Where ever you go, there you are

I have heard it said before, countless times, that where ever you go, there you are. I know it to be true and yet I still get the urge to find a new city to move to or some random location to visit for a period of time when my heart gets sad. Take this Christmas vacation to Moose Jaw. I was hoping agaisnt hope that coming to Moose Jaw would cast a magic spell over my life and my relationship and POOF suddenly it would all fall into place. I would feel connected to Jordan and clear about my path for 2006 and Christmas itself would sprinkle happy dust on my grumpiness. I hoped that Moose Jaw would bring money and rest and friendships.

Moose Jaw has brought alot of good things, but it is true...where ever you go, there you are. And like a drug, when the 'vacation' wears off, back you go to Vancouver, to reality, and there it sits waiting for you. I hold the illusion that the city holds these unanswered questions, but the truth is, I hold these unanswered questions. Sure, I could move to Halifax. I could break up with Jordan. I could take a job at a gas station to pay my bills. But the questions will remain unanswered until they are answered and I would be best to just accept that living the questions and not desiring answers is my fastest path to freedom.

I have a few more days to live in the escape. In an hour, Jo and I go for a couple's massage and tonight to the Mineral Spa. Tomorrow mom and I are going to shop 'til we drop in Regina. But soon we will have to go back. I want so badly to have a different 2006. I want it soooooo badly. Must get out of the patterned rut I feel I am in --- the one that leaves me feeling dull and mediocre. Not sure what that will look like, but I am excited for the upcoming year. I have cocooned long enough. Something's gotta give. Change is in the wind.

There is alot of other stuff in the wind, but that is mostly due to the types of food we've been eating...

2 More Sleeps

I'm here, I'm here. I didn't die. I didn't even totally go into hiding. I simply dog-sat for a week and then flew to Moose Jaw becoming immediately inundated with family visiting and the like. Tonight, we are staying in, exhausted, and doing nothing. Well, not nothing. I am blogging. Touching base with my 'public'. Ahhh, come on, you can leave a girl with her delusions.

Guess I don't even really have anything really deep to say. Being home is nice. It doesn't really feel like Christmas. The holiday has yet to take the general numbness from my heart. I am gaining lots of weight. In contemplation, I have looked back at 2005 and been mourning a loss of integrity on my part. Jordan is reading a computer book. Mom is watching Seinfeld. Must manifest a job that i will love. Or simply one that I will keep. Being back reminds me of being here in 2004 when I was full of passion for life. I am aware of how my passion has deadlined...is that the word? Like those heartbeat monitors when the beeping just suddenly becomes one, long, continuous tone.

beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Want to believe 2006 will be different, will bring me all I desire or the freedom from desire itself. Want to believe my relationship will find new growth instead of fading off into a dull grey and that I will make more money in the next 12 months than I ever have. Want to have expectations, but I am terrified of failing. So, I attempt to stay calm and just allow it to unfold as it will.

But before I do that let me declare to the Universe - I WANT IT TO GET BETTER, CLEARER, EASIER and FULL OF MORE PASSION!!!!!!! PLEASE LET ME CO-CREATE A 2006 THAT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE 2005!!!!!! PLEASE.

Am off to force feed photo albulms of my childhood to Jordan. Could be worse, I could have dragged him to the Mineral Spa and made him float around with a bunch of strange people for a fee. Oh, poor Jordan. (Why am I always worrying about him?)

2 more sleeps. If we don't speak before then, Merry Holidays or Happy Christmakah or whatever. Good luck, whatever you do.

Life Without My iBook

I am currently house-sitting/dog-sitting in Coquitlam and due to not knowing the password for the wireless am not able to get onto my iBook. Am stealthily using my cousin's Justin's Dell to quickly access email and let the world know that I may not be able to blog quite as much this week...which I will take as a blessing of sorts...

Will talk soon. All is essentially well. A bit grumpy but things are looking up. Sorta concerned about the Dog I am sitting - she was very sick this weekend and now doesn't seem to be poo-ing. Ah, concerned about poo. That about sums up my December.

Till my iBook and i are together once more...

A Pain In My Neck

I still can't move my neck!
What have I done?
What can this mean?

I researched a mind/body connection and found this:

Generally, the "pain in the neck" comes from old judgments that we're trying to let go of. We go towards new discernment, new ways of looking at things, but the old ones just circle around and give us a pain in the neck. Because you are fairly successful, your judgments could have to do with experimentation, and facing the possibility of failure. Are there any risks in your business that you wanted to take a couple of years ago? Do you still think of changing anything there or in the physical living environment at home?

