Boundaries

How does one love totally and completely, but still hold to the boundaries of what they would allow in their own lives?

What if something in your relationship happens once - one time - sealed with that promise by your partner. They try crack-cocaine once, they get angry and hit you once, they sleep with another person once, they secretly cut themselves once. Is it insane to walk away the first time? Is that just TOO strict a boundary? I mean, everyone makes mistakes, everyone deserves a chance to experiment with something once, everyone should be unconditionally loved by those closest to them. And are you being judgmental and closed off if you deem these things 'not acceptable'? Where do you draw lines? How do you draw lines?

My boundaries used to be big, huge walls that hardly anyone could climb. I feel as i have discovered the greyness of what i used to see as a very black and white world, my walls have come down a bit and become more transluscent. I can now see at least those things i refused to let in and learn instead of only judge.

But. Many of my boundaries still exist. I am proud of their strength as i believe that they state my own self worth. No, nobody hits me. Not once, not ever. I will love them and forgive them, but i will not stay in the relationship. No partner of mine molests children or has sex with other people while committed to me or steals maliciously or is a drug doer or dealer. Thing is, there are variations on all of that and when is unacceptable and when is it something you can work through and when is down right something that i just have an unhealthy hang up about?

Most women i know have no boundaries at all. We will easily accomodate what feels acceptable and unacceptable to us in order to keep a man. In order to have peace in the family. In order not to rock the boat. I want love in my life. I value my partnership deeply. I want to be a flexible, open person. I want all people to make their own choices.

Yes i want to still make my choices. This doesn't only involve what i will do in my life, but who i will allow to touch my life and who i will trust is balanced and safe enough with which to share my stunningly gorgeous life.

Leaves me wondering if you can ever be left with loving someone, but have to come to the conclusion that you are just too different.

Leaves me wondering if matching boundaries and alligned moral fabric are, in fact, the be all and the end all...

Or is love simply enough?

Rara Reene Rosie

Yesterday Sara-Jeanne showed up at my door.

Strangest part was that i had been thinking about her big time all day as i started in on decorating the patio. It was her chimes that tinkled in the cool wind, her cat hair still stuck stubbornly to the sliding door, her memory that happily chatted away with me about accent colors. I missed her acutley that afternoon. I have gotten used to an SJ-less world, but there are still so many times in a day that i have something to share with her or say to her that no one else would possibly understand.

Read a quote that says home isn't a place where people know you, it is a place where people understand you...

So, there we were, Jo and i, cooking supper, the candles alight throughout the apartment, the ultimate picture of domestic bliss, when there is a knock on my door. Living in an apartment building where my buzzer is broken keeps unexpected knocks at a minimum. Part of me knew, i think, who it was. Opening the door i was confronted with my former best friend. She looked the same, all dark hair and red lips, holding a Starbucks coffee in her hand, her eyebrows raised high, waiting. And what did i do? What could i do? I threw myself into her arms. I mean, no matter what, at the end of the day, i love her. I love her with the fierceness that i love the men of my past. Just like them, this woman knows parts of me that currently no one does...

But my protective warrior voice warned me. Love her, Krista, sure. But do not think this means she wants you back. Do not mistake merely wanting to break a grudge with a rekindled relationship. Breathe. Be in the moment. Enjoy the 3 minutes you will have with her standing in the foyer. Do not drown this in fantasies or expectations. Beware your foolish heart.

Truth is, i miss her. I miss us. I live in a much quieter world since she departed. I appreciate this CBC Classical Music aspect to my present life, but god what i would do for a hit of the loud, brassy, hoppin' music we made together. It is reminiscent of the way i miss Aidan's toothpaste smile and animated stories, Kirk's Australlian accent while giving a steady traffic commentary or Dean's rendition of Lady dressed in nothing more than one of my floral skirts and a necktie. There have been great loves of my life, and they haven't all been men. Carrie Chan, Patrick Simmons, Melanie Phillipson, Dean Balkwill, Jennie Grado, Kirklind Nylen, Sara-Jeanne Hosie, Aidan Simpson...my Mom, Leanne....and now, Jordan Hart Good Lewin. The Ones.

The night is full of ghosts.

I miss you all. I let you go because i have had to, but...
Each of you carries with you a piece of me that is yours and yours alone.

May you, each in your own turn, knock once again on my door.
And may i be home and answer.
May i always answer.

Rainy Days and Sundays

Spring is here and i have huge decisions to make. Paths to choose. Potential new roommates with whom to share my space.
And the skies rain down here in Vancouver. Incessant rain. With patches of intense sunlight.
Beautiful, fresh, forever new.

