The End

this is a goodbye blog. there will be no more blog and there will be no more kjkonkin.com. this is a goodbye blog and i have come to say goodbye. i began all this in an attempt to find myself. i have not. i have not even come close. and this weekend i lost the only thing left in this city that gave me the strength to wake up in the morning despite it all.

what do i say and how do i say it? jordan has left. he has called it quits and walked out the door. as i type this he is at our apartment he is in our home and he is moving all his stuff out. he is leaving. he has left. he leaves because he does not feel 'it' because even though he loves me he does not want a future with me because in the wholeness of his feelings for me there is something missing. he can not put name to what is missing, but it has been missing since the beginning and he is done with trying to feel it. he is gone and he has left and i have had to watch it happen because there is nothing i can do or be or say or negotiate. he does not love me enough. the end.

my pain is beyond any pain i have experienced in my life yet. for the first time in my life i allowed myself to love and dream and stay and stay and stay and believe and desire and i have had my heart broken. i have had someone take a look at my heart say no thanks and hand it back. for every man in my past that i have left, hurt, betrayed i am being repayed. i am humiliated and shamed and alone and alone and not enough. i have failed at everything i have touched in Vancouver and now i have failed this love. i ache. i reel. i cry tears that choke me. my friends are worried and they help me. they hold me as i cry. but all i want is him to love me. to come back and tell me this is a mistake. to build a home with me and build a life with me and choose me. choose me. tonight instead he packs his boxes and leaves. he destroys our home, takes half and leaves me emails about wanting to be friends. i read them and i cry. i try to sleep and i cry. when i do sleep i wake up and don't know where i am and then i remember. he is gone. i will never make love to him again. we will never start JoDesign and we will not build a home together and someday some woman will have the 'it' that I don't have and she will get to experience what I will never experience again.

i feel i must leave vancouver. i do not love my job and can't go back to job hunting. i can not be in the apartment. i can not be on this website. i look at the DVD store where we would rent movies and i cry. i look at the grocery store where we shopped for groceries and i cry. it all hurts. hurts. hurts. i must go. go towards what i do not know. i love BC. but i don't know. i belong nowhere. i can not stay. i don't know where to go. i have nothing. i don't even recognize myself anymore. i am lost. lost and alone and sad and broken. i have very little money but i can not keep working at a job that brings me no joy and then come home to an empty home full of ghosts. i will not. i can not stay. i don't know where to go.

i love him and he does not want it. i would beg him but it will do no good. i would wait but i would be making a fool of myself. our cookie dough and our OC obsession and the Centre and talks and cuddles on the couch and our ho-em-ba and the joy we got after being away at basking in its safeness and the laughing and the design projects till the wee hours of the morning and our bums in the air and playing house in Coquitlam and sharing with each other our secret dreams and our hard days at work and just the smiling and the kissing and the dancing oh the dancing and all of the tiny little non-important things that make up a very normal day and week and month all those things are gone. because he does not feel 'it' our life together has been ripped away and i have not been allowed to have anything to say about it. like a small child i cry and cry and cry. like a woman i start to believe that love ain't worth it.

i am angry that he asked me to love him. i hate him for begging me to have the courage to jump in and not run. why? why!? why do that if you can't reciprocate? i am pissed off that it was him that wanted to move in together couldn't wait to move in together and that all his actions seemed to point toward a man who was in love and was happy and was in this for good. i have been tricked and for that i want to make him suffer and suffer and suffer. he says this hurts him but it is just his guilt he feels. he has thrown away everything but all he feels is guilt. he is a fool and i pray he will wake up one day soon and see what a mistake he has made. what a tragic mistake. i am angry.

but i am mostly sad. i am mostly terrified. i see that this is compounded by the fact that he was a very last thread to hang on to. i was finding me and instead i have lost more than i could have imagined. tomorrow i walk into my apartment while he flies to mexico and i will i have no tables, no bikes hanging from my walls, no arm chair, no clothes on the right side of the closet, no bookshelf, no green hoodie on the hook, no jordan to be found. i dread tomorrow. i dread the day after tomorrow. ohgod. it hurts. i just want him to come back. i just want this to all go away. he is gone. he is leaving. he is gone.

