Sensorship Sucks

I just wrote a long post that my husband has informed me I would be foolish to publish. It is extremely judgmental and could potential upset people. Thing is, I know that he is right. I don't think I will publish it. Ooooooo, but I want to. I want to soooooo badly.

It isn't about one person in particular or anything. It is about most people and includes most everyone I know. This is the time when I wished that I blogged under a false name. But I don't and so people would know I was talking about them and probably never talk to me again.

So, not sure what I should blog about today. Something sweet and polite, I suppose. Vancouver is rainy. Ate two desserts the size of my head yesterday. Have completely run out of money, already. Attended an entrepreneur group yesterday that reminded me that I don't really know what it is I want to be doing with the rest of my life. Miss my house. Feeling a bit stressed out about our wedding party. Also wondering if I am going to have anywhere to stay during my Applause Christmas contract. Seeing Shelley today. Looking forward to the Island. Back is hurting from sleeping on floors and in tents. Thinking of attending the PNE tomorrow. Wishing I had a billion dollars.

Good news has befallen Leon, which is a positive thing to talk about. He has been offered the role he came here to audition for and it is a role that he is thrilled to have. Thing is, it will separate us for eight weeks and doesn't pay well enough to fly me out to see him or for him to come back. It will fall, if he decides to do it, on our first year wedding anniversary and I can't lie and say that I don't note the irony of that. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else, but sometimes I can't help but wish that Leon suddenly wanted to become a teacher or a jewelry maker or an investment banker. Or even a dentist. I would be okay with dentist. Ah well, at least he knows what makes his heart sing. For that, I envy him and will just have to hope we become good at writing love letters and masturbating.

Sorry, but I had to say at least ONE shocking thing.

Sex In Tents

Leon and I have spent the last two nights sleeping in a tent. I love tents. I love sex in tents. Enough said.

Yesterday was our trek to Bowen Island, my first chance to explore the place that raised my husband. Of course, I loved it. I loved it. Sex in tents and BC Island love - a perfect world. The place is filled with trees and hippies and young, fit families with ultra sensitive dads carrying their babies in new age slings. It smells like wet cedar and the houses are mind boggling. If I could dig up $800K then perhaps I would have enough for a LOT. Jeeeeezuz. It is my dream and will remain my dream and I know that it will come true. I will live on a BC Island in a magic cottage with a sensitive husband carrying my baby in a sling --- even if I have to wait until I am 80!!! And so it is!

Funny how I swing back and forth, back and forth about wanting a baby. But I will tell you that when I am on an island like Bowen or Pender, I want one instantly. Yet, this trip has reminded me again of another issue that I can't ignore and that is a definite baby-having deterrent. I married an actor who is ambitious and wants to have success in the Canadian theatre scene. This means that we will be apart...some years more months than others...but almost definitely we will have to be okay with spending months apart. I hate this reality, but unless I want to follow him around (which I don't) or he wants to change occupations (which he doesn't) we will be separated often. How and why would we bring a baby into that kind of situation? To leave me alone with the baby to fend with the raising of our child on our own while our kid develops terrible abandonment issues?? To shuffle our poor child around so that dad can chase his dream? To tear my husband's passion and love of what he does from his heart and expect him to then be a dad without resentment? No, no and no. You see what I mean?

My baby days - few and far between - are squelched down almost as fast as they appear. Ah, well, there is at least the sex in tents.

Hey, did you know that dolphins are the only other mammal that has sex for pleasure and not just procreation?

No wonder I liked visiting the Vancouver Aquarium so darn much.

Into The Wild-ish

Just saw the movie Into The Wild, written and directed by Sean Penn.

I got the movie because of my love affair with the Yukon. It seemed like it would be a scenic reminder of its beauty and danger. Well, it was that, and much, much more. It was haunting and brilliant and ridiculous. It was hard to watch as it pushed my coming of age in the Yukon story, the one I lived. Mine had nothing to do with battling the wilderness to survive it, but embracing a place so isolated and raw that I instantly understood Truth on a whole new level. Like Chris, I, too, felt like I could drown my pain in the realness of the Yukon river and that my connection with nature - the first connection with nature I had ever had - would make every previous and painful deceit, neglect and abandonment instantly okay. For these reasons, I understood the story.

But my intuition tells me that on some greater, deeper level, he went out into the wilderness, not to survive it, but to allow it to take him away forever from all the pain his life held for him. I am not sure I believe what he did was a facing up to the deepest wounds of his soul, but a running away from. To me, it was a romanticized version of suicide. The kind of suicide that screams at the world, I am not afraid to die! With the fear of death so predominant in most of us, this act suddenly is seen as heroic. But heroic is the exact opposite. Like Chris would have done, I quote one of my favorite writers, a man who knew the Yukon well, Robert Service. "It's the keepin' on living that's hard".