I am faced with Teaching versus the Corporate Life. My link with the design world opens me up to the realization that I am, always have been, a Designer. I just never knew there was a name for it. And i definitly didn't know there were ways to make money doing it. I sit with this new identity, not quite sure what to do with it. In a world of infinite possibilities and with the understanding that i have the power to paint my life exactly as i want it to look, i am not sure of the pallet or the colors.

Actually, i am hoping somehow that this will take care of itself. Breathe, breathe, breathe and trust. Wake up to find that i am walking down one of those paths and the choosing chose for me.

I am also faced with a deepening seriousness in my relationship. Jordan graduates in less than a month and will be thrust into life as an income earning adult. We spend an increasing amount of time together and it becomes obvious that carting pj's back and forth between apartments will drive us batty sooner or later. In fact, it already is doing exactly that...which means, living together. Jordan wants it, i want it and there it sits. Jennie moves here on June 1st and just as she makes her enterance into my daily life for the first time in 10 years, i am ready to live with my glorious life partner.

I am hoping that this, too, will work itself out.

Oh, and i am going to Colorado in May. For a very long visit. To get to know his hometown and his family and his friends. Like i said, we deepen and take it to a much more serious level. I wait for the fear to overtake me, but am just left with the steady hum that has exsisted within me ever since that first night i sat in his room, tucked into a beanbag chair, his head on my lap. My Jealousy monster is hopping a bit at the thought of meeting Jen, his best friend's wife who was, before the marriage, a very real and long obsessive crush for Jordan. But i figure i can't run from these situations. Nor can i hide.

I am in a bit of fear about being appointed Youth Leader at the Center. Today was our first meeting and i had to cancel it due to a mysterious exhaustion that started overtaking me yesterday. My theory is that my immune system is battling the beginning stages of some perpertrator and that i had best take heed and rest rest rest. But i am also wondering if my apprehension at leading something i know nothing about, stress regarding making the 'right' decisions in my career, the emotional vulnerability of watching myself get more and more involved with Jo, the cost of living in such uncertainty all the time is not at the root of my exhaustion.

Whatever it is, i nuture myself first and foremost. I must. Us women especially.

So this Sunday i let my responsibilities slide and snuggle up on my couch with my fleece blanket and watch the rain wash off my patio floor. Tomorrow i will call and apologize to those i disappointed by putting myself first. Tomorrow i will hopefully have the energy to 'do' - tomorrow i will enter again this reality we call Life.

Until then, I send you all the bravery to put your life on hold when your soul screams - ENOUGH!

I send you all Rainy Days and Sundays.

$0

I'm home.

And i am sitting in my awsome, comfy little apartment with little white lights twinking in my Fiscus trees while i blog on my iBook and the man of my dreams frowns at his fellow Mac. Outside, Grouse Mountain is all lit up and the air smells like damp cedar. In a domestic moment, i have cooked us a soggy supper that conspicuously sits uneaten beside The Boyfriend and my bags are safely stowed back into the hall closet declaring that i am back to stay.

Today i used up the last of my Starbucks giftcard and sipped a Tazo Calm on my way back to 20/20. I spent the day training someone else to change the fax toner while i dreamed about my potential Colorado trip in May while laxidazically glancing at the Help Wanted Ads. Strangely, i listened to a voice message asking me to help someone organize their financial affairs and get them ready for The Tax Deadline which i thought was fascinating for a girl who, a year ago, lived with and off her mother. Kim Soo brought up, again, the idea of taking over Melissa's maternity leave which would see me in a big office doing alot of MBA way-over-my-head type things. Considering this, i took off for lunch only to realize i left not only my Winnie The Pooh pj's in Toronto but my DEBIT CARD. Paid for lunch with my Visa.

But here is where the climax is: getting home from work.

Checking my account to research my card loss, i find my tax return has been deposited. With a couple simple clicks i then accomplished something that i have been waiting YEARS to accomplish. I PAID OFF THE FINAL REMAINING AMOUNT ON MY STUDENT LOAN. Done. The End. Paid off. It is gone. Gone with a life in theatre i hardly remember loving, let alone missing. $25,000 plus about $8000 on my credit cards and now the only debt i am looking at is paying off my iBook.

This, i am thinking, is heaven.

That AND seeing Jordan naked.

That AND seeing Jordan naked AND having Jennie move to Vancouver.

Belinda was right, it IS a place on earth....

Ooooooooooo, baby.