Pumpkin Heads and Snorkle Fish

Miscellaneous thoughts on a - very - rainy Thursday Vancouver morning.

In my bedroom, a radio alarm clock wakes us up. It is set to the classical channel so that we aren't blasted awake by Metallica or 50 Cent or, God Forbid, Pink Floyd at 7 in the morning. This morning something different happened. We woke up to the news and the first thing the newscaster said was that much of Quebec is without energy this a.m. due to high winds and bad weather. Coolest thing about that (not that that is in any way 'cool' *ahem*) is that the dream I was having right before the radio went off was about me and a bunch of people in Dawson City, I think, in a total panic as a tornado or hurricane(?) was about to hit us. I never have weather dreams. Due to that I am feeling all magical today.

Blessings to Quebec. I remember when Toronto lost power for that entire night. That night is one of my favorite memories of Toronto! The whole community came outside and there we were wandering around and socializing in the pitch black, save for a couple candles people had lit on their front porches. A few battery powered radios played the news, but for the most part Toronto was qqquuuuuiiiieeettttt. And dark. And more alive than ever. With HUMANS. Hmmmmmm, good times.

Oh, and I got a job. Strange that I didn't sorta put that first in my list of ramblings, but I guess I didn't really know for sure that I was going to be offered it until the phone rang a couple of seconds ago. It is a very cool job, too, assisting the top Loft Agents in the Vancouver Real Estate market. They are both young and hip and successful and I think the job will very much be a make-it-up-as-I-go-along kind of thing. I also know that If I enjoy it and them and stay, when I become licensed I could be connected into a very good thing. So I start Monday. Not sure they are going to ultimately be able to afford me...but I am going to try and just concentrate on the fact that I have a job. I will let you know what happens.

I wish I could just design full time. I wish I had all my boyfriend's skills and could just stay at home and create websites and print materials and ... get paid really well to be creative. It feels unfair and frustrating that, to have that dream, I have to wait years while I learn about 17 different softwares. Then again, I like the thought of going to school to learn...if not the thought of going back into student loan debt. The world of RE sorta excites me, but sorta exhausts me. Design....well...could it be the new dream that I am supposed to be chasing?

Kisses to y'all. Oh, and go answer my Konkin Question. Happiness is...

this morning it is knowing I don't have to job hunt and can snuggle up with a movie while the rain falls.

Let Me Count The Ways

Today is my 10 Month-a-versary with Jordan Hart Good Lewin.

Last night I asked him who he thought the Love of His Life is - if he couldn't count me. Confused, he asked me to define what a Love of someone's Life might look like and I was actually sorta stumped. "It's those people that you never quite totally get over and that you carry around with you in a big way wondering WHAT IF", I began to explain. "Does that mean," he then asked, "that the Love of your Life has to be someone that you can't be with?" Thinking about that I remembered occasions where husbands and wives of many years would stand up and declare that their spouse was, indeed, the Love of their Life. "Well, no." I answered. "I suppose some people get to end up with the Love of their Lives, but it is rare." Then we both got silent and tried to figure out which lover before Us would hold that huge title. Finally, Jordan looked at me, his gorgeous head on our white pillows, and said "I don't have one." And I knew, as he said it that I didn't either or that, possibly, I was staring at mine falling asleep.

So, in dedication of this day and that conversation...the Top Ten reasons I believe that my current partner could very well be the Love of My Life:

1. He cooks. He doesn't just cook, he chops and dices and sears and spices and creates. He adores good quality food. But he can also, once in awhile, sit down and eat Chocolate Mousse for supper - me, him, a big bowl and two spoons.

2. He wants out of the city. When we go and look at homes for fun, it is always the same property that stirs our hearts. Outside of the city, surrounded by trees, close to the water, a magic cottage just big enough for us and our laptops. With goats on the roof. Ah, yes, the goats.

3. He is in no rush to have kids. He even seems content if we never have kids. This would be a bad thing to most women, but for me, it is freedom. Of course, one day this could change for me or him or both, but for now, it is a blessing.

