What I Have Eaten So Far

One Apple
One Plum
A bowl of raw buckwheat, sesame seeds, almonds and rice milk
One cup brown rice
Cauliflower pieces dipped in homemade guacamole (avocado, spinach, garlic and lemon)
Tons of Water

How I am feeling: good. lighter. slightly dizzy, but that could be because it is also over +30C today

24 hours down and only...264 more to go.

The 2008 Detox

I did it last summer and it totally turbo charged my summer of good health and skinny thighs, so I am going to do it again.

The Wild Rose Detox is well known by many. If you have ever researched a cleanse or shopped at a health food store you have probably bumped into it. It is an all natural, but not too severe cleanse that is comprised of many naturopathic supplements and a strict diet that excludes what seems like everything. But I am sick of feeling crummy as I have been lately and can feel that I am in need of a diet overhaul. For many reasons I am having a hard time getting myself out of a bad eating rut...so I am hoping this will help.

I have even purchased whole buckwheat and rice milk which I have told myself I will use as a substitute for cereal. Lord help me.

Luckily, organic butter is allowed and like Sarah was telling us a few posts ago, veggies with lots of butter and some raw salt can taste awesome. And they allow almonds to snack on, thank god. Another weird surprise on this cleanse is popcorn with butter. Too bad they recommend that you eat as much fish as you possibly can. Boo! I think I will try to stick to the almonds.

Oh, and corn. I can BBQ up some corn on the cob and eat it with butter. Can't think of a more wonderful summertime treat. Drinks-wise there isn't much I can drink other than water...but to make that a little more exciting, I am planning to buy myself a new stainless steel water bottle and get rid of my old, smelly Nalgene. Tonight I went out and got a crop of wonderful looking fruit and veggies and a big bag of brown rice which I can make in my rice maker and eat with Bragg (which I think tastes totally like soy sauce!). I can do this. Maybe not the wisest timing, with five very important shows coming up this weekend, but I feel really ready to rid my body of it's toxic feelings.

I will let you know how I do and if you have any questions, let me know. I am happy to share any info I might have on being a a cooking-phobic, undisciplined cleanser.

And heck, if It also accomplishes me looking better in my bikini, then so be it!

Toronto Nostalgia

I never miss Toronto. There is no exaggeration in me when I say that I have not missed Toronto for one second of one day since the moment I drove outta there in Aidan's old beat up car in 2003. It was one of those clean break ups, with no residual anger, guilt, longing or doubt. It was over. I knew it, Toronto knew it and when I said goodbye I never looked back.

But what I do miss, every now and then, is my gang from that time period. I miss having SJ as my other half. I miss having house parties all the time and hanging around in our cozy, cheap living rooms 'til the wee hours. I miss going to the Salvation Army and the Goodwill and Value Village every second day and Sundays when we all gathered at the greasy ol' Tennessee for a $5 brunch. I miss having eighteen friends all living a few blocks away...and trust me, the irony that I had to live in Canada's largest city to have my friends all live close by is not lost on me. I miss how bonded we were because we were all just starting out in this industry...in our love relationships...in being truly adult. We were babies with big dreams and we had each other ...and even though I don't miss Toronto, I do miss that.

The 404 Gang in Vancity brought me some of that feeling, for sure. There we were, all in our late twenties, a little bit more jaded and a little bit more lost. Still, we had each other and like the lyric from Avenue Q describes "it sucks to be us, but not when we're together". Yup, Vancouver was good times as well, but it didn't have the same youthful innocence of Toronto. The gang was older and thus not quite as closely interwoven.

Ah, but those Toronto days...the nights Norbert, Aidan and I would sit in the office and dream up fantastical plans for our uncertain futures. The evening escapades to Dutch Dreams and innumerable movies we rented from the Blockbuster just outside our back door. Hanging on the street car and relating our audition horror/success stories. The dark, scummy fun of that concrete jungle!

I think it is time I went back for a visit. Not sure when or how or why, even, but something seems to be calling me back. Just for a couple days...to remind myself that that part of my life really did exist.

Suppose curiosity is killing my cat.

That, or it's all that T.O. smog.

Baby Train

I suppose it's inevitable. When you are a newly married couple and you're 32, you ask yourself the question that everyone else keeps asking you? Are you going to have kids? Thinking yet about babies? Do you think having a family is part of your plan?

Leon asks himself the question as much as I do and on any given day you will get both of us at varying ends of a wide range of feelings. When I met Leon, I was at the height of my "I think I've changed my mind and I want to have a baby" phase and he was perplexed and intrigued by my passion. These days, I have returned to the Krista I know and love and can't imagine having a baby...or better yet, can't imagine giving up the lifestyle that I lead. Leon, on the other hand, is more deeply conflicted than ever before. Some days he'll eagerly tell me about his uber-cool boss who has this adventure life and great marriage and - you guessed it - no kids. Other days, he grows softer, confused. He isn't sure if he is missing out, but not factoring in a baby.

Thus, my newest Konkin Question. It is Leon's question this time, asked by us both, to all of you.