Goodbye. Goodbye. A chapter closes. My heart breaks. So much ends. And when all is done, there are no more words.

Frey Okay

I gotta do it because this is what blogs are for.

I didn't want to make a comment until I was done reading the book myself and checking up on a few things first. Still, I am most likely speaking much too quickly and impetuously. I don't care. I have to say something before I go to bed.

A Million Little Pieces. James Frey. Finished in tonight. I completely understand why Oprah called him 'the man that was keeping her up at nights'. Oprah is easily a personality that borders on addictive and is obsessively driven. I see this in her as I am both of those things myself. When I latch on to something, I go overboard and am passionate to the point of blindness. People like us, and there are millions of us, were affected by this book. I read this book in a few days, giving up hours of sleep. Its pace, the way it talked, thought, ran...the way it lived on the page the way a mind does - it was infectious. The book pulled me in. It kept me there. And for a book about addiction that seems appropriate and superbly executed. After I finished it tonight I felt hung-over and slightly nauseous.

Maybe that is because of this controversy. Maybe it is because I lived so much of that six weeks in rehab with James. I don't know. Thing is this. Memoir or not, the book has affected people positively. Period. Period. Period. I am not saying Truth does not matter, but Truth is grey, not black and white and Truth is individual and Truth is a feeling not a fact. And I know many and most of you reading this will disagree and that is okay because that is Your Truth. My Truth is that, fabricated or not, somehow Mr. Frey created something that has rung True for thousands and thousands of people. If something in it rang True for them and helped lead them to peace, happniess, joy and surrender then GOOD ON YOU JAMES FREY. You can be a liar and a saint and an addict and an artist and a success and a coward and a joke and a hero all at the same time. That is what makes Humanity so exciting and mysterious and beautiful. I saw the book trying to get across that message. I got the message. The message is what matters. But no. No, no, no, no. Instead we are going to focus on the facts that aren't exact and the exageration of a root canal. We are going to run away from The Message because we are all more concerned with being Right and Miserable than maybe being Wrong and Happy.

This is how I was raised. 'There is no excuse for ignorance'. It is better to KNOW and have it make you feel alone and afraid than to NOT KNOW and feel joy. I watched my family hurt each other to prove their point. Faith was a swear word in my family. Facts, Science, Intellectualizing everything until every bit of magic was sucked out of it was what I was taught to believe in.

Well, no more. I refuse to be right and miserable. I don't care if I lose a debate based on structured research. I am learning to trust the validity in what I feel over what I think and especially what I think I know. I am learning that I would rather spend my life happy happy happy happy because I believed than superior and correct, believing nothing and dead inside.

Read the book yourself and make up your own mind. I reserve no judgment on James Frey and will conclude by saying this book reminded me of the strength that is inside of each and every one of us, insdie of Me...reminded me that it is up to each one of us to Write Our Own Bible.

And for that, lies or not, I am deeply grateful.

The Knowing

Often people ask 'how do you know you are in love?'

They often get the answer, 'you just know.'

Often people ask 'how did you know this was the person you were supposed to marry?'

They often get the answer, 'I just knew.

I have given this pat answer countless times, but what do I - and others - mean by it? What is this Knowing? Does this Knowing come right away or can it evolve slowly? If you don't have this Knowing, but are dallying more in the areana of 'Perhaps', then is that a sure sign you are pointed in the wrong direction? And can this Knowing be applied to career?

For instance, I have no such Knowing about Real Estate. I like that it can make me money, allow me set my own hours and I enjoy homes so that helps. It is viable and possible and the widest door open to me right now. But I do not LOVE it. If it were a person I would most definitely not feel comfortable committing to it for the rest of my life. So, does that mean I am wasting my time by settling and should be holding out for The One or do I stick with this For Now because it is what is in front of me?

