. Given up on Love?

Don't bet on it.

Worse Than Hate

I have just worked what I think might have been a 16 hour day with another one just like it ahead of me tomorrow.
My head hurts, hy eyes hurt, my carpal tunnel hurts, my muscles ache from yesterday's hike and swim with my buddies and I am getting a strange rash on my back.
Moments ago, before opening up blogger, I burst into tears. I think it is just exhaustion, but there they were, tears, and a word that came very clearly to my heart.
The word was 'tolerate'.
It hurts me to say that word.
I think that is what Jordan did in our last months together, if not for the entire relationship. I think maybe he simply tolerated me. I wasn't loved, I was tolerated. God, that hurts. Hurts even deeper when all my masks and defenses are wittled down to nothing through too many hours of mad concentration. I would rather someone hate my guts than tolerate me. Hate has passion. And I hate him, that is, when I am not so busy loving him and missing him and...
...i know, i know...
TALKING about him. Sorry. I keep meaning to try and get through a blog without mentioning the breakup or my broken heart or Jo. It is just that I have no one to talk to out here on the island and it still hurts so much, so often. Living it out loud seems to help. I blog for my sanity.
I will think up something witty and unabashed and charmingly irreverent for my next post.
For now, I must must must shut off this DAMN computer and go to bed.
My excellent writing skills will kick in next time. Promise.
Merry Christmas...I mean...uhhhh...huh?
What month is it?
Who am I?
Is it normal when you stop feeling sensation in most your limbs?
G'dnite..
bbbbyyyeeeeeeeeee....
.....
.....
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Curmudgeon

First things first, apology to the kids that I so grumpily insulted in my last blog. Last night's hiphop class was a complete blast! These kids tried so hard and worked their butts off and by the end not only were they lookin' like little funksters, they attacked me with hugs! Everytime they saw me today they hugged me or put flowers in my hair or asked me eat lunch with them. Adorable. I was obviously just being a grumpy old man. It even calmed my nervousness at my growing maternal instincts kicking in because - you know what? - I will make a GREAT mother. I had just better get to work on that whole sex part.

Second things second, driving home tonight from another Windflower gig which made me some more money, I beheld the prettiest sunset yet this summer. The sky was so orange it looked like a movie set. I smiled and laid my head back and drove on down the island roads, encased with the spectacle in front of me. Glorious.

Life is good, if not slightly surreal sometimes. I am now sleeping in this tiny little cabin room with these two younger teen Haven of Hope staffers who listen to worship music as they fall asleep. With the camp this week being a Russian Orthadox Church camp, there have been these guys my age - the priests - walking around in the blazing sun with their long, black robes and crucifixes. Wierder yet, I have had these priests in their robes come up to me and declare that the hiphop class was 'TOTALLY AWESOME'. I have performed to crowds of people who don't watch or clap or even acknowledge that the music is occurring and then I walk away with a pay cheque. Sometimes I almost feel guilty because I am not convinced that they saw us playing at all. What is also surreal is that after it all, I am single again, back out there on my own. Or that last night, needing something to inspire me, I ended up going back and reading my blogs from last year at this time. It ended up being my own words from a Krista Back Then to help lift the Krista Right Now up off the floor. I laughed especially hard at the blog post about being stuck in the Bay. I also noted with much sobriety how much time I spent in my relationship with Jo doubting it, feeling trapped by it, not appreciating it. Oh yes, life is good and surreal and I have painted every square inch of its canvas with this current reality - whether or not I think I have.

Some other random things I am grateful for right now: my tan, not having to sleep tonight in a bed with bedbugs, the consistently warm weather, the friends that have come to Pender and the fact that I get to hang out with them tomorrow, my awesome half-loofah-half-soap thing I got from Marty for my birthday, wireless internet, that in my fantasies I can get back together with anybody I want to (so there.), the ability to download boxsets on Limewire, a job that allows me to sleep in, a chance to see Alex and Emma and Sean, grape slushies from the gas station, featherbeds so thick and squishy that you almost drown in the middle of them, watermelon and, of course, music.

Oh, and the invention of the Blog.

Wouldn't want to forget that one:)

Alternatives To The Condom

Oh heaven help me...I am about to go upstairs and teach about 70 kids a hiphop class to music I have yet to hear.