Innerchangemag.com

Hmmmmm. Interesting.

Thank you to the 404 gang - and Eric - for a lovely night last night. Sure, what we mostly did was share how miserable we all are...but at least in that short period of time I was not alone. It is lonely here. In my apartment. Inside my head. Thankful for my friends. Thankful that I am not the only one that is struggling.

Not going to do anything today. Nope. Just don't have it in me. Just relax my freakin' neck. Read. Maybe. Nothing. I'm tired. So tired.

"We are most attractive when we are not hungry." - Marianne Williamson

Hmmmmm...and me with brownies on the counter.

circles circles circles

After discovering that I have exactly $18 in my chequing account, I had a shitty night.

Today I went out to buy a paper to look for jobs and milk. I also bought Egg Nog in a pathetic attempt to feel Christmas-y. So I suppose that i now have more like $10. Wow.

So, I ask myself this. How have I ended up here again? I will assume if Aidan is reading this, he is laughing at me right now. Suppose I deserve it.

In Toronto, I melted down. Why? Because I didn't know where I belonged, what I wanted or how I was going to pay rent. I freaked out because I saw that I had stopped dreaming for myself. I had so totally attached to my current relationship that I had completely forgotten what I wanted. I was broke and miserable and, even though i loved Aidan, I did not, at all, love myself. So I ran away. I moved to Vancouver. I started this blog. I attempted to start fresh.

And this morning I woke up and realized that as I usher out this year, I am right back where I started. I am broke, I do not know where I belong or what I should be doing. I spend more time taking care of my boyfriend than I do myself, mostly because I don't have anything else to focus on. My boyfriend doesn't desire me and why should he? I wouldn't desire me either. He went hiking today with a female friend of his. It was good to know he could escape me. If I could escape me, I would.

I am afraid,folks, that I haven't learned anything. You guys have probably known this all along.

So, here I am. About six months of melting down. Perhaps a lifetime of melting down.

( gawd...watching this disgustingly chirpy made-for-TV movie about happy families holding hands and skating while singing carols. No wonder the suicide rate is so high at Christmas.)

So - my silver lining?

Mandarins and egg nog?
Some owed income coming in the new year?
A warm apartment?
Hugs from my mom in a couple short weeks?

Truth is, I am terrified. There doesn't need to be a silver lining. It is what it is.

Going in circles. circles. circles. circles. circles. circles.

WASSUP PEOPLE?

I am so confused.

Why, when over 70 people hit my site today after I sent out my newsletter, did only ONE person answer my Konkin Question?

Is it a hard question?
Is it a stupid question?
Is it too much effort to think up an answer?
Are people scared that their answer is gonna suck?
Do they not even hit that page?
Are they all thinking about it and will answer at a later time?

I WANNA KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!

Fill me in. Seriously. If you are reading this. Fill me in.

That, or just go and answer the question. Or something. I am truly fascinated.

Perhaps everyone is just too busy. Kinda like me. Too freakin' busy. December. Ug. Shouldn't be that way. December should be fun and filled with carols and eggnog and lots of time to answer Konkin Questions.

heehee. sigh. gonna get off the computer now before i have to join a Computer-aholics group. There really are such groups these days. Inspired by the likes of me. Enough. enough. eeeeennnooouuuuggggghhhhhh.

JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS JINGLE ALL THE WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE IN A ONE HORSE OPEN SLEEEEEEEIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHHH ----- HEY!!!!!!! -----
JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS JINGLE ALL THE WAY
JINGLE BE(ummmmm)(errrrrrr....) shit, how does the song go? crap.

ah, fuck it. I give up.

Being From Moose Jaw

Just finished a juicy conversation about Moose Jaw with who other than Jennie, my Moose Jaw counterpart.

I like that I am from Moose Jaw. I look though my yearbook and I get a sort of thrill at seeing all of us, so back woods, so rural, so Saskatchewan. It is familiar to me. It makes me feel safe. I like looking at those faces now that I am 29 and completely removed from that time in my life and seeing the beauties that I was blind to when I was experiencing them. I remember stealing Mom's car when I only had my learner's license to drive up and down the back streets. The whole gang would pile in the car and I would drive us to Mac's for a slurpee. Then I would drive home. Exhilerating. That was our night. That one event was enough to fuel us until the next weekend. God, life was simple.