And is it true that if Jordan doesn't have any knowing about Me and Us and Our Future currently, that he never will? Is it just fear that keeps us together when we are both secretly suspecting that Jordan's lack of The Knowing is irreversable, unchangable and the obvious point of exit?

What about not Knowing if children are something you want to have? Does a woman just Know? Can a woman abhor children for the first 30 years of her life and then, suddenly, one day, wake up to find herself dreaming of bassinets and rocking chairs? If your partner Knows that they don't want kids and you do, does their Knowing all but confirm that this bone of contention will ultimately break you up?

What exaclty do we Know?

And why haven't I felt a Knowing about ANYTHING in such a long time?

What Comes First, The Chicken or The Person?

Jo and I are discussing many things right now as we make Hamburger Helper - or should I call it Chicken Helper? We are discussing the awful images of the devastation that Katrina left behind reported on by Oprah today. Jordan is browning ground chicken and not feeling so great that the chicken he is using was probably raised inhumanely in a cage and force fed hormones. I am wondering why so many people worry so much about animals when they don't even have the capacity to care for the human beings that suffer along side of them everyday. We are pondering life and making supper and these are the daily moments in life that I love and I cherish and make it all worth it.

(Jordan wants me to tell you guys that our mango is a molten mush of muddy mold. He has created an alliteration and he is very proud of himself. He is also secretly proud that he had to tell me how to spell alliteration.)

I long to burrow deep into my nest sometimes and other times it is only my emotional exhaustion that keeps me from packing a bag and travelling, travelling, travelling. Perhaps I will make an impromptu trip to Calgary. Or Toronto again, like last February. Or Mexico. Ya, i wish.

(Jordan now wants me to tell you that he is happily helping harvest a hamburger helper hot dinner. Wow, my boyfriend is - this is one of our new words - aDORKable. Heehee)

Will send out my newsletter soon. Maybe tonight. Have been should-ing on myself all day. So, I will send it when I send it.

Am helping with the Media Ministry to digitize some of Rev. C's talks. Surreal to hear her voice again. Today she reminded me that if there was such thing as "God's will" then it would only be this: Do unto others as you would have done unto you. It is a simple lesson, no? Funny how impossible it seems for us to implement in our lives. I challenge each of us to keep this in our mind when resonding to, dealing with or reacting about whatever happens to us this week. How would we want to be spoken to on the phone? How would we want someone to give us feedback? What would we love for our partners to give us? Figure out your answers and then make them your outgoing actions.

(Jordan just discovered that the Hamburger Helper has MSG in it. He is suddenly not so happily harvesting our hot dinner. Oh well.)

To everyone reading this...one last question...

Is dork another word for penis?

We gotta keep asking the important questions or what will be left of our society?

Lil' Home Videos

Tonight Jo cleaned up his hard drive and reminded me that we had yet to post a couple of our lil' home videos. Here's the one taken the night of the election:



And here's all of us wishing Ian Sherwood a happy birthday:



Please make sure to hit the play button; to avoid the annoyingly incessant way the last video in my blog would play back, I've made it so this time it doesn't start until you hit play.

If you can't see the movie, Download Quicktime.

PDA and other Ponderings

It is becoming hard to find time to blog. Sad state for me when I get too busy to blog. I love to blog.

So I will touch upon a few things that have been floating around my mind lately. Ummmmm...ok...well, here is a photo I wanted to share with you because it is just sooooooo West Coast. Jo is the one standing with the guitar...



Next, I wanted to ask this: WHAT IS UP WITH PEOPLE'S PROBLEM WITH PDA? I mean, we will totally tolerate ugly, disturbing acts of violence right in front of our eyes, but GOD FORBID we should see two people embracing passionately in a public place. Why is physically expressing love so awful to so many people? I am not talking here about having sexual intercourse in a public library...I am talking about examples like today. Today, Jo and I, who were having a lovely day (which lately have been few and far between) picked up some groceries at Safeway. Standing in front of the Salsa jars, Jo was overcome with affection and reached down, took my face in his hands and kissed me. Really kissed me. It was gentle and lovely and I adorded that he didn't just shove the feeling aside simply because we were in Safeway. Suddenly we hear a lady say to us "this is a grocery store!" and walk by shaking her head. We were startled out of our kiss and felt totally shamed. Jordan immediately rebutted "as good a place than any" to the old hag, but there we were. Our lovely moment smashed because somehow kissing in North America has become inappropriate. Ug. I shake my head at this world and feel sad for the lady as I am sure much of her reaction came from a life filled with no touching, no affection and zippo passion. Sheesh.

