Leaving Moose Jaw Again

I am continually changing and growing. All of us do. And little by little I have less connection to my home town, the way of life here, the energy and so I leave, again and again. But I also know that my eagerness to run from Moose Jaw is at its most intense when my anger about Life has overtaken my Love. These days I feel mostly pissed off at everything and everyone almost all the time. For this reason I weep for myself and realize that it is myself that I am good at leaving, again and again.

Back to Vancouver tomorrow. Back to a boyfriend aching for his independence and a job hunt that weighs on me like a backpack full of bricks. As hard as it will be to go back and face up to my reality, I go home gratefully. My apartment, my dishes, my bed, my city, my partner. Just wish I felt more joy about being clear, at least, on where I belong geographically.

Some things I have learned while being here: crap loads of sexual chemistry will never be enough for a partnership, I have an intense love of home re-design and that I want to try and become someone who either lets a hurt go immediately OR if I must hang on to it, states it clearly so that the people around her know where they stand. I want to be this person for my boyfriend, for my mother, for my friends and for myself. Authentic. I also came to a deep understanding that much of my feeling of being lost is due to my ever decreasing spiritual practise. I miss my friendship with God/It All/Spirit. Must dedicate August to regaining this...

I also learned that many people have no clue what to do when up against a four way stop. Just so you all know, the person on the right has the right of way.

Past that, don't ask me.

Halfway Between Nowhere and Goodbye

You take a dream from a person and what have you left them with?

Could life possibly be defined by hope?

Is it necessary and real for two people to settle into living parallel lives? Is it inevitable that after the swell of falling in love, you retreat back to your corners and live the rest of your lives like two single people that sleep in the same bed?

If I had to choose between love and passion, is it horrible of me to feel like passion most definitly comes home with the championship?

Could it be that it is too late to chase a dream? How do i wake up and re-member that I am already inside a dream, with nothing to do, nobody to be, no one thing to catch?

What does that even feel like anyway?

When it comes to sex, I wonder if we stress ourselves out trying to live up to what we think is the norm? I wonder how many couples would discover, if they were truly honest with each other, that they were both really ok with only getting it on a couple times a month, if ever?

Is it supposed to feel this hard?? Why is everyone happier when you give them a false smile and a forced contentment? Is it because that way they can stop asking how you're feeling?

What does it mean when both parts of a couple hate the other's driving?

Why does aloe help a sunburn?

If you died tomorrow, would you be able to go out thinkin' - Yup, I did fine.

?

And On A Foggy Day Darryl Responds

My love, my heart, my hurt, my hope and faith still in our human race go out to all those affected today by the bombings in London. It would be so easy to give up on this crummy world. I refuse. Somehow I must believe that we will stop killing each other. There is so much love. To illustrate this I give you Darryl's response to my letter...

Dear Krista,

You know what I like about us. We both never know the truth or what reality is, and we accept it while still seeking it. I think thats a good thing. I thought about my blog after i wrote it and i hope it didn't seem to not acknowledge what you wrote here, i was just in a weird sad mood which passed.

I want you to know that theres a reason why even though we may never chat too often or keep in contact when one of us or both of us are dating someone...you are just that engrained in my heart and life. I look at that picture of us from two summers ago, and those ones from when Ioana got mad at me at your uncles cabin...and that defines us. Comfy and always there for each other. Our auras i think both hum on the same frequency friend wise. I never will ever be able to thank Melanie Philipson enough for dumping me. That was the first time I sought out help and really got to know you, even though at that point we really never were not friends, we were just associated thru allisons movie massage parties. I think after you , barely knowing me at all, did what you could to talk me off my emotional downslide and with your boyfriend there no less. I cannot think of a luckier day in my life, a better dump of myself that led to better things. You have always been something of an enigma, so static and so dynamic at the same time, so closed to change and open to it in the same breath. I honestly don't know where i'd be in life without having had you in my life. You cannot possibly ever know how you have effected change in me, helped me become who i am today. I am not embellishing this at all, even that summer of Spitz and the flat roofed yellow house...you are the reason i came out of my hiding spot in the corner of the room and closer to the front. And you've been there while i kept moving til i made it to the point where i am me...quiet and gentle and loving...but more than willing to fight for myself and for my friends and family without fear of being embarrassed or what others think. You've been a tutor in love, life, dance, culture and a companion that i hope, when i'm 80, can still pick up the phone, and pick up a conversation where we left it off last time we talked, about our familes and the good ole days. Thinking about how much you mean to me makes cry happy tears right now. I miss you and just want to make sure you know that you are the one that deserves all the best and that i hope i get to see it happen soon.

I love ya babe,
Darryl

And I love you, too, Darryl. I love you all. This must be what we dedicate ourselves heart and soul toward. Even loving the Bushes and Blairs and seemingly evil but truely lost souls out there. I challenge you. We can win this existential war.

Our weapon: love.

I'll meet you in the trenches.

Letter To Darryl

Darryl,

I remember once having a long, in-depth discussion about the concept of The One with Aidan. I honored and understood how much we, as a society, wanted to cling to the romantic notion that there was really only one The One and how magic and fate and all those yummy, gooshy things would bring you to The One. God forbid you screw it up with The One, because then you were destined to spend the rest of your life with The Almost One. How, when you finally became lucky enough to find The One, you wouldn't have all those petty, stupid fights and the relationship would sail smoothly and perfectly because you were, after all, Meant To Be.

I honored this, but I had come a far way from believing it. I use you, D, to illustrate. Happy Ever After doesn't come with The One. Certain people become The One with nurturing and intent and effort. I have made many, many friends since leaving Moose Jaw at 18 that I have had more in common with, that swept into my life and brought this sudden burst of energy and left me certain we would be friends until the day we died. But like a really good bag of Doritos, those friends who seemed like The One, were without substance. Once i had consumed them, my stomache hurt. My heart broken and their focus now on something other than me, I would stumble home to find an email or sarcastic voice mail from You. Or after years of seperation and drama, i would lovingly call Jennie. And there it was. The One wasn't about fireworks and spectacle, The One was about effort. Consistency. Friends like you, that year after year after year keep in touch, send emails without expectation of a reply and immediately call if the other sounds sad...Friends Like You are the magical ones.

Darryl, i hardly even ever see you and yet, somehow, you make me feel watched over and loved. I send you health and vitality and the rememberance that We aren't our bodies. They will get broken down with our food habits and emotional weather and Time Itself, but We are the We behind the breath and I, personally, assure you that i am never going anywhere.

I love you sweetie.
KJ

P.S. I am not sure if that man in the forest is wrong, despite being unheard by a woman, but i am pretty sure that he is still expected to apologize.