4. Jo Design. I am convinced I could work as a business partner with this man very peacefully and that stuns me. He is the type of guy that would work hard, but make sure to take 'make out' breaks. He is the calm to my storm. He has brought Design to my life for which I will always be grateful.

5. He is sexy naked. This man turns me on. His self-effacing ways, his unabashed love of being naked in our home, his shy ways of wanting to see ME naked, the gentleness in his lovemaking, the fun we have in our attraction to each other.

6. He is aware of what he feels. This is huge. Most men are not naturally able to come to you and say - can I tell you how I am feeling about this or that? Jo does. He feels huge amounts and communicates it and if he is sad he cries and if he has to say something hard to be honest, he does. He is aunthentic.

7. He has got great family. A mother who adores him and is this free spirited, passionate woman. A father who tells him every time they talk that he loves him and is proud of him. A step-mom that would do anything for him. A brother who works in Hollywood on CSI Miami and is still as humble and real as Jo. They are good people. Even for Americans. ;)

8. He is a musician. He plays guitar like an angel. Self-taught and, again, pretty shy about his gift, Jordan wowed me the first time he picked up his guitar and started playing. Sharing music with someone is so important to me. As it is to him.

9. He is clean and good with his money. Two very admirable and yes-I-can-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-you qualities. We share chores equally. He loves his home in order. He pays bills on time and saves up lots for the fun stuff like investing. He makes good money, but cares more about his happiness doing the work than the paycheque. We fit on these topics.

10. He is in love with me. Here is how I know. Becauase he hates being away from me, even for a work day, but I know that If I had to go somewhere far away to chase a dream he would support it. Because he makes time to nuture us without me having to ask. Because at night he crawls into bed and snuggles in close and beams at me. Just beams. Because he allows me to love him back, with a fierceness that might scare most men.

Hey, I might not have a clear life path right now, I may be unemployed and self-destructive and self-pitying. But hallelujiah that this is one area in my life that I can say

I Am The Luckiest.

Thank you, Jo.

The heart that breaks...

I just got home from RevC's memorial.

It was painful. Painful and beautiful and even joyful, but painful. And it was the kind of memorial, held by the kind of people, in the kind of place where you were asked to breathe into the pain and not run away from it. So, not only have I just spent hours dancing and crying and laughing and singing, but I have had no where to hide from it and right now, I feel raw.

Raw and drained. I look at my apartment which needs cleaning and my emails which need answering and supper which needs making and I feel like it is all useless tasks done in a feeble attempt to deny that at any moment it could all be taken from me and, even if I want to tell myself something different, there is nothing I can do about it.

In moments of great pain, one's faith is tested.

I feel my faith slipping and sliding, looking for its Centre. The voices of my atheist family scream in my head that this is all hocus pocus mumbo jumbo derived by humans to make the sheer force of death taking away our existance easier to process. The voice of born again Christians remind me that, if what they say is True, Candace will burn in hell forever more. I hear my own voices, angry and sad, trying to figure out how it could possibly be that Candi chose to go when she so seemingly wanted to live? I hear the whispered voice of Candace in a grainy recording played this afternoon say... I love you... and life is good

and good

and good

and good

and good.

Sitting at this computer, I am not sure which voice to listen to, but I stop tyring to choose and breath in the pain. I am simply scared and human and I miss her. That, I know is real and so it is that which I hang on to.

Life IS good. I choose it. I choose health. I choose to stay and be human and flawed and sad and angry and confused and clear and happy and laughing. I choose it. If I could, I would choose it for you and I would have chosen it for Candace. But it wasn't my choice to make. And now I must let go of ever knowing why.

I ask you to send me light in your thoughts when you read this. I will need your help to find my Centre again. It will return home soon, I know. Right now, I cry.

"The heart that breaks, is opening, once more, to love."

And so I heal.

I God A Code *Sniff*

Woke up this morning and couldn't swallow. Also couldn't breath out my nose. Also had an earache.

