Tdot

I am here.
I am home.
I am here and it was home and i am not the same girl and so much changed and it is not home anymore.
Home is Vancouver.
Home is Jordan.
I am this person who looks like Krista and remembers Krista but isn't Krista and all the cement hurts my heart.
But
But
But
These people are my family.
These people are my community.
These people are my planet.
I am loved here and understood and back home i face a new Krista who has a new set of challenges.
Krista who is asking what her career should be?
Krista who is eaten by jealousy?
Krista who is the new kid on the block?
I want to hide here forever.
I want to pack everyone in my suitcase and take them back with me.
I want to sneak away tonight and fly back into the dark of His room.
This is being in love.
This is being in transition.
This is being lost.
But
But
But
Isn't the lost lovely?
Isn't the love scarily worth it?
Isn't home somewhere inside that comes along with you?
Heal my jealousy.
Heal the city of cement void of green.
Heal Us.
Now i sit beside my friends, silent, focused on our laptops.
Now i am here and there all at once.
Now i wonder if maybe there is a best of both worlds....
A little sad a little happy a little bit of me from then a little bit of me today...
A boyfriend who knows what he wants..
A career path that is defined and clear...
A future that is open and unknown...

A life both infinitly gentle
Andalittlebit
Wicked.

Diane.

I am angry to the point of not being able to sleep and choosing, instead, to blog.

You know, at least when you meet The Ex and they are undoubtedly classy and kind and smart and together, you can seperate your jealousy from your instant respect for the person. This has occurred in my life. I meet The Ex and i am all levels of jealous, but they smile at me and shake my hand and act super Big about the situation and it is obvious that they are worthy of His love. I have jealousy coarsing through my veins and i am thinking something like - "...and on top of it, they are great!!! If i wasn't jealous of her, i would try to become this person's friend!"

Then there is The Ex that is an asshole. All you have heard about this person is how in love He was with Her, how beautiful and exotic She is, how intense their connection was...but i am sorry world, she is an asshole. Self absorbed, tacky and cocky as hell. So, now you have jealousy AND you can honestly say that if you met this person at a party just randomly you would escape their presence as quickly as possible. Ug.

Then, ladies and gentlemen, there is this. The Boyfriend that adores The Asshole Ex and never wanted anything but to be be be be with her but has doubts and fears about You - a woman who loves him and is pretty damned fantastic.

I mean, have any of you been there? With someone who was more into their past relationship that was shitty than they are into your relationship which is real and ripe with potential?

It isn't fair. It. Isn't. Fair. That someone so awful didn't have to deal with any of this and i, someone less awful, has to listen to him ask 'what if, when i solve this puzzle of my numbness, the answer is that i really am not attracted to you at all?'

Do i deserve that? I mean DO I?? And if there are no victims and i co-created this experience then how can i un-manifest it immediately? I want him to look at me and say 'god, seeing Her tonight only confirms more acutely how totally sure i am of my love for you and that i most definitly ended up with the better woman.' I want him to say that and then follow it up by not freaking out and going numb and i want Her...

to disappear.

Manifest THAT, Universe.

Citizen Girl

I am always hunting for that book...you know the one...the one that is going to make you laugh, make you cry, speak directly to you. Like the perfect song, the perfect book makes you wonder if someone had actually been watching your life when they wrote it...

I am currently reading that book.

It is CITIZEN GIRL written by two women my age, Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus. They co-authoured the bestseller The Nanny Diaries. I liked that book, but i LOVE this one. I love it. Not only do i love it, i should have written it. It sounds like me, it smells like me, it is me.

The book is about being a twenty-something female with some general administrative skills and lots of brains looking for -- what else? -- a job. Yes, she is looking for her DREAM JOB, but more than that she is looking for ANY BLOODY JOB, because she is unfortunately jammed perfectly between over-qualified and under-educated. It weaves a shockingly realistic tale of paying off student loans with credit cards while the 75 resumes you have sent out in the past 3 weeks have garnered you only one interview. Of course, at this one interview are eleventy gillion other twenty-something females sitting in the reception area clutching their leather portfolios and smoothing their ponytails. It cuttingly describes the hours of bullshit that flood out of your mouth as you try to act excited about sticking color coded tabs on manilla file folders or feign educated opinions on the upswing of current investment markets. One paragraph i laugh, one paragraph i cry. I laugh because i know we all find our way in the end, but i cry because i know so well how much it can hurt getting there.

I, too, have rationed 6 almonds a day and invited myself to people's houses in hopes of a free meal.

Things are not that desperate in my life right now. This unemployment feels slightly different, more confidant, more hopeful. But i am still being overlooked for positions that i am more than qualified for and wracked with doubt about diving into the start of my own venture. Some moments i feel lost, some moments i feel sure and some moments i go numb.

I cling to the moments i am sure and to the harbour i can find in my boyfriend's arms, that is, when he isn't drowning in his own busy-ness.

I look foward to mom coming on Friday and to going back to Toronto on Thursday.

This Citizen Girl is blogging her way through yet another Unknown.

She dedicates this day to other Citizen Girls out there. Happy St. Patrick's Day and happy hunting...

...and remember, it could be worse.

There could be only 5 almonds.

An Excercise

My homework for this last SOM class is to write down the question Who Am I? and keep answering it for a full 5 minutes.

So here it goes:

Who Am I?

