What Fools These Mortals Be

Holy freakin' Cow. I just got home from Bard on the Beach's performance of A Midsummer Night's Dream and it was gooooooooooooooooooood. The Direction was excellent, the Design was captivating, the performances were delivered with complete conviction, enthusiasm and flair. There was nothing mundane about this show, nothing lazy, no easy road taken. I was impressed and inspired and exhausted. Kudos to Brent David who could not have thought up a more perfect 30th birthday gift for me. Sitting beside a hot guy at a stellar Shakespearean show on a midsummer night's eve is a dream. Thank you Brent David. You are scrumptious.

And now I am going to let go of my birthday. 'Tis done.

I love the sun. It is making my broken heart heal at a much faster pace and giving me a great tan to boot! I even went swimming today. Yeehaw! l love swimming. I love summer. I love the smell of coco butter and I love having sand all over my floors and I love diving into a cool lake. I love slightly damp clothes from your wet bathing suit underneath and sitting on patios and aloe vera and being blonde. I love the warmth and the energy that the sun gives me to try and have a great day despite the hole in my heart. I love warm evenings and keeping my patio door open all the time and a beach so hot that it burns your feet and washing my car with only a bucket and a good friend. I love summer.

As for the bedbugs...hmmmmmm. I had friends stay over last night and they stayed in my bed even though I told them they could get bitten depending on whether or not the chemicals have done their job. They were totally unconcerned and chose to crash anyway. This morning they told me that they didn't feel bitten, but that they did see one crawling on the bed full of blood. In addition to that news is the fact that Annemarie has been bitten lately and Jessi is also getting bites every now and then. So, that is my neighbours downstairs and across the hall now affected. Which means they (the bedbugs not the neighbours) are in the walls and they are spreading. Sounds like a B Grade horror movie, I know, but there it is. I have no other choice tonight but to sleep in my bed for confirmation and then, I guess, call the exterminators again for another spray. Not that spraying is going to help if the whole building is infested. I am also thinking of getting a new mattress or these allergy covers for my mattress which would seal the mattress off and discount the mattress from the equation of where the heck they are coming from...

I know you probably read this and think - freakin MOVE Konkin! But if I move and in doing so transfer one little item that harbours a bedbug or even a bedbug EGG, then I simply transfer the problem to a new apartment. I can't seem to run from the little devils. Thank God I am still able to escape to Pender.

Will let you know what my sleep tonight produces. Tomorrow I get to see Carman J. Price perform at the Jazz Festival and visit with my Toronto buddy Jackie for the evening. And it is supposed to keep on being sunny alllllllllllllll week. I think I am going to get Annemarie to set me up with one of her Californian guy friends so that I can be lured south where it is summer every day.

Ahhhh, all the infections that the sun soaks up...

Prayer For The Fallen

I must say, with all the angst that I entered this weekend holding in the palm of my little hand, I am leaving this weekend with a heart swollen in gratitude. This weekend was filled with music and tears and inspiration, sweat and oceans and moonlit chapels. Last night I stood under a vine covered terrace with a million dollar view of the Pacific Ocean at sunset and sang away all my pain. Craziest part was that at the end of the night I was handed a big, fat cheque to top it all off. It was more than fun and it was more than healing. It was all mine and no one can take that away from me.

The day today just continued in that vein, sitting under trees in the shade with the sun beating down (miracle of miracles!) making music. I made new friends and started to put a melody to my poem from a few weeks ago. Then tonight, I sang with some very talented songwriters in a chapel without walls and a few rickety pews. Standing back from it, I had to agree with Shari Ulrich who observed the feeling that we were all part of some snapshot in time. Canadian songwriters gathered on this secluded island on a dark evening in a unfinished chapel under some pretty amazing Red Cedars making spectacular music. It was transcendent. Like the lyrics of one of the new songs performed tonight stated..."it might be the devil's music, but it's the way I pray".

I am almost frightened to face Vancouver tomorrow.

I also wanted to share part of my sequel email from Dean. Like I said yesterday, having had Dawson on my mind lately, I have consequently had Dean on my mind as it was only the magic of Dawson that gave me the strength to get over that boy. My current heartbreak is only paralleled by my loss of Mr. Balkwill all those years ago. Anyway, after his first email inquiring about my wellbeing post-you-know-who, he sent me a follow up email filled with these wise words about partnership and marriage and love. Here is a taste...

A relationship is a HUGE compromise.
No two people will ever think exactly alike. It's
impossible. When you are in your wooing stage we are
very accommodating. A little later accommodating turns
into why do I have to be the one to change which turns
into I thought I new you but I guess I don't. Krista,
I am not sure why I got so lucky to find my other half
and who is also willing to do what it takes to stay
together. IT IS FRIKIN HARD!! I screw up A LOT. And I
know she does too. But doesn't everybody. Why then
break up only to go after someone else who will also
screw up. The grass is never greener. What ever you do, do
not try to love someone the way you want to be loved.
Love them the way THEY want to be loved.