Here are the things I am grateful for concerning this cold:

1. My boyfriend jumped into duty, smothering me with sympathy kisses and then running out to buy me oranges, Vicks VapoRub and Listerine. He then helped me steam myself and made me take some echinecea. Sigh. My angel.
2. That at least it is at its worst on a Saturday and I don't have to go anywhere or do anything or SIT IN ANY ANNOYING INTERVIEWS.
3. I get more time to stare at my website.

Why do we get sick? Seems like a scientific question, but I believe it is a spiritual one. Let us say the same cold virus is running through an office of people. Why do only some staff members 'catch' the cold, while others seem to stay immune? Why do some people seem to ALWAYS be the ones who 'catch' everything, while certain individuals seem untouchable by illness?

And how did a leader of a philosophy that taught the principles of health being a choice you make, end up dying to Cancer when it seemed to all of us that she was attempting to choose Life?

I know that I am sick because I am resistant to this job hunting stuff, sad about Candace, have deviated from my healthy eating regime as of late and am dressing for the outdoors like somebody who is in total denile that summer is gone.

I know that I will kick it totally when I am finally ready to release and accept that this is my current life situation and that it is, warts and all, beautiful.

OH, I am also grateful that we are no where near Hurrican Rita.

Ok, done now. Going to go let myself be sick...

...and see how many more of those smothering kisses I can bring my way.

*Sniff*

Goodbye BLOGGER, Hello KJKONKIN.COM!!

I haven't really felt this way since I was very young and about to step onstage into a spotlight.

My website launches officially today.

www.kjkonkin.com

My baby...our baby. Jordan and I have poured heart and soul into this site with such joy! And to think, it all started as a birthday gift request. We love this site. It isn't only a site. It is me. It is him. It is the beginning of Jo Design - us as a design/development team. It has given me vision for my future, it has pushed Jordan's genius to new heights and it has bonded us even further in the gorgeous coupledom that is us.

So, my blog won't appear here on blogger anymore. To access my blog, go to my website and click the link Live Out Loud. And I will be blogging lots more now that my blog has a new home. I promise.

If you are already on my site...enjoy it please. Submit your answers and email me feedback and check back as this puppy is only gonna get cooler and cooler and cooler. And my life never seems to cease being interesting...lol.

To new beginnings and lots of 'em....

Reverend Candace Frank

The Spiritual Director of my Centre died this morning. There are literally hundreds of us that are boggled with questions and saddness and loss. I am sure I will blog about this and its affect on me in the future. Today, in memory of RevC, I want to share a poem that my brother wrote about his wife Jane after she, too, lost her battle with Cancer. I read this poem the other night and had my first really big cry about saying goodbye to Candace...and because I know that Candace is able, in her own way, to read this poem, too, I send this to her now as my own way of bidding farewell...

Jane

we can see you now, in our mind's eye, smiling
thinking ahead, arranging our ongoing comfort
working to understand us
our thoughtlessness
our arrogance
our blithe indifference to need
which you saw everywhere
in everyone

you loved us when we came to you
you loved us when you left us
you loved us for showing you how
you loved us for needing to be shown
you loved us when we remembered you
you loved us when conveniently we forgot

we loved you for how you treated us
we loved you for who you were
we loved you, though we did not show it
we loved you, hoping somehow you knew
we loved you first because you let us
and then because you did not want us to

we can't see you anymore
or feel your voice or hear your smile
it said to us, be not afraid
be joyful, joyful
you are loved

we mourn the silence

--Sean Konkin, 7 May 2000, Calgary

Thank you RevC for showing me a way of living that made me want to get up in the morning. Thank you RevC for showing me a way of dying that allows me to sleep peacefully when I go to bed at night.

I hope to do you proud.

Alain Therrien

You now know when you've known someone for so long that you forget that they are good looking??

My buddy sent me his picture today and I was sorta stunned that I have known this guy since puberty. He is a pretty one. Look:



What can I say? Moose Jaw breeds 'em well...