Many people feel he did want to live, including my husband. But he was bright and must have known that to go into Alaska without anything, not even skills, was to welcome death. Perhaps he was arrogant enough to think his journey was noble enough to keep him alive or idealistic enough to think that if he didn't have it in him to live with no help, than he didn't deserve to keep on breathing.

Why his story haunts me so much, past its parallels with my time in the Yukon, I haven't quite figured out. I suppose a movie is a great piece of art when you can't shake it and when it leaves you digging even deeper into your own box of demons.

Vancouver is getting sunnier and thus a little more enjoyable. I lindyhopped last night and I had a blast. But it wasn't as dramatically wonderful as I thought it would be. Leon and I both saw our exes which left us even happier to have each other and today we are heading back to North Vancouver. I precede into today hesitant, cautious. The movie has left me feeling a little left of center.

Part of me just misses my own bed.

Forward Thinking

This is a post about not rewinding. To shosholoza instead is a noble thing.

Once you own, it is hard to ever rent again. Once you have had an apartment to yourself, you're never going to be quite as okay with roommates. The day you walk away from a certain chapter of your life, that chapter is shut. You can think that you are going to open it up and leap back in, but that is impossible. At best, you will simply start a new chapter that is similar to the one long done. Usually, this will end up feeling like a nightmarish deja vu or an embarrassing repeat of an old pattern. There is no rewinding.

I am not the girl who lived in #206 or loved Jordan or studied real estate. There are aspects of that chapter that I might miss, but there will be others that I had forgotten that I hated. For example, today I whipped off my jacket to help SJ paint her apartment and on my arm, three red bites in a row. They could be spider bites or mosquitos bites, but I have to tell you, I am pretty sure that they are bedbug bites. A reminder of a part of that old chapter that I do not miss.

Life is different now. I am married, I own a house in Moose Jaw, I have friends today that I didn't even know existed 7 months ago. Do I still love BC? Yes. But is it the only place for me to live and still feel like I can be myself? I know I have been feeling that way lately, but now I am not so sure.

Maybe Vancouver just fit me during a certain point in my life. The way that Toronto did until it didn't. Perhaps I am okay with staying in Moose Jaw awhile longer and then going somewhere all together different? Or maybe the Island will live up to my romantic ideals...

I've never been good at letting go. Yet, as I get older I master it in baby steps. I am enjoying my time here in Vancouver, but maybe I came here to say goodbye, not to start again.

And I will tell you this...if I wake up with more bedbug bites, I am seriously going to contemplate getting in my car and driving home tomorrow.

My First Day Back

It's Sunday and the sun beats down on Vancouver, forever mixed with an ocean breeze. Outside the window of the house I am staying at is a rain forest with trees the size of sky scrapers. I have just returned from The Centre, driving over the Lion's Gate Bridge with my window down, watching the boats float down False Creek. Deciding to blog, I have brought my MacBook outside where all I can smell is pine and cedar and soil and ocean. Later on, I will take my stuff to Shelley's one bedroom apartment and crash there for a week, living once again in the heart of my 404 past. This city, this province, makes my heart sing. It represents to me a time of redefinition and empowerment, heartbreak and bravery, healing and inspiration. I am so glad to be back.

Sounds like the Artist in Residence meeting between Mortlach and the coordinator at the Arts Board didn't go terribly well. The Saskatchewan Arts Board doesn't seem to advocate performing artists the way they do Visual Artists and they don't like it when a town like Mortlach applies for a grant with a specific artist in mind. I think they feel that that narrows the town's thinking. Personally, I think Mortlach's dreams for itself as a prairie village are anything but narrow. The town is not be discouraged and, more determined than ever, they are now finding other grants and other means to get me involved. I have to hand it to them, for a town of 200 people, they are rockin' and rollin'.

I am watching it unfold curiously. If Mortlach succeeds, I could have well paying artistic work until the end of 2010. If Mortlach fails, I could have the perfect excuse to come back to this place of sweet smells and green love. Either way, I win. Perhaps there will be a way to have the best of both worlds. As Rev C used to say, there is no reason we can't all have our cake and eat it, too.

For as happy as this place makes me, it makes my husband act weird. For him, this place is filled with ghosts and communities of people who know him as his old, brooding, badboy self. In Saskatchewan he has reinvented himself, but here he feels like no one will let him out of the tight, little box that he existed in for years. My hope is that if we move back we will move to the Island and thus it will be the first time that we live someplace where the slate is clean for us both.