Speaking of Jo, he leaves for Mexico in 10 days for 10 days. I want to go to Mexico. Sigh.

Yesterday something very cool happenned. Because of legal reasons and protection of other innocent parties I can not blog about it. Not yet anyway. But after a long week of the blues, it gave me an inkling of hope that my life might not be totally soul sucking.

I applied to Emily Carr yesterday. There is now a kickass portfolio on this site which I need to build in a link for so that I can share it with all y'all. It is pretty cool and I will be able to add to it when I, say, finish helping Jen interior decorate her place or build another website with JoDesign, etc, etc. I am an artist. I have a porfolio.

Getting a paycheck is wonderful. I am still haunted by not having any passion for what I am doing, but GOD it feels good to get paid. PAID. Today I bought groceries and I was able to buy whatever I wanted. Ya, that is where the above kissing story took place. I don't know. Is it a big enough pay off? Passion for money? I will have to get back to you on that one.

Been thinking about my ex alot lately, Aidan. Hi, Aidan, if you are reading this. Aidan has been in my dreams and on my mind. Not in any particular way or for any particular reason, but there he lurks none the less. Last time an ex was suddenly on my mind alot, It was Jamie and we all know what happenned with that. (For those of you that don't, when I followed up on my feeling, I found out that he had drown in a vehcile accident). I promised myself after Jamie that if I started to think about someone suddenly, out of nowhere, I would follow up on the feeling. Intuition is a strong thing. So, I may need to find out if Aidan Ian Robert Simpson is okay. Hmmmmm....

Trying to embed more little movie clips into my blog of parties that we have had. Ian Sherwood was here last weekend and it was so good to have him around again. Jo and I are playing his new CD constantly. I think we both have a little bit of a crush on Mr. Sherwood. Heehee.

That is all for now. Gotta go down to Caitlin's and drink looseleaf tea and look at pictures of Mexico. Everyone is going to Mexico. I want to go to Mexico...

Por favor?

Brokeback

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I am almost 30.

Last night I watched Brokeback Mountain and it truly devestated me. I hardly cried at all. It wasn't that. It was devestation. Devestation that we are still not able to embrace love and sexuality between people of the same sex. Devestation that Jack Twist and so many others died for being who he is. Devestation that they never had the bravery to fully commit. Devestation that, even in what they could salvage amongst this fear filled world, their love was full of a passion that my life knows nothing about. I was devestated for the world, devestated for the fictional characters that told the true story of so many people out there, devestated for myself. My Valentine's Day ended with me sobbing in the tub in the dark. Alone.

I am hanging on by a very thin thread.

A Hard Lump

I meant to blog all weekend and never quite got around to it. I was busy resisting. That is me, always busy resisting.

These health things I am dealing with (shhhhh, they are *blush* women's issues)came to a climax this weekend and in the fear that it brought I wound up in the dark, dank Konkin place of self-reflection. Saturday morning I awoke with a stressed out boyfrined who had spent his night dreaming about not being able to meet deadlines at work and a pounding headache that made me look at us from afar. Dedicated to these jobs that make us money, completly detached from anything and everything that truly matters, we were the picture of urban, 20-something culture. It made me sad. Really sad. It erupted into a frenzied rush to my Real Estate seminar and a horrible fight between us. The day was saved later by a visit to Stanley Park and a looooong nap, but the weekend proceeded with a hard lump in my chest of tar-like discontent.

