Path Less

So let me update you on the last 10 days...

I finally walked the beaches of Tofino and came to understand why people say the West coast of the island is intoxicating, sufferred car sickness, wondered if i was crazy for trying to make it work with a man so different from me, secured the apartment underneath mine for Jennie to move into, washed my car as therapy, started writing morning pages again, was offerred shitty money for the 20/20 Properties position, said No to said shittily-paid job, had incredible sex, found out more disturbing stuff about boyfriend's past, sang brilliantly at a charity gala, interviewed for another dance teaching position, decided i need to eat better, researched getting my Real Estate licence, watched Jo react with honour when his world was stolen out of the rental vehicle - cell phone, cash, wallet, laptop, 6 years of work on the laptop, iPod, keys, rainjacket, etc etc, remembered what was really important in life, designed my first HTML webpage, felt pride and happiness when boyfriend got dreamjob offer, secretly felt like crap lots of the time.

Suggested Read: Self-Reliance (essay) by Ralph Waldo Emerson
Suggested Watch: TV Series Season One 'The L Word'
Suggested Website: www.communicopia.net
Suggested Song: God is a DJ by Pink
Suggested Vancouver Event: Emily Carr Design and Art Grad Show Exhibit (runs til end of May)
Suggested Quote: 'Trust Thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string' ----Emerson

I will also leave you with this thought by Emerson --- everyone's goodness should have an edge to it. I love that. Kindness and goodness will not always mean making everyone around you happy. You can love someone totally and still not share your intimate life with them or agree with them. You can still look them in the eye and state your view unabashedly. Edgy goodness, yummy. That is me in a nutshell.

You won't hear from me much in the next two weeks. Tomorrow morning i leave for Colorado. Should be interesting. Maybe i will need to blog, ache to blog and find a way to blog. But if not, my online voice will be silenced until June. It is a time of transition. Jennie will be here, Jordan will be working full time, my apartment will be emptied of furniture and Jordan and i will decide wether or not he should move in. Oh, i and i will need to find a job. June. The month i turn 29. Change waits, tapping Its foot...

Somewhere, over the rainbow.

Party On Dudes

I have never enjoyed parties.

Ever. Not really. Not deep down.

I can be, and i have watched this be true with outward shock, amazingly adept at parties. It is one of the masks in my mask wardrobe - party girl. Bubbly, funny, extroverted. But i can't remember the last time i was at a party, wearing this mask or not, and i wasn't thinking...

Get me the fuck outta here.

Perhaps it is because i don't drink. Maybe the alcohol would loosen me up, change my mood. I am sure it would. But loud music, masses of people i don't know, crowds just standing around gripping their booze and chatting/yelling over the noise, cigarette smoke, men blatantly checking you out, more standing, a little more boozing, sometimes (on a good night) dancing, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...it is just not my idea of fun. To me it is eventless, tiring, mostly insincere. I am not sure why i feel this way. I know that i am in my 20's and should love to party. It should be what i ache to do. But i don't.

ug.

That being said, Jo is graduated. I have met the core family and they are all quite wonderful. Having to figure out a brand new family's dynamic is always a bit off-putting and i can't help but find myself back at the dining room table in North York. Am i really going to fall in love all over again with another set of people who, in the event i screw up the relationship, i will never see again? Yes, i suppose i am.

And the family thing ain't stoppin' any time soon. It is just going to keep coming and coming and coming. Ohhhhh Lord. Insert my recent yuckky, pit-of-my-stomache feeling as of late. Wanna just put on my pj's and hide.

Suck it up, Konkin. Suck it up.

Up and Down and Up and Down

I wish so much i could blame my mood swings on my hormones.

I started using the newest form of birth control 2 days ago. It is called the Nuvoring. It uses alot less systematic drugs to do essentially what the pill does. It is easy to put in and easy to take out (i hope, gulp) and i only have to worry about it once a month as it stays inserted for the 3 weeks in between periods.

Secretly i was hoping it would be the secret switch to this saddness that i feel so often these days.

Putting on a brave face, i help and support and persue and accomplish. Then, i become exhausted and stop. When i stop long enough, i find myself staring at walls and bursting into tears. Except it isn't exactly bursting. It is sort of melting into tears. Bursting would be too much effort.

I read Darryl's blog about feeling depressed, about not wanting to get out of bed and then the punishment he heaves on himself for feeling such self-pity, and my chest tightens. I know. I hear you, Darryl. There are still happy days. But my sad days are coming back fast and furious and i don't know what to do about it.

Or if i need do anything at all.

Jordan tells me to come to him and talk to him, but he is busy. He assures me he is never too busy, but that simply isn't true. If i went to him each time i felt dispair, he would never graduate because it would be a full time job being the shoulder that i cry on. So, i schedule time to share with him my feelings and the rest of the time i cry alone. Life is good, i know. But knowing it isn't enough.

Panicked, i try on a million different outfits trying to find the one that will assure me that i am beautiful and worth it.

Sickened, i pull on big, baggy clothes and use movies to escape.

Tired, i give up searching for proof. Proof of what?? I don't know. You tell me.

Will this pass? Is this a sign that i have hit another deeper level of wound that i must attend to?

Does anyone know an affordable shrink?

Vicarious Graduation

I have been thinking about it, and it seems like i have vicariously graduated with several degrees and have studied all sorts of subjects. Being an intelligent gal and an overly opinionated one, I have helped, coaxed, supported the men in my life through their degrees and downright written, made and created huge aspects of my signifigant other's university portfolios.

Through the men in my life i have become a very well versed person who has nothing on her resume to show for it.

I convinced Patrick that he could, in fact, write poetry as he stuggled with his English Lit classes on his way to getting a Science degree and, utimately, becoming a chiropractor.

Kirklind and i studied so much for one of his biology exams that i actually snuck into the exam room, wrote a fake student number down on the answer sheet and wrote the damned test. I just wanted to see what vicarious education can do. I scored a 64% while Kirk - the true student - eeked out a low 70%. No shame to him. He is now studying for his doctorate in Neuropharmicology at the University of Toronto.

History bores me to death. But my last relationship found me reading, editing and nodding off during long Aidan-narratives about the history of the Carribean or what MacKenzie King's choices ultimately meant for the outcome of Canadian politics. I was absolutely giddy when he finally finished his BFA.

Now, this weekend, i will watch Jordan graduate with his Communications Design degree from Emily Carr. I will watch him present a grad project that has not only stolen countless hours from our relationship, but is now closely tied to my own heart as i have poured ideas, opinions and observance into FlockOn!

To see Jo's portfolio please visit www.jordanlewin.com. It is really good. He is really good.

But the question still stands...where has this gotten me? It confirms that i have been, all my life, a life coach. This confirmed, i am still a lost soul, searching for my place. I enabled boyfriend after boyfriend ---- helped them believe in themselves, carried them through the rough patches, told them they could do anything --- and then watched them marry somebody else.

I know, i know, i could have married them. It has always been my choice to leave. BUT...

Back onto the topic at hand. As far as my resume is concerned, i am undereducated and overqualified. The boyfriends are all successful now and on track and i am blogging. I am totally fucking confused. So do i regret helping them? Of course not. Like i said, i coach, it is what i do. Too bad i couldn't back charge them.

Another graduation has me wondering if i am any farther along than i was last summer or the year before or or or or .......

If one day a boyfriend of mine will be established and know himself and be the confidant one and coach ME.

Or maybe i will just have to coach myself. Maybe that is the lesson that i am resisting.

Maybe that is why i feel so lonely.