It poses the question - should we all want a child? Should we all have a child? Is having a child something that you can never be ready for until it is thrust upon you? What is our obsession will following such a rigid template of how our lives should unfold? Or is it a rigid template for a reason?

I don't want to be tied down. Marriage hasn't felt that way - not much anyway. Married, I still do as I please, I just make sure to communicate it before hand to my partner. There are compromises, sure, but none that are monumental. None that challenge what is most profoundly important about how I live my life. Not yet, at least. If I need to stay in Vancouver for September because on some level It just feels like the right thing to do for myself, I do it. That can't be true with a child. I couldn't leave that child to go off and live on my own somewhere for a month! I couldn't pull my child away from it's routine to drag it along on my self-discovery adventures - that wouldn't be fair to the child. Which leaves me with the option of not doing what I am called to do so that the needs of my child are the priority.

Sounds noble, for sure. And like a big, fat nightmare. No wonder so many mothers I know have a deep, bubbling of resentment flowing through the centre of their lives. I don't want that.

Still, it is a mysterious concept, romanticized and idolized by my culture AND my gender. It keeps me wondering - what if I get to be too old to change my mind and realize that my life has been meaningless without that experience of motherhood? What if?

That wise voice inside says - life is simply what you make it. Meaning is what you decide. No outside circumstance - even a child - defines Who You Truly Are. Have a baby if it calls to you the same way the staying self-discovery adventures might. If it doesn't, don't. No apologies.

Wise voice. But what about Leon? Where do his wants fit into this equation?

Is procreating a type of destiny that one should not try to control?

What do you think??

YAY!!

Opening night went beautifully. I mean, other than the fact that the track on one of our closing numbers stopped half way through, leaving us to sing the rest of the number a cappella. Still, a lady from Austin, Texas in the audience came out into the lobby afterward exclaiming how much she loved the a cappella number! So, all is well that ends well...

Now, the run begins. I am writing this in between matinee and evening show with tomorrow's show ending what has been a very, very long week. There were dark moments, but now I can proudly say - the show is funny and fun. Come check it out. It's where I am going to be until August...

and then I am going back to the ocean.

Excuses, Excuses

We are a whiny bunch, aren't we?

Human beings have made a habit out of finding excuses for everything. It seems to be almost against our human nature to take 100% responsibility for anything. It's easy to see how this is true for other people, but one has to ask, how is it true for myself? Right now, a night before opening night, when everything is in chaos and it feels like we'll never be able to pull the show off, blame becomes a hot commodity. I watch it. If any of us adhered to 'he amongst you without sin, cast the first stone' every single one of us - including myself - would have to stay silent. But it seems the harder someone is sucking at their own crap, the more blame they lay on other people's crap. Actors love to blame direction or writing, directors love to blame diva actors or their production crew, production crew likes to blame the lack of proper tools or facilities, the producers love to blame the director and the media, dancers like to blame choreographers and choreographers like to blame the bad coffee. It is a vicious circle with not one person stopping to say 'until every single thing I do is being done to the very best of my ability and unless their isn't one more thing I could rehearse or perfect or research or communicate I shall stay silent and work harder'.

I am trying to practice what I preach. Of course, when I am feeling the most insecure and afraid, I fall to blame...but at least now I can hear how lame ass my blaming is. "I need more light" or "the hat is stupid" or "s/he isn't picking up their cues" is just an easy out. It all might be true, but that isn't the point. The point is I don't want to become an unconscious, habitual blamer or victim. I'm gonna give it my best shot.

So, here is the part where I ask you to pray/hope/send good energy for my show. We open tomorrow and god knows if we are gonna be able to pull off an entertaining, high quality show. I am terrified and exhausted, but so incredibly anxious to get this sucker on its feet and get on with enjoying my summer. 48 hours from now this bird will have jumped from its nest...

...I just don't hope I end up regretting the flight.

Click here for the show times and ticket info!

And Finally The Sun

I had a beautiful birthday and I thank gleefully everyone who helped make it that way. I am pretty sure that I received practically everything on my list - other than ankles of course - and was also given enough down time to gear up for this coming week. Tech week. Tech weeks are always a test of faith and my starts today.

It doesn't feel that odd to be 32. Happily I went back to my birthday blog posts from 2005, 2006 and 2007 just to see how I have been coming along and was delighted to find that my 30th and 31st year have been incredible. I mean, back into big theatre contracts, leaving Vancouver to gypsy for over a year, losing Jordan, finding my spine, meeting Leon, MARRYING Leon, buying my first house, opening my first theatre company, moving to Moose Jaw, etc. etc. It has been two consecutive years of manifesting big change and big dreams.

Dare I ask for another year right in a row? For this 32nd year I want consistent contracts, money rolling in those from contracts and from real estate, BC to be my home again, my healthy body weight to be achieved, perhaps an uber-cool road trip to ensue, everyone to come to my third and final wedding celebrating in Sechelt, new friends to do things with and my old friends close by.

Short post, as I am now off to one of my birthday gift - a massage! My poor aching body needs it. Wish me luck on this tech week. I have never been this nervous for an opening night before. But once the show is up and running, it'll be smooth sailing.

The best gift I received was that the sun has come back. Summer may just be starting.

As is the rest of my life.