Today I am back at the office, processing leads, filing for GST #s and being very grown up. The hard lump is there even though it is exciting when I consider how this particular path could repaint my picture with very different colors. I am caught between worlds - theatre and finance, independence and domesticity, bankruptcy and riches, gratitude and despair. For a year I have stayed stuck and now I am moving, but with my eyes closed...one foot in front of the other, hoping for the best. My spiritual abs have gotten flabby and my relationship is filled with work. I consistently go against my instincts because I no longer trust myself. To the outside world I am finally getting my shit together. I, on the other hand, feel like I have merely given in and joined the masses.

Is this what it feels like to find oneself?

Is this what it feels like in the face of 30?

Is this all I can expect from now on?

Is this it?

Possibility In The Air

Or is that just the sun?

Mother nature has blessed us this week with the sun. After a January that rained 29 of its 31 days, Febuary is trying its best to shed some light on our situation. This morning I awoke in my big, white, puffy bed with my gorgeous boyfriend whistling as he puttered in the bathroom and the sun pounding through our windows. I cracked the window open a touch and a breeze (dare I say spring-like?) floated in. It was a bit chilly, but my duvet kept me warm and knowing that today I have a day off I couldn't help but lay in bed and grin to myself. Today anything feels possible and I soak in that feeling.

On the topic of possibilities I thought I would share with you an excersise that I tried recently. The mission was to brainstorm without stopping to think about it, all the Jobs/Paths/Careers that you have ever had interest in or fantasized about or would pursue 'if only' . It was terribly easy for me. My page filled up instantly and I have been grinning at the results ever since. Here they are:

1.Real Estate Agent
2.Montessori School Teacher
3.High School Arts Teacher
4.Designer
5.Entrepreneur
6.Stay-at-home mom
7.Motivational Speaker
8.Reverend of Science of Mind
9.Midwife
10.Media Image Consultant/Marketing
11.Music Theatre Performer
12.Arts Administrator
13.Councillor/Psychologist
14.Art Therapist
15.Life Coach
16.Doctor Specialist Women's Health
17.Registered Massage Therapist
18.Spa Practitioner
19.Writer
20.Website Content Writer
21.Interior Designer
22.Own a B&B
23.Talk Show Host
24.Talent Agent
25.Recruiter
26.Singer/Songwriter
27.Filmmaker
28.Photographer
29.Chiropractor
30.Own a Retreat Centre
31.Journalist
32.Librarian
33.Travel Agent
34.Property Manager

I think that this will be my next Konkin Question...What would you be if you weren't what you currently are? Or if you aren't currently anything, what is one random thing that you would love to try doing for a career, even if for only one day? Ya, good question. Must get around to changing that.

Lots is changing, morphing, slowly. My nuvoring is starting to play havoc on my body and so will be terminated from employment. Not sure what I will use for birth control. Hate the pill or anything systematic, didn't have much luck getting the IUD in the first time I tried, nuvoring not good, condoms...well, condoms seem brutal when you are in a monogamous, long term partnership. Perhaps I should resort to the 1950's stand by...the good 'ol diaphram. HAHAHAHA! No.

Job is high pressure, very busy. Got my first paycheck and I held it to my bosom lovingly. A paycheck. Soon to be done my Real Estate course. Will then have to pass the exam in April. Egad. Applying to Emily Carr. Coolest part is that Jo and I are making my portfolio part of this site, so all will be able to enjoy when it is done late next week. Helping Jennie decorate her new condo which is a delight and am already growing accustomed to the music that Jessi's presence brings up though our floor.

And from here anything could happen. That is the best part of all.

Superbowl Blues

You know something is wrong with you when watching the Seattle Seahawks lose to the Steelers 10 to 21 makes you bow your head and cry. Especially when you a) could care less about NFL football b) haven't watched even one season game and c) didn't even know who was playing or who you were going to cheer for until about 3 minutes after turning on the TV. Krista doesn't cry about football. But today Krista did. Krista cried and cried.

I can hear Jessi singing downstairs. I miss singing.