Ahhhh, BC. I leave you with the image of that which is currently staring back at me...a cute husband and a huge trunk.

My BC Goals List

Here are the following things I hope to accomplish while in BC:

1. Walk up and down, up and down, up and down Commercial Drive. Stop only to buy pizza from That Amazing Place at the corner of Broadway and Commercial.
2. Walk the seawall. Hopefully at night, but will accept a daytime stroll as well.
3. Have a gazillion girl talks. Talk about sex, impossible men, elusive dreams and maybe even -- ahem - gossip.
4. Lindyhop. Especially at Showboat where I will stop and breathe in the ocean and admire the sunset and smile at the stars while I step, step, triple step.
5. See inside my old apartment. (This one could prove difficult).
6. Sit at a trendy Vancouver coffee shop with my MacBook happily on my lap.
7. Have a kick-ass Sunshine Coast wedding reception. Soak in having all my friends and loved ones together in one space.
8. Locate a black, automatic Toyota Echo/Yaris, Susuki Swift, Chevy Aveo or Pontiac Wave 4 door hatch with 24,000KM that will only cost me $6,000 with my trade in. Buy it.
9. Sit on a beach, any beach, and try to figure out if I want to commit to the Artist in Residence job in Mortlach which would have me in Saskatchewan until the fall of 2010 or just come back to the coast where my heart belongs.
10. Eat at all my favorite restaurants...fries at Wazubi's, gelato at the factory, late night at the Naam.
11. Go to my Centre and recharge my spiritual battery.
12. Walk around Chemainus, see the show, remember my love affair with my husband by my side.
13. Finally get a chance to experience Bowen Island.
14. Pop on over to Pender Island and trade island experiences with Leon.
15. Shop for real estate or at least get to know the neighborhoods that we could see ourselves living.
16. Find me a real steal on Leopard. Here, kitty kitty.
17. Have a Krista and Eric date and make is super duper cool.
18. See my ex and touch his ... iPhone.
19. Shop with females who enjoy shopping. Maybe even a Value Village mega trip with the SJ.
20. Have a gooey sleep over with Shellest.
21. Spend some quality Me time at Banyan Books.
22. Get my wedding rings back --- with a third ring to complete the set!
23. Go to a yoga class. If I am really daring, a Bikrams yoga class.

One more sleep!!!!!!!!

My Sister and Me

So I got a facebook message from my sister.

Yup, I said sister. Odd to talk about my sister when I never really knew her...or should I say them since I have two of them? They are half-sisters and the parent that we share in common is the parent I try to pretend I never had. Yet, never the less, they are my sisters and one of them, Sandra, contacted me the other day.

I have been so busy with wrapping up this shoot for Send In The Clowns that I haven't replied yet, but I will. Most people would probably be a whole lot more freaked out about this whole re-meet of another family, but It seems perfectly okay to me. The only part that was hard was hearing about my dad. She says he is 'on his way out' and isn't expected to live much longer. I have to admit that when I heard that part of the news I felt a lot like Diana Morales did in A Chorus Line.

Nothing.

Other than that bit of drama, life is grand. It has become exceptionally hot since closing and Leon and I and my mom have been slaving away at the house. Leon finished an entire french drain around our property all by himself and it is amazing!! I decorated our front mud room and repainted the front and garage doors. We are stupidly tan and feeling quite proud of ourselves. My real estate mogul cousin stopped by yesterday to take a look at our humble abode and said very favorable things. Best of all her comments was the simple statement 'oh, this will sell, easy'. It is so wonderful to have people say nice things about our house...it's like our baby, you know?

Which brings up a strange feeling that I had the other night. It happened after I saw a house on skhomes4sale.com here in Moose Jaw. It is the prettiest, most wonderful old character home and I have positively fallen head over heels in love with it. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with this thought...if I could live there I would happily stay in Moose Jaw forever and ever! The thought shocked me and so I shared it with my husband. He was shocked, too, of course, because all I ever say is how much I want to move outta here and go back to BC. But the more I looked at my feelings, the more confused I became. Was it about my house crush? Was it residual feelings I was having about my disappointing emails from the other night? Was it about the new community of friends that we have now made here or all the job opportunities that seem to be available?

Who knows...but I will give you the link to my house crush anyway, just so you can see why it might be enough to make me second guess myself;-)

Click here to see what I would buy if I had just a wee bit more money...

Ahhhh, I'll blame my temporary case of insanity to the heat. Seeing the mountains and ocean and smelling the green in the air of BC will cure me, I'm sure.

Won't it?