I am 29 now.

What would happen if i just gave it all up?

I have two instinctive reactions to this question.

Number 1. I would wind down into a death like state of total misery and dispair. I would become numb just to get through it and live as if I was in preparation for death. I would move back to Moose Jaw where I could exist inexpensively and I would finally just study whatever it was that was easiest and guaranteed me a job regardless of "my heart's true passion". I would leave Jordan and his high ideals and focused passions and successful life and I would spend my nights in local MJ bars waiting until I met a man that was remotely acceptable and wanted to marry me. That done, I would get pregnant, he would fix cars and I would start a family. I wouldn't leave Moose Jaw much, I wouldn't dream of anything bigger, I would just go about my days, get old, die.

Number 2. I would feel more free than I ever have in my entire life. Suddenly, in my underachieving, I wouldn't have to stress myself out constantly trying to find "my heart's true passion" or run around like a crazy woman wondering how i can change, serve, make a difference in this world. I could stop living in big, expensive cities and surrounding myself by people that are constantly pushing themselves and their careers to new heights. I could just be. I could just stop having to try so hard and not have to face my constant failure and confusion day after day after day after day.

I'm sorry i haven't blogged in forever. I just don't feel like i have anything new to say. I am stuck and I am tired of being stuck. I don't know how to get myself out of it. And how many days in a row can a girl blog about that?

One of my birthday presents is supposedly a new website built by me and my boyfriend. I keep telling myself i will blog again consistently when the website is up and running. At the rate we are going it will be done in about 2011. But perhaps giving up also might look like a break from living out loud. So, if you don't see me around....well...you'll know where i am at....

I was answering questions in a journalling book yesterday and finishing the requested sentences. It was to promote self-appreciation. There i was filling in the blanks with ease - these kinds of excersises come easy to me- "I am a good friend when i...." and "I did a good job when I.....". The last sentence was " I should win an Oscar for..." and thr swift and uncensored answer that came out of my pen was "...my life." It stopped me in my tracks. It is true. I realize that no one these days knows me. They know whatever role or mask i feel expected to wear. I am acting my way through my life.

And i thought i had left theatre.

What Is Up With That?!

So here i am on the job hunt, or more specifically, on the hunt for the path that i shall head down as a future career goal and everytime i wake up in the morning excited about a new epiphany I've had about what i could study that will excite and inspire me, i do research on the topic and in about five minutes and i am depressed and back at square one.

I have come up with a theory. The careers that pay well and are easier to attain are the fields and tasks that nobody really wants to do. Seriously. In the event that you lucked out in life and you actually, truly want/enjoy/excel at any of these types of jobs then you are set. If Accounting makes your soul soar, if exterminating critters turns your crank, if fixing computer networks make your heart sing then you have my total envy. Take Jordan for instance. He loves to design and he is good at it. But the fact that he could design was a BONUS when he was hired at communicopia.net. He was indespensable because he is good at and actually somewhat enjoys doing the crap that no one else wants to do and that is the back end coding and structuring. He is lucky because he doesn't abhor this aspect of design and so he is going to be OK. He can use the less creative skills to get him in the door and then work his way into primarily using his more creative skills. Is this what we all need to do?

The things i am great at do not pay well. Or, at least, being payed well for them is very dependant on starting your own business doing them and then having that business prosper. Not entirely easy and fun. I could go back to school and train for something new, but the stuff that gets me excited at the thought of studying has low employment rates after graduation and pay pretty poorly. The other stuff that i could study and do and make good money at really don't get my mojo going.

And so i sit here stuck. Stuck, stuck, stuck. Even with Cynthia, the stuff that she always wants to give me for work (and i do appreciate that she is always trying to get me work) is the stuff that she - and everybody else - doesn't want to do. It is the crap part. It pays and it is available and i could probably base a lifetime of work around it, but it is about as interesting to me as bellybutton lint. Gawd. I don't know what to do. What do i do?

Guess i could curl my hair. That at least doesn't take alot of impossible choice making.

DeJa Vu

June 1st, 2005.

It is raining today. That is somehow perfect considering it was raining a year ago today when i arrived in Vancouver brand new and hopeful. Having been away for most of May, today feels like an arrival, too, even though yesterday i came home to MY apartment and MY car and my so-called-life. Yet, like last year, i am lost and in debt and unemployed. I have, as they say, come full circle.

Colorado was an aquired taste. It was good to be back in the Saskatchewan-like dry heat and to aquire a tan so easily. The views were spectacular and his hometown was filled with Patagonia-wearing 20-somethings, hauling mountain bikes and kayaks with their Safari Jeeps. Jordan and i went white water rafting on the raging Animas River for our 6 month anniversary, did a road trip through the Rockies where we slept in the back of his Dad's truck and hiked the Colorado Trail. I even biked for the first time since 1999. It wasn't hard to see why my boyfriend is obsessed with the outdoors. I even discovered a random CD of what is now my favorite new artist...check him out at www.davidkiddmusic.com. Yeah, It was not my planet, but for a visit it really wasn't all that bad.

I contemplated my future and we contemplated our future. Stuff was decided - Jo will officially move in as of July 1st - and stuff was debated - just how much time does a graphic designer have to spend on a computer? - and stuff was definitely deliberated - do i get licensed or not? It was a retreat of working through issues and meeting family and we even, can you believe it, got a little relaxing smushed in there somewhere.

But damn i am glad to be home.

I feel like a slightly tarnished version of the me from June 1st, 2004. I am less brand new, but not altogether savvy and, although i am hopeful, i would have to admit i am a lot less energetic about having that hope. Of course i will find another job. I know that. When, where, how and what is not for me to control. Jennie arrives tomorrow and, in that, a dream comes true, but it also means my apartment will suddenly be emptied and in a shambles. Jo will move in, but only after another crazy month of finishing gigs and carting his stuff back and forth. May was about escape and contemplation and June is about facing it and starting from scratch.

So in the end i guess it is not so much about the rain, but about how it falls.

I am home.

Let the blogging continue.