Jordan is clipping his toenails. I miss Jordan.

Nobody is coming over for a 404 Movie night. I miss 404 Movie nights.

Caitlin is lying on a beach in Mexico reading. I miss Caitlin.

This morning the sun was shining threw the window and I opened it up to get a breeze in the room. Suddenly, the room was filled with the smell of Ontario fall and I missed everything about college and the feeling that my life was just beginning.

I miss my mom and I miss Kelowna and I miss making consistent money. I am aching again in my life and It sucks to see that perhaps something is ailing me that is too big for me to fix, too big for finding a job to fix and too big to just go away. I am being held prisoner by something in myself and blog as I might and search as I may, It is winning the battle.

So what next? Work tomorrow morning. The possibility that this week I might feel less like a liability and more like an asset. A doctor's appointment on Tuesday which is good because I am having scary, wierd stuff happening with my body. But what next in terms of my saddness? How long do I try to fix it with outside circumstances and when do I stop accepting that this is just as good as my life can get?

Wow

Was at a woman's thingy tonight and was giving someone my email address which spurred them to ask about my website which further inspired them to say - 'cool! your own website? whadda ya do?'

Drained from my day of faxing the wrong Real Estate documents and allowing an error to get printed and taking 5 hours to do something that should have taken 1 hour, I was silenced by the question. 'not much' i answered.

Fourteen feet away another woman asked me the same thing - whadda ya do? - this time I tried it on for size. 'I am in Real Estate Investment' I answered. Real Estate Investment, I thought to myself while this woman was busy being impressed, who are you kidding Konkin? I am an imposter. A big, boring imposter.

But there are no more choices for me. I am broke. I am hungry all the time. I need the money. And I know that I am doing what everyone else wants me to be doing. And I can't argue with them. It IS a hell of alot better than sitting here in the apartment, alone and in a panic. I must keep on. Everyone is sure that I will be a great Real Estate person. I am not as sure, but am too exhausted to search anymore.

Tonight I am feeling like the brunt of a pathetic joke. But a brunt that will be getting a paycheck soon. Dramatic me feels I have sold my soul. Undramatic me simply says, this is life, get used to it. Lost me writes about it because if it stays inside of me I will snap. Tired me is convinced that even Living Out Loud will no longer help.

There are two wolves inside of us. One is all the bitterness, hate, anger, fear and guilt we hold. The other is all the love, hope, faith, ease and joy we hold. Which one will win?? The one we feed.

I always have been better at giving advice than I have been at taking my own.

Everything Changed, Nothing Has

This week has seemed surreal. I am working for Cynthia. That is now determined. Thrust back into the world of Real Estate I am scrambling to learn her business as fast as I can. I avoid making calls to leads because it truly terrifies me. In my spare moments I do my Real Estate homework which I couldn't want to do less, because It is now imperative that I get lisenced ASAP. Yesterday I stayed at the office until 6:30 and still didn't get half of the stuff done. After work, I walked to a seminar downtown and the wind and the rain ripped my umbrella into shreds. There I was, stressed about not finishing enough, scared to have to call people today, being whipped by the rain and soaked to the bone and all I wanted to do was go home. Freaking money. It has us all by the balls.

Jordan has taken to going in early and staying late. It is awful. The only reason it hasn't totally freaked me out is because now I, too, have something to suck up my time. Silly.

Not that I am not grateful for the job. I am. Amazing opportunity really. Just gotta face my fears and doubts face to face.

Can't get this song out of my head. (hope you can hear it).

During REM last night I dreamnt that I kept having babies and Jordan, aided by my cousin Leanne, kept throwing them out. Hmmmmm, analyze that.

Jennie moves out today and into her new condo. Seems like seconds ago she was moving in. Jessica will take her place today and I will have other new neighbours across the hall. His name is Ryan. Welcome Jessica and Ryan. Welcome to the building of lost souls.

Today feels like a big day, a surreal day. First day of a brand new month. So much possibility. Money starting to flow towards me. Change is goooooood.

So why can't I breathe?