These children have been here all week and suddenly the secluded little camp full of crickets and stars has turned into a ZOO. Everywhere you go, there are more kids. They are so loud. So loud, that many of the staff here have stolen away to find hiding spots to eat our meals. In fact, tonight for supper, I have decided it isn't really worth facing the dining hall and am going to skip my meal all together. If ever I thought I was starting to want to have a baby, being part of a camp like this makes me wonder if I really have true clue. Then again, I wouldn't have 70 kids, I would only have one. Plus, one needs to be having sex to have babies. So, I really have no worries, do I?

Bonnie from the kitchen just popped her head in my office and informed me that the supper that I am choosing to skip is going to be 'super fun'. It seems that the meal is spaghetti tonight and the trick is for every camper to try and eat it with a random kitchen utensil other than the obvious fork. Hmmmmmm. All I can hear is my mother's voice saying LORD LOVE A DUCK. I think skipping is a good idea.

Gotta update my Konkin's Finds list on the site because I am bumping into all sorts of good new musicians on myspace. I know, I know...how dare I get sucked into the dark side of myspace.com...but I have. All these people show up asking to be my friend and ushering my along to different music sites where I am discovering creatives that I would never have known existed otherwise. Ah, web 2.0...'tis a glorious thing.

Not much more to say tonight about my life. I am chuggin' along. Been very tempted to contact my ex because somedays I miss him so much that I think I might die. But I figure if he wanted to see me he would contact me and he isn't because he has, of course, moved on. Perhaps before I take off in the fall I will try to see him...just to update his face in my memory...and, who knows, maybe by that time I won't even wish anymore for his face to be the first one I see when I wake. Other than the boring Jordan misery blah blah blah that I bore you with, I am simply working hard in the office, building onto the website, updating the Newsletter, planning our cancer survivors camp at the end of the month and doing gigs. Another one tomorrow. A wedding....

On the topic of weddings - congrats to Sharmaine and Sonia Bee. Sharmaine was propsed to this past long weekend and Sonia Bee is giving it her second try with a fellow I have yet to meet. Both of them will be married in Toronto which means with them and Jennie moving, I will have a reason to return to the city of smog once again. Ah, Toronto. Ah, weddings.

Ah, hiphop with a bunch of rowdy kids. I think I am being called to go up and start. Wish me luck.

That or a quick death, whichever might prove least painful.

Somethin' Fishy

I am having a memory...

Aidan and I had a pet fish. It was -- I can't remember - one of those kinds that attacks and eats other fish so you have to put alone in their own tank. It was vicious, but beautiful. It looked like a liquid rainbow. We named it something funny. What was it? Why can't I remember? Butch, maybe. Something tough, like you might name a bulldog. Anyway, we stuck it in a vase with a water lily or peace lily or something like that...some sort of plant that survives well with its roots growing strictly in water. All these details I can hardly recollect, but I can see that vase and that fish sitting in our living room on the coffee table clear as a bell.

I will also never forget coming home, going to feed the fish and not being able to find the fish in the vase. It boggled me because where exactly could the fish have gone? I mean, how far could it possibly get? I looked and puzzled and looked and then - ohgod - I saw it. It was dead...squished at the bottom of the river rocks that we were told should sit at the bottom of the fish bowl. I sorta recoiled in horror when I saw it. Then I sat on the couch and furrowed my brow. How did our fish end up at the BOTTOM of the rocks? Did it wiggle its body through all the crevices down to the bottom? Was it looking for food? Was it insane? Or was it so miserable, trapped in this little glass vase and fated to be a house decoration, that it simply took its own life? Did our little fish self-destruct?

Not sure why I am thinking about that fish tonight. I have never figured out how it occurred - the fish's death. I suppose I never will...

But I can't help but wonder If when I walked away from Aidan, I was walking away from the best man that ever happened to me. I wonder if I then fell in love with a glass jar full of rocks.

Tonight I can't help but wonder If I am the fish.