He then goes on to say stuff that I probably won't type because it is blush-worthy. I always loved that about Dean. 99% of the time that man makes me feel desired and adored, even when he is married to someone else. Unlike my current Ex who makes me feel like a neutral, sexless lump of invisible blah. Ah, Dean. How I loved you then and how I love you now.

If all weekends could be like this I would get to have my Joy back. I will leave you with the lyrics of the final song I sang tonight...a pretty little sweetgrass ballad called Prayer For The Fallen that I sang with a knowing that ran so very deep...

It's a journey
I am on
The sign says hurry
But the train's already gone

So I wander
Down this lonesome road
Searhcing for some shelter
A place to lay my load

Hear me calling
Praying for relief
Your child has fallen, Lord,
Blinded by my grief

I am ready
To free my soul
Give you my burden
Let you make me whole

Sweet forgiveness
Cleanse my mind
Love is the savior
I only hope to find

Hear me calling
Praying for relief
Your child has fallen, Lord
Blinded by my grief.

Dawson City Blues

Thought alot about Dawson today...

Hung out in a hot tub with people ranging in age from 19-22 and was instantly transported back to that age myself which, of course, means being transported back to Dawson.

Taking part in the songwriters camp, I keep coming back to the one song of my own that I can't let go of...the one I wrote when I found out Jamie was dead. And where there is Jamie, there is Dawson.

Right before I opened up my computer to blog the folks upstairs started in on a rousing rendition of Sweet Home Alabama. In all its muffled glory, I couldn't help but smile a sad smile. The song that sent us home every night from the Midnight Sun...ah, that song can take me back faster than almost anything else.

All day I have been there in my head...standing on the Dempster Highway beside the ruined truck, our camping gear spread for miles...ordering Dawson Dogs at 3am surrounded by my crazy friends, writing poetry on the dock in the rain protected by the wing of a float plane, making love in tents, dancing and dancing and dancing and dancing...backstage at the shows and missing Kirklind, Derick showing up at the Downtown Hotel in the middle of the night for no other reason than that I asked him to, freedom from any sign of a 'real' world, parties and parties and parties and parties...the heartbreak of that truck crash or watching Kirk's truck pull away on the ferry for another long week away or Jamie kissing me mysteriously goodbye one night...knowing now that I will never see him again, will never get to hold Kirk again, will never be in Dawson again - not like I was back then. It is a chapter that ended long ago and still, every now and then, I still ache in my gut with how much I miss it, with how much I mourn my youth, with how resistant I still am to letting it go.

But we all know by now that letting go has never been my strong suit.

Waiting For The Easier

So last night I got bitten. But only once. One bite. And I think I caught the fucker when I woke up. Squished it between my fingers and squirted my own blood all over the place. Called the exterminators and asked if that means that it didn't work, but they assured me that the chemicals need a week to truly kill them all. I am ... I feel ... I don't...

Fuck. Whatever. I would tell you that I am at my wit's end, but I have said that so many times now that I am obviously not because I seem to still be pulling wit out of my ass. But I am just so ... sad? I dunno. Fuck. Whatever. Stupid ass bedbugs. Stupid ass love. Stupid. Dumb. Stupid. Mother Fucker. Fuck.

(insert tempertantrum here)

At least this weekend we are co-facilitating a retreat out here for songwriters...check out the site...

Red Cedar Songwriting Camp

Cool to be around all these creative people walking around humming and creating and laughing and having the time of their lives. Must leave now, actually, to attend one of their evening concerts. Too bad happy people make me nauseous.

Ok, will write again soon, maybe when I have more to say than bitchbitchbitch, whinewhinewhine.

Gettin' High, Gettin' Good

Maybe I am just high from the chemicals left behind from the fumigation that happened here today, but tonight seems like the first night of the rest of my life.

Walking back into my apartment after vacating it for the handful of hours that I was required, the place looked suddenly different to me. It reminded me of the place when I first took possession of it in October of 2004. It seemed sort of empty, but not in the empty way that it has felt since the night Jordan left. It seemed empty in that way that is filled with potential...like an empty stage when the lights first go up, an empty canvas waiting as the painter approaches with brush in hand, an empty lot that has yet to have its ground broken and the first pillars of a home put in place. Kind of like the emptiness of that silence that precedes a very first kiss, filled with a future untouched by two people who are about to create one together. When I moved in here in October, I felt like I was finally getting on with my life. It was my apartment and this was my city and it was my job. Tonight, for some reason, the apartment has that energy. And when I don't think of the bedbugs or the fumes that are probably inducing my high or my smug ex-boyfriend who so eagerly crashed my happy place ripped it to shreds and skipped away with his other girlfriends...when I don't think like that I almost feel like I could be handed back my life.