Jen and I looked at all the boys we dated or wished we had dated or were ashamed to say we had dated and giggled like we were 14 again. We updated each other on the various folk we've run into...a super skinny model girl who is now terribly large...the super huge guy who has lost 200 lbs and become hot...the underachiever who is now running a small country...the king of high school who is now working at the Jiffy Lube. I look at myself in Grade 11 and remember how angry I was, how anxious to get the hell outta there. I look at Jennie and wonder what it must have been like for her to win so many scholarships, but to have never really lived her teen years. I am curious about so many of them...and in so many ways I feel like they are all figments of my imagination. Over ten years ago now I was showering in that locker room and sitting in that band room. So much has changed. So much.

13 days until I am home. My money fears are bearing down on me and I seem to get busier and busier and busier no matter the fact that I am unemployed. I want it to feel like Christmas, but mostly it just feels stressful. Today, typing at my computer, I felt my heart race in a way that I know is not healthy. I need to go home. I need the safety. I need to a place I can call my own.

For any of my Moose Jaw buddies that are reading this --- I will see you soon. Keep a candle in the window for me. I will always return - in some form or another - time and time again.

You can take the girl outta Moose Jaw, but you can't take the Moose Jaw outta the girl.

The Tortoise and The Hare

Slow and Steady Wins the Race.

*Hurmph*

In doing some logo design work for Jo Design, Mr. Lewin and I considered an illistrated graphic that could be included on our future fleshed out site. We would brand two different mascots for Jo Design - a tortoise and a pink hare - and the image that popped into our heads was the hare running while pulling a bewildered tortoise behind it by a rope. It is genius really, if you know us as a couple. Me either trying to drag him crazily through life with his panicked being attempting to keep up...or him going at the the pace he normally goes with an impatient me sitting, ready to go, waiting. Ah, Jo Design. Ah, my relationship. The yin and yang that is the perfection.

Told Mom today that the job didn't stick and she was very cool about it. I think she also feels like I am on the verge of something that will stick. This gives me more confidence. Wild how even as an adult what your parents believe about you still carries so much weight. Have some more interviews for jobs that will allow me much more time and flexibility to do all the other stuff I need to do. Gotta make the income to keep myself fed, but must stay dedicated to my health. Big H health.

On the subject of money...Jo and I also found out about splitting our money up into different accounts like Harv Eker recommends. 50-10-10-10-10-10. We have decided that we are going to do it. As of 2006 we will take all our income and split it like so:

50% = Necessities Account
10% = Longterm Savings for Spending Account
10% = Passive Income/Investments Account
10% = Tithing/Giving Account
10% = Play Account
10% = Education Account

Neato, huh? It is money management method that inspires not only saving, but investing to create passive income (investment returns that help you work less and make more), pampering yourself, giving consistently and consistently educating yourself in any/all areas of your life. Good money energy is coming to me for 2006, I can feel it. Money is fun. I like money!

I also like sleeping. My bed bekons - kkkrrriiiissssttttaaaaaaaaa.....ccccooooommmmeeee tttttooooooooo mmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....

Must sleep. Glad tidings to one and all. Enjoy this Christmas season no matter how busy you get. Water your plants. Eat many Christmas oranges before the grocery stores stop selling them. Find a moment to make love...even if it is very slow and sleepy and you don't quite have the energy to take your clothes off first...

yawn.

Bed bugs or not, i'm outta here.

The Call

I am not continuing with my position at Peak Potentials. In light of it all, I have very little to say. In the same moment of the decision came serendipidous words, reintroduced to me. I will let them say, at a time when I feel very gray, all that, right now, I can not.

The Call
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer • Toronto, Canada

I have heard it all my life,
A voice calling a name I recognized as my own.

Sometimes it comes as a soft-bellied whisper.
Sometimes it holds an edge of urgency.

But always it says: Wake up, my love. You are walking asleep.
There’s no safety in that!

Remember what you are, and let a deeper knowing
color the shape of your humanness.

There is nowhere to go. What you are looking for is right here.
Open the fist clenched in wanting and see what you already hold in your hand.
There is no waiting for something to happen,
no point in the future to get to.

All you have ever longed for is here in this moment, right now.
You are wearing yourself out with all this searching.
Come home and rest.

How much longer can you live like this?
Your hungry spirit is gaunt, your heart stumbles. All this trying.
Give it up!

Let yourself be one of the God-mad,
faithful only to the Beauty you are.

Let the Lover pull you to your feet and hold you close,
dancing even when fear urges you to sit this one out.

Remember, there is one word you are here to say with your whole being.
When it finds you, give your life to it. Don’t be tight-lipped and stingy.

Spend yourself completely on the saying,
Be one word in this great love poem we are writing together.