Karl's Barn Dance, Erectile Dysfunction and Other Mysteries

The barn dance was hilarious. It was like going to a big wedding reception in the middle of a small, rural town. It was an All Ages event and I have to say ALL AGES were definitly there. As I spun around like a crazy girl, I saw every imaginable type and age of person. On the right we had the very, extremely old seniors of the community and on my left, several young families dancing about with their infants. There were the sullen teenagers who were obviously finding this all sooooooo uncool and the middle aged parents who mostly ran around looking stressed and were probably in charge of keeping the event running. There was the obvious Pender hippie crowd with their tie-dyed everything and long beards and laid back smiles. I even saw a few young, hip, urban couples who I guess were just on the island for the weekend and thought they might check this 'barn dance' thing out. It was bizarre. It was a hoot. Mostly, It was a memory in the making.

Last night, I went to Eric's camp site and hungrily ate up all the feels, smells, sights and sounds of camping. The weather remains ideal and last night was filled with eating smokies and roasting marshmellows, hot tubbing at Poet's Cove and getting all toasty by an evening fire while looking at the stars and talking about...what else??...sex. We talked about attraction and psychology and the pressure young men feel to have rock hard erections all the time. We talked about what constitutes 'good' sex and 'bad' sex and why it seems everyone's sex life ebbs and flows. We talked about our broken hearts and wondered out loud if either one of us will ever have sex again. Then, silently, I saw us both go to that forbidden place in our heads, where we can't help but wonder if our exes were having sex, just not with us. We talked and talked and even sat in silence and the fire roared and my clothes soaked in the wood smoke smell and when I lay my head down on the pillow at midnight I fell into a very heavy, dense sleep. It was good. Thank God for my friends.

Of course, with all that talk, I had wierd, twisted sex dreams about Jordan and so I feel very strange this morning. Jeezuz. Ah well, holiday Monday and after working this morning I am off to Victoria which I always enjoy visiting. Looks like my brother may be trying to fly me to Calgary from the 13th - 18th as it seems I am going to have a stretch of days off. If that happens, I will immediately be back at Pender on the 19th and here until the end of the month. Busy month. Which is a good thing. Keeps me moving forward instead of devising ways that I might wrap myself in a parcel naked and deliver myself to Jo's apartment with a big LOVE ME! banner strapped to my chest...or thinking up ploys to fall into some harmless, but seemingly serious, coma that would inspire him to rush to my side at the hospital where he would come to his senses, shake me out of my coma, ask me to marry him and we would live happily every after on a gulf island napping in hammocks and growing joyfully old together.

See, I told you it's good that I'm busy.

What A Wonderful World

Really, I have had some magical moments the past couple of days.

I have watched killer whales leap and splash and play while sitting in the sun on the ferry. It was this totally free, spontaneous, magical occurance. While I watched these magnificent creatures, I couldn't help but have the thought "I ain't at Buffalo Pound Lake anymore..." It was a happy moment.

I have sat on the beach in my bikini with the girlz and talked about sex. One of summer's greatest pleaures.

I have toured a vineyard full of European-esque terraces facing the ocean. I have sung for folks as they sipped their Merlot and allowed myself to belt What A Wonderful World and truly mean it.

I have sat on dock at sunset with a good friend and watched the sailboats languidly slip by... I have curled up in the shade and had a nap, letting sleep take me away if only for while. I am now writing this moments before I get ready for a real, live barn dance. Life has been full of such joyful, warm moments. I am not too blind to see them. I acknowledge how good it is all is, even when my heart is a long way off from being healed.

The part that is still wounded wishes I could be sharing all these incredible experiences with him. Kinda like all these fantastic experiences aren't less than whole without him, but would be made that much better with him by my side. I can't help but wish I could have seen his face when the whales started to put on their show. I long for him to be sitting in one of my audiences beaming with pride, someone to sing my love songs to. How lovely to steal away to a shady spot together and lay wrapped in each others arms as that cool BC breeze lulls us into a scrumptious catnap. So, there it is. July 1st, Canada Day...four full months after he walked out of our life and our home and I still miss him. And I ask again, like I have so many times before, will this pain ever fade? Will I ever stop wishing him into my present, keeping him alive in my past? Does he miss me? Are there stunning moments so far in his summer that he can't help admit would have been made that much greater with my hand in his? Could it be possible that one day he will wake up and completely change his mind?

I know, I know. These are the questions that keep me from moving on and I promise I won't dwell on them because I guess I know the answers...either way, I am grateful for enough healing that I can enjoy the precious life that is happening around the questions.

I am off to the barn dance...will let you know how that turns out...

Yeehaw!