Watching One Tree Hill just before blogging, they were talking about Hemingway and how he employed a 'less is more' approach to writing. The characters were asked to describe in one word what they want most in their lives currently. Seems like an awesome Konkin Question to post (if anyone ever answers the question that I have up right now...I think people have forgotten about kjkonkin.com and all its other goodies...and who can blame them...it's been so long...). So, I ask myself - what do I want - right now - in one word? Man, a few weeks ago I would have easily answered "Jordan". Not tonight. Tonight I am wrestling with a few words...

Freedom seems like a good one.
Love is always a safe pick, but kind of vague.
Revenge comes to mind, but I laugh that away, knowing it is only my Ego speaking.
Answers perhaps, but then again, Rilke had a point when he advised us to let go of answers and 'live the questions'.
ecstasy sounds better than good, but I have no faith in its sustainability.

Contentment I think wins. Simple, sweet, perfect. That is the heaven I believe in. Contentment with What Is.

What's your word?

More on the Bedbug Saga

The exterminators are coming in tomorrow.

I am having to be very aggressive to ensure that the bill doesn't become my problem and, needless to say, my property managers are none to happy about it. It is gonna mean alot of effort on my part, too, as I have to launder everything I can get my hands on AGAIN for the 14th time. This is so frustrating, but It will cause me just as much stress, time and money to move out at this point. At least I have Pender to go to for most of the summer...sleeping on my couch is getting old.

Other than that, life keeps going. The sun is trying to pop out its head and people are mowing their lawns. I feel very tired, on a soul level, and have been waking up consistently again with nausea and a heart full of saddness. I push ahead, make myself get out of bed, the works. Everyone tells me I am going to be okay. I know I seem much more okay than I really am. That is either the actress or the survivor in me, pretending, I can't decide. I miss my partnership. I hate being alone in the daily ins and outs of life. But these are just the same things that I have been feeling for a while now and I suppose, at some point, they will have to fade away.

I will keep you updated on how the bedbug extermination goes...I won't go out without a fight. That's for damn sure.

It Sucks To Be Me

Ever heard of a musical called Avenue Q??
It is totally my favorite new show...I am currently listening to a song called It Sucks To Be Me and I am sorta laughing and crying all at the same time. The song followed another song called What Do You Do With a BA English?. There is another song called Purpose with a lyric about Finding Me...purrrrfect!...some of my other favorite songs include The Internet is for Porn, There's A Life Outside Your Apartment, Everybody's A Little Bit Racist and a beautiful heartbreak song called There's A Fine, Fine Line with lyrics that scream out my life soundtrack:

There's a fine, fine line
Between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line
between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top
If it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line
Between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line
Between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between
"you're wonderful" and "goodbye"
I guess if someone doesn't love you back,
It isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line
between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time
To waste on you anymore
I don't think that you even know
what you're looking for
For my own sanity,
I've got to close to the door
and walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line
Between together and not,
And there's a fine, fine line
Between what you wanted
And what you got,
You gotta go after the
Things you want while
You're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line
Between love
And a waste of time.

I love it!! Ah, this turning 30 thing has been hard, but I am surviving it. The bedbugs are back full force, so Monday will be about hiring professional help. That is distressing, but then again, so much is distressing these days. Ah well. I am starting to get used to it. My friends have been great and really trying to put out lots of effort to make this birthday good and I love them for it. But it just hurts. Suppose I will just listen to this bitter little musical, scratch my bites and keep on waiting. Like Avenue Q's finale song says:

"Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied,
Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside...
Each time you smile,
It'll only last a while.
Life may be scary,
But it's only temporary
Everything is life is only For Now."

A New Decade, An Age Old Question

What does this year hold for me?
Will I leave Vancouver?
Will I go back to school?
Will I get to the point where I don't wake up every morning slightly nauseous at the thought that my last relationship was a big joke and I was the punchline?
Will I meet the one that I will choose to grow old with forever and for always?
Will being onstage with Windflower reignite my old feelings for theatre and for the spotlight?
Will I pay off my credit line?
Will my brother be able to wake up from the nightmare that is Megan and find himself safely on a peaceful shore?
Will my mother remain healthy and strong?
Will Shelley become part of the 404 Gang and will Jen really move to Toronto?
Will the Centre hire a great leader?
Will the bedbugs ever totally go away?
Will the thirties really be easier than the twenties like everybody tells me they will?
Will being back on this site inspire me or hurt me?
Will Caitlin and Carman, SJ and Matt, Jennie and Eddie stay together?
Will I ever have sex again?
Will I have to start wearing glasses this year?
Will I have the bravery to love again as completely as I did knowing how totally it can crush me if the person leaves?
Will the pain ever completely disappear?
Will delight be mine again?