I am an honour role student, i am a natural born leader, i am an extraordinary speaker, i am often very afraid, i am smart as a whip, i am the perky blonde, i am the tough survivor of an abusive childhood, i am a MacLise, i am Jordan's girlfriend and grateful partner, i am a Mac user, i am a peacemaker, i am a healer, i am a councellor, i am a storyteller first and foremost, i am a passionate romantic, i am a talker, i am an unemployed, over-qualified, undereducated statistic of my generation, i am an educator, i am a searcher of Truth, i am purely Spirit, i am a Metaphysician, i am an unhealthy eater, i am my mother's daughter, i am Too Much, i am a quitter, i am a quick learner, i am a good person, i am the devil to my Ex's, i am a loyal, effort-making friend, i am a woman who could stand to lose some weight, i am a musician and a writer, i am a self-centred 28 year old, i am One with It All, i am doing the best i can, i am a soul with high expectations, i am both heart centred and head centred, i am a Gemini, i am a performer, i am an organizer, i am a seeker of safety, i am a home decorator, i am someone without definition, i am Perfect, Whole and Complete and i am someone who is not so sure of that...

Phew. That wasn't hard. 5 minutes goes fast when you're having fun. Yikes.

I am sitting in the sun right now, which is making it tres hard to see my laptop screen. It is a beautiful, sunny, Vancouver spring day and i feel so blessed and so at odds all at the same time that i am trying to just sit with the duality of it and not just take a nap to escape that which doesn't make sense. I am happy, but since my 'talk' with Jordan i have a sense of foreboding that is hovering over me...like a little girl with that uncanny sense that something bad is about to happen.

Am i creating the monsters that lurk in my closet or are there really some scary creatures under my bed just waiting to pounce?

I am getting sunburned.
I am sick of waiting.
I am done for today.

I am.

Buck Naked.

Wondering some things tonight. Some of which are weighing pretty heavily on my heart. I offer them, scattered, to you...

How do the people in my world feel about nudity? All levels of it. Do y'all like being nude all alone for no apparant reason? Do you enjoy looking at yourselves in the mirror nude? How soon is soon enough to become naked with a new love interest? Is total nudity sexy or is partial nudity much sexier? If the world was perfect would we all walk around naked all the time? And what about those poor souls during a Saskatchewan winter?

Do you think it is cool if your partner enjoys spending time with his buddies naked in certain circumstances - a skinny dip at a friend's cottage, a hot tub after a dinner party? And can he be naked with his female buddies in a non-sexual way? Is there such thing as non-sexual nudity in our Western society?

And what do you do if you finally give in and jump into love with someone fully and completely only to find that now that they 'have' you, they are losing interest? How does one protect their heart from loving someone who is addicted to the thrill of the chase, but loses passion for the object of their affection once that object is hooked?

Is protecting one's heart EVER a good idea? Are hearts made to risk broken-ness? Can i survive another broken one? What possessed me to get myself into this mess?

How is it that i am back to being 18 again, dripping in the feeling that i would DIE if i lost Him? Am i getting back to a faithful innocence where it hurts more because you give more or am i regressing?

Why can't i find more female friends in Vancouver?

What do i want to do with my life? Should i take a Real Estate course and just start teaming up with Cyn and Pat and other REAs and start selling? Do i pursue this teaching thing? Do i just keep applying for random admin jobs to keep the money coming while i stay focused on studying Science of Mind and becoming a Practioner? How do i keep in the faith that The Universe will take care of all of this for me?

Is everyone in the world breaking up?

Am i gonna be ok?

Do you promise?

Fly Me To The Moon

If you had to take a poem to the moon to leave it there in case another life form was to find it and want to know a little bit about us Human Beings - which one would you bring? An astronaut on the Apollo 5 brought this one and when i heard it i knew i wanted it on my Blog. These are the words that i keep close to my every experience. I breathe them in when i find out that yet another couple in my world has 'shifted' out of partnership. I read them with care when i look at my non-employment and wonder what will come next. I wrap my memories of last summer in these words and with these words soothe my frustration as i slowly learn to love unconditionally. I send these words to any of you that might lay in bed at night, staring down the ceiling, wondering if it is normal to feel this alone.

I AM THERE


Do you need Me ?
I am there.

You cannot see Me, yet I am the light you see by.
You cannot hear Me, yet I speak through your voice.
You cannot feel Me, yet I am the power at work in your hands.

I am at work, though you do not understand My ways.
I am at work, though you do not understand My works.
I am not strange visions. I am not mysteries.

Only in absolute stillness, beyond self, can you know Me
as I AM, and then but as a feeling and a faith.

Yet I am here. Yet I hear. Yet I answer.
When you need ME, I am there.
Even if you deny Me, I am there.
Even when you feel most alone, I am there.
Even in your fears, I am there.
Even in your pain, I am there.

I am there when you pray and when you do not pray.
I am in you, and you are in Me.
Only in your mind can you feel separate from Me, for
only in your mind are the mists of "yours" and "mine".
Yet only with your mind can you know Me and experience Me.

Empty your heart of empty fears.
When you get yourself out of the way, I am there.
You can of yourself do nothing, but I can do all.
And I AM in all.

Though you may not see the good, good is there, for
I am there. I am there because I have to be, because I AM.

Only in Me does the world have meaning;
only out of Me does the world take form;
only because of ME does the world go forward.
I am the law on which the movement of the stars and the growth of living cells are founded.

I am the love that is the law's fulfilling. I am assurance.
I am peace. I am oneness. I am the law that you can live by.
I am the love that you can cling to. I am your assurance.
I am your peace. I am ONE with you.
I am.

Though you fail to find ME, I do not fail you.
Though your faith in Me is unsure,
My faith in you never
wavers, because I know you, because I love you.

Beloved, I AM there.


--- James Dillet Freeman

The End

I am done.

Job over.

Oh God.

Now what?